Saturday, July 12, 2008

WEEKEND MESSENGER

Many of my faithful readers know that while being forced into voluntary servitude in HELL, I am also in the process of trying to open my own private practice.

I am a juggler of many balls, all in the air at the same time. This proves to be difficult from time to time, simply because there are just not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Oh, and unfortunately that includes rest, sleep, releaxation, and the occasional "fun". Well, this morning I had to hire a messenger to pick up some of the slack.

You see, I am taking over a case for two clients that are dissatissfied with the way their former attorney was handling matters. In doing so, I need to pick up the file from the former attorney. The problem is, I am a one-man show. It would not look very professional for me to go in and pick up the file by myself on a Saturday. Hence, the messenger. Since I cannot afford to pay for one, my wife, JANE DOE, became the messenger. JANE thought this was hysterical. She got all dressed up in proper business attire, full make-up, hair and all. The full nine-yards.

She got the file for me (of course I was in the car waiting). Things went very smoothly. But, as always, I am going to have to hit her up for more favors. I know she will be benefitting too from my getting out on my own, but I still feel bad that I have to bother her. It's funny, because in my life, there are not many people or many things that make me "feel" anything. But JANE does. I guess the reason for this super-strange weekend post is to let people know that it is okay to rely on others (sometimes). Especially if you have a JANE DOE.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

THE WEASEL STRIKES BACK, LARGE AND IN CHARGE PART DEUX, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT...

For tonight's post, we have an homage to sequels (two bad, and one really good).



THE WEASEL STRIKES BACK: Aside from the obvious reference to Star Wars, THE WEASEL is in many ways like Darth Vader. THE WEASEL is a master of "the force". In HELL, the force is what is known as "information". Today, THE WEASEL proved herself to be the rodent we all knew and expected.



It all started yesterday. BINGO BETTY made the unfortunate choice to be honest in HELL. Big mistake, BINGO BETTY.

DON BOY is still out on vacation. BINGO BETTY has been hinting that she wants to take some time off for the summer because her son is home from school. HELL is actually very slow (quite the norm for what I hear from my friends) just like the rest of the economy. So instead of just calling in sick, BINGO BETTY asks for permission to take an unpaid day off to do some housework. She is flatly denied with the statement that "her work is never done". So, BINGO BETTY decides to call in sick today.

Normally, this wouldn't be too much of a big deal. She would just be out, nobody could really push her on the issue. They don't ask for doctor's notes (yet). So, she would just use one of her sick days.

Well, this was not good enough for THE WEASEL. When questioned about BINGO BETTY's whereabouts, THE WEASEL spilled the beans. All of the beans. She threw BINGO BETTY under the bus faster than she can yell "Bingo!"

The obvious lesson is that no matter how close you think you are, THE WEASEL's first obligation is to HELL and DON BOY. She has loyalty only to them. Friendship doesn't mean a thing to her. You are not her friend, although she will make you believe she is as close as any family member. She is the most dangerous of all types because she actually believes she is doing the right thing. *I am now accepting suggestions for methods of how to kill off THE WEASEL. She is a pest, a rodent. She must be terminated.* PLEASE REPLY BY COMMENT OR E-MAIL. I WILL POST THE WINNING SUGGESTION.

LARGE AND IN CHARGE - PART DEUX
FAT GODZILLA still is in her glory. She is in charge of everyone and everything while DON BOY is away. Today she decided to have a heart-to-heart with me and THE DOMINATRIX. She tried to play on our emotions. Trying to come closer to our hearts by tugging hard on the strings. I am not going to say what she did, other than to say that she has no clue. In life, with family, friends, clients, professionally, unprofessionally. She is completely clueless. THE DOMINATRIX called her "Glinda, the good witch". I agree with the sentiment, accept I would change the name to "Lardo, the pscyho bitch". Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. I am really starting to consider the comment one reader posted about taking over the office. I may do so by force. Kind of like we did in Iraq. We wanted oil fields so badly, and now gas if $4.30 per gallon. Thanks a lot Dubya. Oh, and Dubya, have you met FAT GODZILLA, she thinks she's in charge too.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT... THE BRONX BOMBSHELL
Now that we've gone over the two bad sequels, it's time to talk about the one good one.

It's been about one year now since she left, but she has played such an important part in my life, and in the lives of many others in HELL (i.e. THE DOMINATRIX), I am now going to introduce the first character who does not reside in HELL any longer. May I present to you, THE BRONX BOMBSHELL (a.k.a. The One That Got Away).

Tonight, THE DOMINATRIX and I went to dinner with THE BRONX BOMBSHELL. What a treat and a delight! We had so much fun. At one point, we were all crying so hard and laughing out loud, I though the waiter was going to ask us to leave. It was so nice to reminisce with someone who has escaped. It gave us hope. It made us realize that we are not stuck in these situations. We do choose them for our own very personal reasons. But we are not forced to be there. We can leave. We will leave.

We shared stories about our families. We told her all about HELL, and how it is worse than ever. She told us about her new found happiness living in THE BRONX of all places. Why anyone would ever want to live there, I'll never know. At least she doesn't have to commute.

We told her about how we are dying inside with every breath in HELL. She told us to use these feelings to overpower the masses. She inspired me to destroy HELL. She told us about how she too used to fantasize about DON BOY's death. Her imagination is quite impressive. At least I hope it is her imagination?!?

Mostly, it was really great to spend time with my friends. There aren't many people I consider my friends. I have no attorney friends in HELL. Isn't that an oxymoron?

I miss THE BRONX BOMBSHELL, but hopefully now I will get to see her more often. I know THE DOMINATRIX feels the same. I know many of you may be asking if I am a pimp. Yes, I have THE BRONX BOMBSHELL and THE DOMINATRIX. But they do not work for me. They work with me. They are my friends. Until I kill them in their sleep. Not really. Or maybe really. Is this fact or is this fiction?

QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "Remember those people you see on your way up. You won't see them on the way down if you step on them hard enough. " -John Doe, Esq.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

LARGE AND IN CHARGE

FAT GODZILLA is technically in charge while DON BOY is out. The operative word in the last sentence is "technically". Let's say that the mice let her think she is in charge. Let me recap FAT GODZILLA's very difficulty and trying day in HELL (PARADISE for her).

1) Wake up whenever the hell she feels like it.
2) Go to work - must get there before 12:00 noon or someone might say something to DON BOY.
3) Get to work and sit in the library talking to the secretaries who are on their lunch break (I'm sure that is just what they wanted to do for their meager lunch hour).
4) Leave the office at 1:30 for "Lunch".
5) Come back to work at 3:00 asking some ridiculous question about the banking for the day (of course everyone knows that DON BOY only trusts THE WEASEL with the banking - especially when he is not in the office.)
6) Read through magazines while sitting at her desk for an hour.
7) Going out to the secretarial pool for the rest of the day, complaining about how "ill" she is, and how "dizzy" she feels. (BINGO BETTY was flipping about this one because of how obvious the faking is. How can she drive, walk, stand, etc... if she is sick with vertigo. God damn cunt.)
8) Met with one client's husband who showed up at the end of the day without an appointment. He had to sign a contract so this lasted about 8-10 minutes.

She did also ask me a few times about what "cases" were being worked on. So I pulled out the current list of all work given to each person and she agreed with it. I don't know what it means to "agree" with a list, but that's what she did. I guess when you "agree" with lists, that's what it means to be "in charge."

Oh, and I called this post "Large and in charge" because she's fat. *Note: I am not opposed to fat people in general, but her fatness is much more than her weight, it is what blocks her from being a truly good person. Her emotional bagage, or, her extra weight is what makes her fat. And, yes, that makes her not a good person. I am not convinced that she is a bad person, but not a good person is more than halfway in the wrong direction.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

THE WHINER

Oh yeah, I added an e-mail address for those of you so inclined. I intend to answer all e-mails if and when I feel like it. Now, onto THE WHINER...

We have a client at the office, THE WHINER. She is an older lady who was somewhat injured in a MVA about a year ago. Well, somewhere between the accident and today, she has turned into THE WHINER. Many attorneys are used to dealing with THE WHINER. THE WHINER is really the name of many clients who are determined to be the squeaky wheel for everything. The problem arises when you realize that you created this monster.

I personally remember THE WHINER before the accident. She was a nice older lady, that occasionally did some work for DON DAD's wife, DON MOM. Remind me to tell you about DON MOM in the future, for she is a post all unto herself. Anyway, THE WHINER was anything but. She was a calm, gentile older woman, who worked hard her whole life. Then came the tragedy of an accident. The tragedy is not that she actually had an accident, but that she got somehow sucked up into her new job, as a professional personal injury plaintiff. I've touched upon the PRO before, but THE WHINER is a special kind of PRO, so I should delve further.

A PRO client (like THE WHINER) has made a job of being a plaintiff in a personal injury lawsuit. Everything revolves around the case. In the matter of THE WHINER, even the way she expresses herself is involved with the case. THE WHINER has developed this habit of whiiiiiining and cryyyyyyying every time she is poked or prodded. She complains like a yenta. She surrounds herself with family and friends that support her in her latest endeavour. She complains about the weather. About her back, neck, head, thinking, sleeping, everything.

Just like all other PRO's, THE WHINER is an expert at trying to make a buck from a fuck. THE WHINER has no quarms about complaining that she can't do anything, but then let's it slip that she is driving all over town. THE WHINER complains that she is putting her family out, but then continues to do so.

The main function of a PRO is to make money. Turn a trick, make more money. That's it.
The main function of THE WHINER is to make money by whining. Turn a trick while whining, make lots more money. That's it.
The main function of a Hooker is to make money. Turn a trick, make money. Are we seeing a pattern here?

Not that I am opposed to prostitution, or being a PRO, or even being THE WHINER. I do take issue when you don't know enough to stop being a PRO or THE WHINER when you are in my presence.

I know the ropes. I've been around the block plenty of times. INSERT CLICHE HERE. My staff and I just don't want to hear it all the time. In fact, we don't want to hear it ever. You are only pissing us off. We hear every client, every day. They cry, whine, whimper, beg, cry some more. Realize that when you do that to us, you make us suffer. You make us suffer, and since we are mostly just PEONS in HELL, we get the same buck no matter what you do. You get more flies with honey, that's for sure.

Unless you're the SMART OLD HAG, then you just get up another 10,000 times and grab a chip. Then you get more flies with potato chips and cigarettes.

ATTENTION ALL "PRO" and "WHINER" CLIENTS - Bitch and moan all you like, but I promise, there will be consequences. Although, I as an attorney may have taken an "oath" and am governed by a code of ethics/professionalism, sometimes things happen. Especially with swarthy legal secretaries and paralegals gunning for you. Files disappear, papers get "accidentally" shredded, lost, and destroyed. Appointments are mistakenly removed from the calendar. Your court fees are not included. Be ready your PROS & WHINERS. You have only yourself to blame.

Monday, July 7, 2008

WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY...

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I won't apologize. I will write what I want, when I want. You will read this, or won't, but it is my blog, to write as I desire. That being said, I do appreciate the concern. I am even considering posting an e-mail address for private comments (for those of you that have not yet commented publicly) and to continue the exchange of ideas.

Now back to HELL...

DON BOY is away on vacation this week. Although he is never truly away, because I believe even while he is on vacation he has the phone connected to his head and calls the office once every ten minutes.

Since DON BOY is away, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be in charge. Well, she called in sick. Or, she said she was "dizzy". I guess being "dizzy" means you don't have to work. BINGO BETTY called in sick, sounding like she had THE DOMINATRIX's cold. But THE DOMINATRIX showed up for work.

Mini-drama today was that FAT GODZILLA called THE DOMINATRIX's house because she was 5 minutes and 37 seconds late today. She should be ashamed of herself, I know. Getting caught in traffic, or stopping for coffee. Definite grounds for punishment. At least she's not in Texas, or she'd be dead already. THE DOMINATRIX was rightfully pissed, and told FAT GODZILLA to fuck herself like the fat skank that she is. FAT GODZILLA proceeded to do just that.

Of course, I had the pleasure of telling DON BOY that FAT GODZILLA was not coming in today. She was too scared to call him herself, so she asked me to do it for her. She's the fucking attorney and she's scared of what her little brother might say. I find this very amusing, and thoroughly enjoyed hearing DON BOY squirm while trying to figure out what he was going to do. He's on vacation. She's sick. No one from THE FAMILY is available to watch the mice.

HELL was a lot cooler today than usual. No phones. No screaming. No thoughts in my head of stabbing people with a dull knife. At least not until the SMART OLD HAG cornered me for, no joke, 2-3 hours (all spread out throughout the day). I could not get work done, not because I didn't have any, but because SMART OLD HAG wanted to bull shit all day.

Normally I don't mind the chit-chat, but just for a few minutes, to break up the routine of the day. I typically like to get my work done, and then talk. She wanted to know everything about my law school life, my career up until working in HELL. She even shared all her personal information. I've had enough of SMART OLD HAG. Thank God THE WEASEL went and bought a bag of Potato Chips. At least then I was left alone for one of her 74,321 trips to the chip bag. I still don't understand why she just doesn't put a bunch on a paper plate and be done with it. She's not fooling anybody!

I don't really know what THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS did today. She declared to the entire office that she was done with her work. That is her "code" for saying that she won't be in tomorrow. I guess their is a new client that I don't know about.

So, on occasion the mice do play. So what. We need to play every once in a while. All of our work still got done, and we even got to breathe a little. I know "happy thoughts" are not usually the tone of this blog, but hey, even I have to have an off day every once in a while.