LABOR DAY

With Labor Day approaching, it is most important that I share with you my feelings of those who labor with you in a law office.

Let's start with the Legal Secretary. Pros: Most of the legal secretaries in HELL are very nice, very competent people (all women). The ladies are usually very experienced at their job, most of whom have been working as a legal secretary for 1 or 2 and some for even 3 decades. You know you have a good staff of secretaries when the newest one has been doing legal secretary work for over a decade. Cons: Most of the legal secretaries believe they know your job better than you do. As I said most recently in a post - it is sometimes difficult to keep the lawyer-secretary dynamic with a person that has been working twice or three times as long as you have been in the field. Nevertheless, if you keep your degree in mind, and act professional and courteous, that will go a long way.

Next lets move to the Paralegal. Pros: Many of the legal secretaries in our office have studied to be a paralegal to some degree or another. Paralegals usually (and the operative word is "usually" have more training and education than the secretaries.) Cons: Sometimes the term "paralegal" and "secretary" are used interchangeably, but I believe the main difference comes in the extent of ability to research and assist the lawyer on a scholarly level as compared to the simpler (but not always easier) ability to help in drafting/word processing and preparation. In HELL, for instance, THE WEASEL and THE DOMINATRIX are both legal secretaries, both of whom could also be considered paralegals. However, BINGO BETTY and THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS are both more of legal secretaries.

Labor Day wouldn't be noteworthy without the Lawyers. Pros: Of course I will agree that lawyers do most of the work (Not!). Lawyers get paid more to do less work simply because they were smart enough to go to law school and pass the bar exam. That's it. Cons: Secretaries and paralegals often get mad thinking that they are doing the lions share of the work (true). This is not to say that the attorneys don't work (although I readily admit that I do more work than all of the other attorneys in my office combined - no it is not an ego problem, it is a brutal honesty problem I have).

Labor Day is not noteworthy because of the Office Manager - DON BOY thinks he's a lawyer. Although he may be a good business man, he is not a good man. He does not know how to treat his employees. He does not know how to treat his sister, FAT GODZILLA, even if she deserves to be treated like the piece of trash that she is. He does not even know how to treat his wife, DON WIFE. Fact is he is not a bad person. Pro/Con: The fact is, he doesn't know any of this. I don't believe any one person can be as good at what they do and still be as bad at how they do it, and succeed.

I guess this is what Labor Day is really about. We all labor in HELL for THE FAMILY. THE FAMILY benefits, and we get 8 fucking hours off with pay. Ain't life grand.

SATURDAY NIGHT (Yes, I do get a night off every few years)

I'm at a wedding right now with my wife and extended family. Even lawyers like a good party every now and then. Hey. I'm not in HELL. Like Martha Stewart says - That's a good thing.

Doesn't mean I'm not still working. I e-mailed one client and text messaged another for a while, bug it was mostly down time.

Gotta go. My father-in-law is dancing. What a sight.

I guess the message is to try to enjoy the fun because it is fleeting.

MOBILE BLAWGING

As you have learned in past posts, I do not have e-mail and have only limited access to the Internet (about 10 sites) in HELL. So, I am attempting to start blogging from my cell phone. I have to be careful not to get caught. That too is a thrill.

But since it is the weekend I figured I'd give it a shot. Hopefully this works well so I can keep you up to date on HELL more frequently and sometimes even throughout the day when my reactions and feelings are most intense. Truth and reality baby. Now!!

LET THE FIREWORKS BEGIN (THE BATTLE ROYALE)

Sometimes it's just fun to sit back and watch the idiots do their thing.

As a hired gun in HELL, I often am the one that has to listen to everyone else's bullshit. Most especially, DON BOY. Frequently, FAT GODZILLA. But today, I was just a spectator. And what a show it was...

Today, DON BOY and FAT GODZILLA (don't forget they are brother and sister) went at it. It was a throw down, cat scratching, bear clawing, assault (and battery too!).

This is how it got started. We were in one of our bi-weekly mail/status meetings. We all get together and go through mail and any current client issues we are dealing with. Rather mundane stuff. Well, DON BOY has been all over FAT GODZILLA to get more involved in the personal injury area of our practice. So she has been picking up things to do to try to make it look like she is involved all the while really doing nothing.

Well, last week, DON BOY gave FAT GODZILLA an assignment of sorts. It was her job to follow-up on it and make sure things get done the way they should. She gladly accepted the challenge and was put to task.

I don't think FAT GODZILLA has ever finished anything she started. This task was no different. She was supposed to stay in touch with this potential new personal injury client to determine whether or not a claim had to be filed with the state. Well, she didn't do anything, and it came up on our calendar today. These fireworks were better than anything China did in the Olympics.

He basically called her a complete moron in front of the entire office. Once again, all the secretaries and attorneys got to witness DON BOY being a dick. Not to say she doesn't deserve it, because she did. THE DOMINATRIX always does all of her work and she just signs it anyway. I would like to think she reviews it, but honestly, I don't even know how she passed the third grade, so reading comprehension might be a problem.

She tried to come back at him with her lame excuses. I even thought he was going to bust a blood vessel when she got up in the middle of the argument to take a phone call. He screamed at her asking if we would have to wait for her, and for the first time ever she said "Yes, you will wait for me." I can't believe she finally grew a set and told him. You have to understand that he has zero problems with disrespecting everyone else's schedule. He will gladly come in to my office and start talking to me while I am on the phone. Doesn't matter who it is with, personal, business, otherwise. Whatever he has to say is more important. I just ignore him, but FAT GODZILLA, she usually jumps. Not this time, though. However, I think afterword she got scolded because they went to a closed door meeting (at least once or twice a week they have one but this one was so close in time to the fireworks, he had to bitch slap her a few times.

So, the real next question is, who is gonna give in first? Usually she backs down, and he just rolls right over her. Sometimes she will pout and get DON DADDY involved, but he is about 127 years old now, so it is difficult for him to separate the sparring children. Only time will tell, unless I happen to throw a wrinkle into the system.

I was thinking of causing a little commotion in the office. Maybe go to DON DADDY and tell him that I think FAT GODZILLA is doing too much with the personal injury matters and she should really go back to her general practice. Maybe then I should go to FAT GODZILLA (at the same time) and tell her that DON BOY doesn't think she really knows what she is doing?

What do you think I should do? I'm waiting...

CONFRONTATION

Why is it that people are so afraid of confrontation?

Today, FAT GODZILLA was going about her normal day. Trying to be involved in everyone else's business as usual. Normally not something to cause too much controversy. However, when she started barking orders at me, instead of taking it like I usually do, I pushed the envelope.

Okay, I snapped.

I bit her head off, and then proceeded to swallow the whole damn thing. My anger had been growing all day as the titans were clashing with great frequency. She told me to pick up a phone call. I told her that she could take the phone and shove where the sun don't shine.

The best part of the story is that she made a quiet whimpering remark and walked away. No, I did not pick up the phone. She did. However, later, instead of having the confrontation with me, she scolded her secretary for my behavior. Of course, THE DOMINATRIX came and told me what happened.

I just don't get why people are so afraid to confront other people. Since I was a young child, I've always had no problem with getting into an argument. That is why I became an attorney. I fight to win. Pull no punches.

But, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be an attorney, even if she doesn't want to be. Adversaries are often confrontational, but at the end of the day, it was a "professional argument" and people move on. If FAT GODZILLA can't handle the confrontation, how will she ever be able to move on? I guess I shouldn't care, because I am not the one with the problem (this time). Yes, I started the confrontation, but it is not my fault that she has no backbone.

I am not DON BOY, and I will not take advantage of someone that is not even an opponent. But, like I said, I fight to win. She started, and I think it is time that I start finishing some of these battles in HELL.

They better watch out.

THE LIST

Today, I started THE LIST. Every person, every thing in my office seemed to piss me off. Yes, they were all for good reasons. I always have good reasons. But, I really felt the blood boiling today.

As soon as I opened the door today, BINGO BETTY yells out "Mafioso". This was a mediocre attempt at humor. She was trying to make fun of my black pinstripe shirt. Wow, she was real original. BINGO BETTY was the first person on my list.

Next came FAT GODZILLA. FAT GODZILLA decided to follow me around the office. She wanted to tell me something. I just couldn't walk fast enough. Eventually, she just got a phone call and walked away. Why did she have to bother me? I just walked in the door and she wants to be my friend. She started telling me this oh so funny story of how she ran into her ex-boyfriend at the store. Really, I thought she ate him. And not in the fun way. FAT GODZILLA was the second person to make my list.

The next member of the list was DON BOY. He came up the stairs and called me a "Gangster". Apparently BINGO BETTY passed on the memo. I do not believe I looked like a gangster, and even if I did, fuck them for saying it. Was it meant to be a compliment, or just a joke at my expense? Not funny.

Next, THE WEASEL decides it would be appropriate to look at my time sheet to see what time I left for lunch. She pinpointed it down to the minute. Then when my wife and my grandmother called while I was out to lunch, I got quaint messages that I left work at 1:28 p.m. for lunch and was due back exactly 1 hour later. Fuck her for thinking she can have any sort of control over me, my schedule, or my life. THE WEASEL is ingrained on the list.

My next victim is THE SMART OLD HAG. She pissed me off just by walking by. We both walked into the hallway at the same exact time. Instead of acknowledging me with a "hi" or "hey John", she decided it would be most appropriate to lift her hands in a "stop don't run me over gesture." How rude can someone be. First, acknowledge the people you work with (although I could really care less if I ever speak with her, I just don't appreciate the rudeness of the bitch). Second, even if you don't acknowledge the people you work with, at least act civil, maybe human. I don't think I'm asking too much. What a cunt. She is on my list.

My last victim for the day is THE INFANT. He pissed me off just because he's a whiny little bitch. Why can't he do anything? What does he do all day long back in his hole? Does he do anything? Is he afraid to talk? Does he even have a tongue? Stop picking your god damn nose. He is at the bottom of my list.

Lucky for THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH THE CLIENTS that she is on vacation (again) and that THE DOMINATRIX doesn't usually piss me off (and she remembered my birthday so she gets brownie points).

THE LIST will grow. Don't get in my way, or you will be on the list too. By the way, I will let you know soon what I intend to do to those that make it and stay on THE LIST. Just wait, and keep on reading!

DON'T FORGET THAT I'M THE LAWYER

It's an important fact which often goes overlooked in my office. I believe this is the case with many other small law offices, but I would greatly appreciate your feedback.

As a lawyer, you are entrusted with lots of responsibilities. You are given a certain amount of power over peoples' lives. This includes your staff (all paralegals, legal secretaries, secretaries, receptionists, interns, office staff, bookkeepers, and sometimes even other attorneys), your clients (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and even occasionally your family and friends. All sort of people will come to you with questions, demanding your legal expertise, immediately.

You get the friend that calls out of the blue with quick chit-chat only to rope you in to a 40-minute free legal consultation about a DWI or a car accident that they caused. You also get the phone call from your favorite sibling or cousin, aunt or uncle about that extra money that they need just to get by, the loan that they expect you to be able to provide them. This week alone I already heard twice from my landscaper, and one time from a friend who I haven't seen in years, all scamming for free advice.

The truth is that most of the time the people involved in the DWI know criminal law much better than I do because they are more frequently involved with it because of their activities. As for loans, maybe you don't know how much it actually costs to go to law school. Repaying the four years of college plus the three years of law school. Oh yeah, don't forget the nut that we call a mortgage, homeowners, and all the other expenses that everyone else has, and more likely than not, I will be calling you for a loan.

So how is it that all the same people that come to me with their ever so important questions and concerns, seem to forget that I'm the lawyer when it suits them?!?

This past week, on no less than two separate occasions I heard legal staff giving legal advice to people. I believe that they were clients. More importantly I believe that the advice they gave was probably correct from what I overheard. (These were both telephone conversations). I also heard a family member telling someone else what "the law" is and then throwing in my name as though my lawyerdom had sanctified their opinion. Frankly, I am tired of being used and abused at the discretion of the individual.

I intend to put a stop to it, but how? I can't stop taking calls or questions. As I've told you before I don't get e-mail at work (not allowed), but I do get personal e-mails. Basically, I want to stop giving my life away for free and otherwise. I don't have enough time during the day to work and then work on my own practice if I have to spend so much of my spare time answering mundane questions from the ignorant masses. I want to yell at every one - "Don't forget that I'm the lawyer". Stop asking these stupid question, listen to what I tell you the first time, and don't do what you think you should, do as I say.

They do not care. But I will find the way to get them. Send me your suggestions. Please. Help me destroy the ignorant masses. They must die! (...and with a little pain, too!)

SHE'S DOING HER KEGEL EXERCISES, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN THE HOOKER

I heard it from two separate people today. FAT GODZILLA was too busy to answer work-related questions because she was doing her "Kegel" exercises and could not be bothered. I am not going to tell you what they are - you should Google the word for yourself if you are not familiar with it. That being said can you believe that she is such a moron? This is what she has to do all day.

I on the other hand had the pleasure of meeting with client GELATTO. He is not called GELATTO because of his coldness and creamy texture. I don't even think he is Italian. It is just a nickname that he got, and it stuck with him. Well, I was preparing GELATTO for a deposition scheduled for tomorrow. I had THE INFANT with me, learning so much about how to be a great attorney like me, when GELATTO came out with it. He went on for about ten full minutes about how he was with a hooker last night.

Problem # 1: GELATTO is the grossest, smelliest, most disgusting man on the planet.
Problem # 2: GELATTO proceeded to tell us about every angle, who was on top, on bottom, sideways, backwards, everything.
Problem # 3: See Problem # 1.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the occasional dirty story. But this was just so freaking disgusting, I almost puked. In fact, I think I threw up a little in my mouth. After this, I had to go on continue preparing him. He then had to tell us about his numerous incarcerations, and drug history. And, of course, then we had to figure out what we were doing for his current case. What a mess.

My suggestion - don't ask, don't tell!

JUST WHEN YOU NEED A HAND, THE WEASEL SHOWS HER TRUE COLORS

It seems that a lot of my posts recently are about THE WEASEL. She showed her true colors tonight.

It's Sunday night, late. My wife and I just realized that we need some personal documents notarized. No big deal. Besides being an attorney, I'm also a notary, and so I notarize documents all the time. So does THE WEASEL. We both have notarized documents for each other at work.
information anywhere?
Well, I needed a favor. It turns out that these documents can't wait until tomorrow, because they will be handed in at about 7:00 a.m. So we call THE WEASEL. We tell her our sob story. She says that she's so sorry but she can't she doesn't have her stamp.

So I remind her that she could just write the information in with a pen. It's about 10 pages. I know it's take about 15 minutes, but we really need them notarized now. So she looks all over for her information. Can't find it anywhere. Calls us a half-hour later. She again says so sorry but no.

Now I am really pissed. First of all, as a notary, you are supposed to have your notary ID card on you whenever you notarize. Next, you're trying to tell me you don't have your information somewhere else. You don't have a copy of anything you notarized in the past twenty-something years. Fucking moron.

I just went online to the state licensing website. Guess what. I found her information in two seconds flat.

Remember to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Remember that I just said that recently. Well, now it's time to keep your friends close, and your enemies far enough away that you can quickly look up their lies online and shoot them down with your information in hand.

I realize that she's not a true friend, but I still thought she would at least be there in an emergency. I guess not. True colors.

FEELING BETTER, BUT HOW MUCH BETTER CAN YOU EVER FEEL IN HELL

I thought I was better. Then I got sick again. This was a long haul. It took me about 3-4 weeks to get over it, but now I am feeling myself again. Accordingly, I will try to post more frequently. Of course, as always, I will do so on my own schedule, and I will talk about what I want. Thank you for being patient. This time, I think I have waited long enough and allowed myself to recuperate enough so that I don't just get bogged down again. We will see. Thank you for caring (if you do). If you don't care, go to HELL.

Today's post will be about THE WEASEL. She has so quickly crept back into my mind. She is such a loser. She thinks she can be your best friend all the while egging the boss on to try to get you in trouble.

I am an attorney. I worked damn hard to become an attorney. Just as I know THE WEASEL has worked damn hard to become good at her job. But, as the attorney, I do expect to get some respect. First, I've earned the respect. I've been working in HELL for more than 7 years. I've paid my dues. Second, even if you don't respect my work, you better respect me as a person. I am a good person, and I demand nothing more and expect nothing less than respect. Lastly, if you don't respect me for the good job I do, and if you don't respect me as a person, you had better listen real carefully - I AM THE ATTORNEY - YOU ARE NOT THE ATTORNEY. This is not to say that you are less important than me. I am not one of those attorneys or one of those types of people. But, I am THE ATTORNEY. When it comes to the practice of law, THE ATTORNEY is the top of the pyramid. THE WEASEL needs to learn this lessen and learn it fast.

Maybe DON BOY is in charge of the office, but without THE ATTORNEY, DON BOY has nothing. I don't mean just me. Remember, FAT GODZILLA is gonna bolt eventually. DON DADDY is not going to be around forever. I can't wait for 18 years until DON BOY decides I can take over the practice. So, what is THE WEASEL going to do? She needs THE ATTORNEY.

Maybe she will get what she deserves. So here's the plan...

I know they say you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
I also know you are supposed to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

So, I will put out the honey, and wheel THE WEASEL in. THE WEASEL will piss me off, but I will take it for now. I want THE WEASEL to feel comfortable. I don't know yet what I will do with THE WEASEL when I get her in my trap. But once I have her, then I hold all the cards. I promise I will let you know what I decide. When I do entrap THE WEASEL, she will suffer as much as she has caused others to suffer. I want her to hurt like she hurt me, like she hurt my friends.

THE WEASEL MUST DIE!