I had the wonderful pleasure of doing having FAT GODZILLA trail me every step of the way during a hearing the other day. DON BOY told FAT GODZILLA that she would have to be my second chair for a hearing the other day. Besides the obvious slap across my face, it was purportedly meant to give FAT GODZILLA the opportunity to learn how to do this type of hearing.
It is really hard. You go to the court. The judge asks some questions. You answer. That concludes the lessen. Why F.G. needed to go with me, I don't really know. I think they are scared that I am going to steal cases. Maybe they forget that this case happened to be one which I personally referred to the office. Oh well.
So we are in the car on the way in. She insisted upon driving the entire way, in her filthy, pack-rat filled car. I don't know why. So, the whole way in, she has us listen to her Native American music. Mind you, she's not Native American, she's just flaky. Of course I tell her it is the best thing since sliced bread, because that's what she wants to hear. She also wants to hear that she is a "better person" than her brother. So I lie, and tell her that too.
We go in to the hearing. The judge's clerk is mad. "Why are there two of you?" I explain that we are just both hear to answer any questions the court may have. He asks who will be first seat. I immediately jump in that I will be (God forbid she is the first chair). We all take our places, and the court is called into session. It was especially weird that the court held this hearing in open court. It is the type of hearing that is usually held in camera in the judges chambers.
I pray silently that my "co-counsel" keep her gaping hole shut. My prayers go un-answered. The judge calls us up for two side-bars. No big deal - except F.G. once again incorrectly opens her mouth. I smoothly correct her slip of the tongue, and we are on the way home. The judge reserves her decision, but we will later get the requested decision and order.
On the way home, F.G. decides to put the music back on. Okay. Then she proceeds to take the wrong way home (I don't correct her, because it is better to sit in her air-conditioned car then to sit in HELL). We go about 10 minutes out of our way when I finally suggest the right road - I don't want to get home late after all. She figures out how to go in the right direction, but does not find the right roadway, so we are in extra-heavy traffic. I suggest lightly once, politely a second time, and then forcefully a third time that we take the other road, you know, the one with the High occupancy vehicle lane.
The way home would have sucked, but I decided to use my time wisely. I decided to work on my own clients' cases. I did a lot of e-mails and texting, while sitting the whole tme side-by-side with F.G.
By the way, although I was the passenger, F.G. illegally texted and used her cell phone the entire trip home. Dangerous, Yes. Illegal, Yes. Stupid, well yes, she is F.G.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
BACK TO HELL
I was given about 3 days to mourn my loss without too much craziness. Then, by Thursday or Friday, I was back in HELL. Not only did I get back to HELL, but somehow it managed to become much, much hotter!
I was sitting in my office, minding my own business. In fact I was working on a Settlement Letter that was being prepared to be sent to an insurance company to try to get settlement negotiations started. Pretty typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary until...
FAT GODZILLA walks into my room, throws five pages of paper on my desk, and wants to know why I was looking up information on a gynecologist. My first instinct was to become defensive. Why the fuck do you care what I am looking at. Then it hit me. How did she know what I was looking at.
FAT GODZILLA was doing the dirty work for her brother, DON BOY. He was home and trying to catch me doing something wrong, he was remotely monitoring my computer activity. The fucking prick. I don't know what he thinks that I can do. He has a lock on the computers and super-restricted internet access. May I remind you that our office does not even have e-mail access.
So, what was I doing? I was looking at the online physician's profile (a site which we do have access to) of different doctors. Now I will admit that a few of the doctors were for personal use. But, it took me no more than 2 minutes to print out what I needed. I spent a good hour of the time looking up stuff for our clients, so theoretically, I was just taking a quick break. I don't smoke, so let's call that my smoking break. Whatever. In my opinion, I did nothing wrong.
That being said, to make matters worse, FAT GODZILLA did not know what he was doing, so she gave the proof to me. Of course I reamed her a new ass hole. Then I called DON BOY and did the same thing. He tried to cover it up with a lie, something about the server now printing out unexpected page printouts randomly. He even went as far as having THE WEASEL comee in to a meeting with her "pretend" printouts of her screen.
I know they are a bunch of liars. Of course, because he said that they were just random, he had no reason to even question me about them. But this all begs the question, what is he trying to accomplish. He has succeeded in pissing me off to the point of almost leaving. I am just exhausted with being treated like a child. I don't need to be babysat. No one in that office does, except for maybe FAT GODZILLA who can only sit on the phone with friends and order stuff from catalogs. Everyone else pretty much does their job. But, at a certain point, the last straw has to break. I believe my last straw did break. I am trying to temporarily tape it together just to keep the steady income. But I am irreversably cracked, and just waiting for it all to fall apart.
The funny part is that instead of printing out my work, all they had to do was ask, and I would have given a full explanation which they would have said was perfectly fine. Now, I don't trust them at all, and the little respect that I had for them, is now gone. I hope they are prepared for what comes next.
I was sitting in my office, minding my own business. In fact I was working on a Settlement Letter that was being prepared to be sent to an insurance company to try to get settlement negotiations started. Pretty typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary until...
FAT GODZILLA walks into my room, throws five pages of paper on my desk, and wants to know why I was looking up information on a gynecologist. My first instinct was to become defensive. Why the fuck do you care what I am looking at. Then it hit me. How did she know what I was looking at.
FAT GODZILLA was doing the dirty work for her brother, DON BOY. He was home and trying to catch me doing something wrong, he was remotely monitoring my computer activity. The fucking prick. I don't know what he thinks that I can do. He has a lock on the computers and super-restricted internet access. May I remind you that our office does not even have e-mail access.
So, what was I doing? I was looking at the online physician's profile (a site which we do have access to) of different doctors. Now I will admit that a few of the doctors were for personal use. But, it took me no more than 2 minutes to print out what I needed. I spent a good hour of the time looking up stuff for our clients, so theoretically, I was just taking a quick break. I don't smoke, so let's call that my smoking break. Whatever. In my opinion, I did nothing wrong.
That being said, to make matters worse, FAT GODZILLA did not know what he was doing, so she gave the proof to me. Of course I reamed her a new ass hole. Then I called DON BOY and did the same thing. He tried to cover it up with a lie, something about the server now printing out unexpected page printouts randomly. He even went as far as having THE WEASEL comee in to a meeting with her "pretend" printouts of her screen.
I know they are a bunch of liars. Of course, because he said that they were just random, he had no reason to even question me about them. But this all begs the question, what is he trying to accomplish. He has succeeded in pissing me off to the point of almost leaving. I am just exhausted with being treated like a child. I don't need to be babysat. No one in that office does, except for maybe FAT GODZILLA who can only sit on the phone with friends and order stuff from catalogs. Everyone else pretty much does their job. But, at a certain point, the last straw has to break. I believe my last straw did break. I am trying to temporarily tape it together just to keep the steady income. But I am irreversably cracked, and just waiting for it all to fall apart.
The funny part is that instead of printing out my work, all they had to do was ask, and I would have given a full explanation which they would have said was perfectly fine. Now, I don't trust them at all, and the little respect that I had for them, is now gone. I hope they are prepared for what comes next.
Monday, September 29, 2008
JOHN DOE, PERSONAL ENTRY
My name is John Doe, Esq. I am a personal injury attorney. I am a good attorney. Damn good, if I do say so myself.
Today was a day of loss for me, so I felt the need to write about it. Not a loss of a case, or a trial, but a personal, deep loss.
I don't want to get into the details of my loss, because I do pride my anonymity, and my privacy. But I have vowed to use my blog to help myself and help others.
Lawyers are human. I know it is hard to believe, because lawyers are always supposed to be there for other people. I am often the shoulder to cry on. But today, I needed a shoulder of my own.
Today was one of those days. My heart was ripped out. It was stomped on. Destroyed. The pain is so real, so intense. Unfortunately, this type of pain I have had to suffer before. In fact, before, the pain was much worse.
I have learned from my past experience. It has made me stronger. But I am allowed to suffer too.
I guess my point in writing this is to vent. This is to show a personal side of myself. To free myself of the burden of the pain. It won't free me completely. But, it is a start.
I am not speaking of lost love or lost time, but of lost potential. The potential for something important was lost today. When it comes down to it, potential is pretty much all we ever have.
We are all potentially something. We all have the potential to be good or evil, happy or sad, yin or yang. You don't know what your true potential is until that potential is gone.
But, I lost some potential today. The potential for greatness. Hoever, there is a good part about lost potential. It can be found again. But when it is lost, it is sometimes hard to find. I will find it again one day. But for now, I grieve this loss. I am allowed. I am a lawyer. I am human.
Today was a day of loss for me, so I felt the need to write about it. Not a loss of a case, or a trial, but a personal, deep loss.
I don't want to get into the details of my loss, because I do pride my anonymity, and my privacy. But I have vowed to use my blog to help myself and help others.
Lawyers are human. I know it is hard to believe, because lawyers are always supposed to be there for other people. I am often the shoulder to cry on. But today, I needed a shoulder of my own.
Today was one of those days. My heart was ripped out. It was stomped on. Destroyed. The pain is so real, so intense. Unfortunately, this type of pain I have had to suffer before. In fact, before, the pain was much worse.
I have learned from my past experience. It has made me stronger. But I am allowed to suffer too.
I guess my point in writing this is to vent. This is to show a personal side of myself. To free myself of the burden of the pain. It won't free me completely. But, it is a start.
I am not speaking of lost love or lost time, but of lost potential. The potential for something important was lost today. When it comes down to it, potential is pretty much all we ever have.
We are all potentially something. We all have the potential to be good or evil, happy or sad, yin or yang. You don't know what your true potential is until that potential is gone.
But, I lost some potential today. The potential for greatness. Hoever, there is a good part about lost potential. It can be found again. But when it is lost, it is sometimes hard to find. I will find it again one day. But for now, I grieve this loss. I am allowed. I am a lawyer. I am human.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
THE DAY OF REST (REALLY?!?)
For some of you, the weekend may be a time of rest and relaxation. A time to reorganize your thoughts and priorities, and to recharge your batteries. Maybe that is what I would do, if I only had a regular job.
Most of you in the practice of law understand that our field is a 24/7 operation.
Some attorneys in larger firms are forced to put in their 2500 hour minimum per year. Many work 70-80 hours per week (in a slow week). However, even for them, usually when they go home, their work is done.
I find that generally, attorneys will stay in the office to get the work done, and then they leave to be free from the shackles.
When you work in HELL, this is especially true. In fact, it is even more true, to an extent. We are only permitted to work between the hours of 9AM and 6:30PM. No exceptions. You are expected to fit 40 hours of work in in those times. This includes your lunch break. So really, there is no time to waste.
You might say that this is good. You know when you are expected to be in. You can't ever leave late. The problem is that client issues and your own work in the office are very difficult to finish in such a short time. I know it seems strange to be bitching about short work week hours, but it is the case.
Now, however, is where I will really start to bitch.
As a private practitioner (IN MY NON-HELL TIME), I have to do everything that I would normally do for HELL in the 40 hours, in my spare time. I have to do all my client intakes, file work, legal analyses, planning, drafting, motions, settlement letters, ordering specials, phone calls, and client interactions (to name just a few things), on my weeknights, and weekends. I do not do any work for my own practice while at HELL. I have a personal ethical code that will not allow me to do that (no matter how much I intend to make them suffer).
I knew that it would e tough going in to this. I expected all of this. But, it is damn harder then I ever thought.
So, today is Sunday. I am sitting on my laptop writing this blog. At the same time I am perusing multiple e-mails from clients. I am opening two new files (physically) for client intakes that I did at my own personal office on Tuesday night until about 9:30 pm. The only up-side is that clients love the evening hours and personal attention. Great for them. More of the same for me.
I am trying to find ways to cope. I don't drink alcohol. I don't do drugs. I find myself doing a lot more around the house (cooking, cleaning), just to get a break. My wife loves it, but I don't want her getting used to that idea either. Not that she doesn't do much more than me around the house than I do. But, please, I just don't have time to do much more than I already do.
I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel that no one else out there gets what it is like to open their own practice under these conditions. If any of you have any guidance, please comment or e-mail. I just am looking for some suggestions.
Otherwise, I may go postal.
Most of you in the practice of law understand that our field is a 24/7 operation.
Some attorneys in larger firms are forced to put in their 2500 hour minimum per year. Many work 70-80 hours per week (in a slow week). However, even for them, usually when they go home, their work is done.
I find that generally, attorneys will stay in the office to get the work done, and then they leave to be free from the shackles.
When you work in HELL, this is especially true. In fact, it is even more true, to an extent. We are only permitted to work between the hours of 9AM and 6:30PM. No exceptions. You are expected to fit 40 hours of work in in those times. This includes your lunch break. So really, there is no time to waste.
You might say that this is good. You know when you are expected to be in. You can't ever leave late. The problem is that client issues and your own work in the office are very difficult to finish in such a short time. I know it seems strange to be bitching about short work week hours, but it is the case.
Now, however, is where I will really start to bitch.
As a private practitioner (IN MY NON-HELL TIME), I have to do everything that I would normally do for HELL in the 40 hours, in my spare time. I have to do all my client intakes, file work, legal analyses, planning, drafting, motions, settlement letters, ordering specials, phone calls, and client interactions (to name just a few things), on my weeknights, and weekends. I do not do any work for my own practice while at HELL. I have a personal ethical code that will not allow me to do that (no matter how much I intend to make them suffer).
I knew that it would e tough going in to this. I expected all of this. But, it is damn harder then I ever thought.
So, today is Sunday. I am sitting on my laptop writing this blog. At the same time I am perusing multiple e-mails from clients. I am opening two new files (physically) for client intakes that I did at my own personal office on Tuesday night until about 9:30 pm. The only up-side is that clients love the evening hours and personal attention. Great for them. More of the same for me.
I am trying to find ways to cope. I don't drink alcohol. I don't do drugs. I find myself doing a lot more around the house (cooking, cleaning), just to get a break. My wife loves it, but I don't want her getting used to that idea either. Not that she doesn't do much more than me around the house than I do. But, please, I just don't have time to do much more than I already do.
I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel that no one else out there gets what it is like to open their own practice under these conditions. If any of you have any guidance, please comment or e-mail. I just am looking for some suggestions.
Otherwise, I may go postal.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
HOW DO YOU HIDE YOUR OWN PRACTICE FROM THE SNEAKY EYES IN HELL?
I guess it is not a question that gets asked a lot. But, it is a question (or a similar question anyway) that I have been asking more and more frequently recently.
I hate HELL. As we all know from my past posts, HELL is not a place for the weak-at-heart. But, with all the pain and agony, I find myself moving more and more towards my own practice.
I have been slowly working toward getting more and more clients on my own. I use nothing from HELL, I truly do it on my own. I am not going to get into too many details that might give me away, but I am definitely at the "tipping point". I can only take on so many more clients, before I just run out of time to handle them all. Now, this should be a good thing. But, I can't afford to give up my job at HELL. Not that the pay is that great, but, when you're on your on, your all alone. There is no weekly paycheck guarantee.
I am sure it is a problem many of my readers have had. Whether it is in the field of law, or any other profession or honorable job. I know that my sweetest revenge will ultimately be to leave them. (This is not to say that I am not still looking for ways to destroy them in the interim - 'cause I am.) But the question that is begged is... How do I know when I am truly ready to leave? Is there an exact money figure? Is it 6 months worth of salary? Or is it some event? I just can't stand being there another second.
I am searching for answers. In the meanwhile, I have to keep everything in perspective. To do that, I must keep my plans away from the wretched, sneaky eyes of THE WEASEL, and THE FAMILY. What to do? What to do? Advice anyone?
I hate HELL. As we all know from my past posts, HELL is not a place for the weak-at-heart. But, with all the pain and agony, I find myself moving more and more towards my own practice.
I have been slowly working toward getting more and more clients on my own. I use nothing from HELL, I truly do it on my own. I am not going to get into too many details that might give me away, but I am definitely at the "tipping point". I can only take on so many more clients, before I just run out of time to handle them all. Now, this should be a good thing. But, I can't afford to give up my job at HELL. Not that the pay is that great, but, when you're on your on, your all alone. There is no weekly paycheck guarantee.
I am sure it is a problem many of my readers have had. Whether it is in the field of law, or any other profession or honorable job. I know that my sweetest revenge will ultimately be to leave them. (This is not to say that I am not still looking for ways to destroy them in the interim - 'cause I am.) But the question that is begged is... How do I know when I am truly ready to leave? Is there an exact money figure? Is it 6 months worth of salary? Or is it some event? I just can't stand being there another second.
I am searching for answers. In the meanwhile, I have to keep everything in perspective. To do that, I must keep my plans away from the wretched, sneaky eyes of THE WEASEL, and THE FAMILY. What to do? What to do? Advice anyone?
Monday, September 15, 2008
I GUESS I'LL MISS TOMORROW TOO
The good part about getting docked is that I don't really care any longer about when I miss.
I have some important dates and events coming up that I was going to have to miss, because I am short on time. But, if the only thing they do is dock me pay, I might just take advantage of it.
I'm still waiting on ideas. I'll be out of the office tomorrow, so maybe I can think up some more of my own.
I have some important dates and events coming up that I was going to have to miss, because I am short on time. But, if the only thing they do is dock me pay, I might just take advantage of it.
I'm still waiting on ideas. I'll be out of the office tomorrow, so maybe I can think up some more of my own.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
DOCKED A DAY'S PAY - REVENGE
Many people believe that being an attorney is glamourous. I guess at times that may be true, but mostly it is just like any other job.
To prove my point, please note the following scenario.
I have had to use all of my sick days this year. Vacation time too. There has been a medical issue going on in my personal life. Nothing major, but something that is a little time consuming and unfortunately I have had to miss some time.
However, I am an attorney, and have been practicing for many years. I was under the assumption that if I had to miss more than my alloted time, I could either make it up by staying on other days, or simply that THE FAMILY would eat the time. After all, I do bring in more than my fair share of clients and I will always stay when needed.
I never realized how wrong I could be.
Today, I found out that since I am at my max, they are going to pro-rate my salary and dock me on a per day basis. Isn't that just great. I am not even a "day" worker and I am getting docked. Can you freakin' believe it?
I know this is not how it is in most other firms. In fact, I know most jobs don't do that, especially when it is for medical reasons. Worst of all, I can't believe that I let my expectations grow to the point that I would actually believe that THE FAMILY would do the right thing.
My first instance was to screw them. Show them the "who cares?" attitude. I would work from 9-5 and not a second more. I would never be early. Always take a lunch. Never leave late.
Unfortunately, I know that this really isn't too realistic. But, I just can't let them get away with it. I've been taken advantage of, and then when it is time for me to take a little back, I'm bitch-slapped. I just don't know what to do.
I think that I am going to formulate a plan. Since I am off for tomorrow (that pesky day off), I will have some time to let my thoughts wander. I have always wanted to do something big. Make it something that hits them hard and fast, and really hurts them. Especially DON BOY, the prick. But I also don't want them to know it's me. I want them to feel it, but slowly, like little amounts of arsenic put into your drink over time. You probably won't notice each one, but the cumulative effect might kill you.
Okay, so, I still like the idea of "screwing them", but I think it needs to be more subtle. Since my first thought was to bring in an uzi, maybe I should do the opposite - kill them with kindness. No, I just can't. The thought of being "fake" kind to them any longer is making my stomach flip over.
What about the idea of turning DON BOY and FAT GODZILLA against each other. If I do that, surely THE FAMILY will get caught up in the middle. Let's think about this for a second, and how this could play out.
If I go to DON BOY and tell him something that FAT GODZILLA is doing or saying, then he will immediately attack her. Today he attacked THE DOMINATRIX after he saw her talking to me. I told him a made-up story to throw him off our trail, and instead, he used my made-up story to attack her. What a dick!
So, maybe I need to hurt FAT GODZILLA first. The problem with FAT GODZILLA, is that due to the nature of her relationship with DON BOY and THE FAMILY, she is extremely sensitive to everything. If I told her that she was out of line, she might get mad for a second, and then break down and cry. I can only imagine what other attorney's do to her in negotiations. So, if I do go after her first, my idea has to be clever enough to get her to believe it, but also sly enough not to make her cry - at least at first.
Note: It may seem that FAT GODZILLA is more human than DON BOY, and that may be true, but she is just as much (if not more) to blame for the ridiculousness of HELL. DON BOY does it, but FAT GODZILLA let's it go on. Who is really abusing whom?
Alright, I made the decision to go forward with my strategy of "Divide and Conquer". I have also decided to go after FAT GODZILLA first. My methods must be sly and sinister. I must strike quickly, but quietly. I must hurt her, and put that hurt on DON BOY's head. I must try to convince FAT GODZILLA that DON BOY is going to come after her. It has to be something big. Maybe I can convince her that he is going to try to bring in an attorney to partner-up with DON DAD before DON DAD is gone. This way FAT GODZILLA will think she is being squeezed out.
I know that the one thing that she has been looking for is to get out of HELL. Although she is FAMILY, she is not well-loved (or even liked) by the rest of THE FAMILY. I honestly don't know why. Maybe because of DON BOY's disability - she was the child that was ignored. Whatever the case, this is a weakness of hers, one which I must exploit.
So we know what the weaknesses to be exploited are:
DON BOY - Temper, Narcisism
FAT GODZILLA - Inferiority complex, Sensitivity
I think I could do the same thing with DON BOY, as long as I adjust the scenario slightly. If I tell DON BOY that FAT GODZILLA is looking to squeeze him out, he may/may not believe it. But one thing that DON BOY has is a run-away imagination. If I tell him that FAT GODZILLA has been telling people that she wants to start making changes in the firm - start having all the lawyers handle general work as well as the personal injury, this might get his feathers up. If he feels threatened, he will try to do damage control. Remember, he's not a lawyer, so if he thinks she's really trying to muscle him out, he will panic. He is firmly in control now, but if I make it sound like she keeps telling me I should learn other areas (or for that matter some of the other attorneys), he might get scared that FAT GODZILLA wants him out of the way. That's what I need, I need for him to think that she wants him out of the way. If he believes that, he will need to attack her. Then the walls will start to crumble.
So, I have the basics of my plan. I told you I would start one. Well today is day one. I am taking suggestions and advice. Please feel free to comment because I want this to be as successful as possible.
To prove my point, please note the following scenario.
I have had to use all of my sick days this year. Vacation time too. There has been a medical issue going on in my personal life. Nothing major, but something that is a little time consuming and unfortunately I have had to miss some time.
However, I am an attorney, and have been practicing for many years. I was under the assumption that if I had to miss more than my alloted time, I could either make it up by staying on other days, or simply that THE FAMILY would eat the time. After all, I do bring in more than my fair share of clients and I will always stay when needed.
I never realized how wrong I could be.
Today, I found out that since I am at my max, they are going to pro-rate my salary and dock me on a per day basis. Isn't that just great. I am not even a "day" worker and I am getting docked. Can you freakin' believe it?
I know this is not how it is in most other firms. In fact, I know most jobs don't do that, especially when it is for medical reasons. Worst of all, I can't believe that I let my expectations grow to the point that I would actually believe that THE FAMILY would do the right thing.
My first instance was to screw them. Show them the "who cares?" attitude. I would work from 9-5 and not a second more. I would never be early. Always take a lunch. Never leave late.
Unfortunately, I know that this really isn't too realistic. But, I just can't let them get away with it. I've been taken advantage of, and then when it is time for me to take a little back, I'm bitch-slapped. I just don't know what to do.
I think that I am going to formulate a plan. Since I am off for tomorrow (that pesky day off), I will have some time to let my thoughts wander. I have always wanted to do something big. Make it something that hits them hard and fast, and really hurts them. Especially DON BOY, the prick. But I also don't want them to know it's me. I want them to feel it, but slowly, like little amounts of arsenic put into your drink over time. You probably won't notice each one, but the cumulative effect might kill you.
Okay, so, I still like the idea of "screwing them", but I think it needs to be more subtle. Since my first thought was to bring in an uzi, maybe I should do the opposite - kill them with kindness. No, I just can't. The thought of being "fake" kind to them any longer is making my stomach flip over.
What about the idea of turning DON BOY and FAT GODZILLA against each other. If I do that, surely THE FAMILY will get caught up in the middle. Let's think about this for a second, and how this could play out.
If I go to DON BOY and tell him something that FAT GODZILLA is doing or saying, then he will immediately attack her. Today he attacked THE DOMINATRIX after he saw her talking to me. I told him a made-up story to throw him off our trail, and instead, he used my made-up story to attack her. What a dick!
So, maybe I need to hurt FAT GODZILLA first. The problem with FAT GODZILLA, is that due to the nature of her relationship with DON BOY and THE FAMILY, she is extremely sensitive to everything. If I told her that she was out of line, she might get mad for a second, and then break down and cry. I can only imagine what other attorney's do to her in negotiations. So, if I do go after her first, my idea has to be clever enough to get her to believe it, but also sly enough not to make her cry - at least at first.
Note: It may seem that FAT GODZILLA is more human than DON BOY, and that may be true, but she is just as much (if not more) to blame for the ridiculousness of HELL. DON BOY does it, but FAT GODZILLA let's it go on. Who is really abusing whom?
Alright, I made the decision to go forward with my strategy of "Divide and Conquer". I have also decided to go after FAT GODZILLA first. My methods must be sly and sinister. I must strike quickly, but quietly. I must hurt her, and put that hurt on DON BOY's head. I must try to convince FAT GODZILLA that DON BOY is going to come after her. It has to be something big. Maybe I can convince her that he is going to try to bring in an attorney to partner-up with DON DAD before DON DAD is gone. This way FAT GODZILLA will think she is being squeezed out.
I know that the one thing that she has been looking for is to get out of HELL. Although she is FAMILY, she is not well-loved (or even liked) by the rest of THE FAMILY. I honestly don't know why. Maybe because of DON BOY's disability - she was the child that was ignored. Whatever the case, this is a weakness of hers, one which I must exploit.
So we know what the weaknesses to be exploited are:
DON BOY - Temper, Narcisism
FAT GODZILLA - Inferiority complex, Sensitivity
I think I could do the same thing with DON BOY, as long as I adjust the scenario slightly. If I tell DON BOY that FAT GODZILLA is looking to squeeze him out, he may/may not believe it. But one thing that DON BOY has is a run-away imagination. If I tell him that FAT GODZILLA has been telling people that she wants to start making changes in the firm - start having all the lawyers handle general work as well as the personal injury, this might get his feathers up. If he feels threatened, he will try to do damage control. Remember, he's not a lawyer, so if he thinks she's really trying to muscle him out, he will panic. He is firmly in control now, but if I make it sound like she keeps telling me I should learn other areas (or for that matter some of the other attorneys), he might get scared that FAT GODZILLA wants him out of the way. That's what I need, I need for him to think that she wants him out of the way. If he believes that, he will need to attack her. Then the walls will start to crumble.
So, I have the basics of my plan. I told you I would start one. Well today is day one. I am taking suggestions and advice. Please feel free to comment because I want this to be as successful as possible.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
DREAD
I dread going back to HELL tomorrow. It is about 7:00 on Sunday night. My stomach begins to churn at the simple thought of going back there in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one out there that feels this way. I am sure I am not, but I just feel like there is no end in sight.
Many of you know that I am in the process of opening my own practice. For those of you that are solo practitioners, I am sure you know what I am going through. I feel like I am at the absolute tipping point. I have been working my tail off, especially on nights and weekends. I get new clients where I can, and I do my own work after a full day in HELL. No, THE FAMILY does not know what I am doing. Although, a few of my closest friend in HELL do know. I am keeping it quiet for obvious reasons.
Basically, I need to keep the job while my other cases are pending. I am looking to leave just as soon as possible, but I need the steady income until my own cases pay off. That being said, I cannot stand being there on a daily basis (HELL). It is much more fulfilling to work my own cases, for my own clients, my own way. I also have to manage to keep some appearances - especially when THE FAMILY expects me to still bring in cases. I tend to bring in only what I think I can't handle on my own for a variety of reasons. Maybe I don't want the client on my own, and the client doesn't know about my own practice, then maybe for appearances it looks good to THE FAMILY if I refer them a case. Maybe I think I am not as well equipped to handle the matter. (That is a hard one to swallow, and luckily I haven't had to do that yet, but I am prepared nonetheless.) Sometimes, more is better, and HELL at least is more that a solo. (More people, more attorneys - not more in "spirit").
Nevertheless, these are some of the incessant ramblings that go on through my head. I need a break from everything, and have no time to take a break from anything. It is a constant dilemma. I catch up as much as I can on the weekend and evenings. But that is both when I catch up on my solo work and my rest. It seems to be a paradox that I cannot escape.
Pills and booze do work on a temporary basis. I go to therapy. My therapist says that more attorneys and doctors go to (and need) therapy than any other professions/careers. Not surprising, but therapy doesn't fix everything. Neither do hookers.
I would like to know what other people think, but I don't have time to contact people about this. I am busy all the time as I am sure all of you are too. I dread HELL, but I also dread not knowing what will happen next.
Any ideas? If you are reading this you must have some spare time. Please comment or e-mail soon. I need help! Thanks - John Doe, Esq.
Many of you know that I am in the process of opening my own practice. For those of you that are solo practitioners, I am sure you know what I am going through. I feel like I am at the absolute tipping point. I have been working my tail off, especially on nights and weekends. I get new clients where I can, and I do my own work after a full day in HELL. No, THE FAMILY does not know what I am doing. Although, a few of my closest friend in HELL do know. I am keeping it quiet for obvious reasons.
Basically, I need to keep the job while my other cases are pending. I am looking to leave just as soon as possible, but I need the steady income until my own cases pay off. That being said, I cannot stand being there on a daily basis (HELL). It is much more fulfilling to work my own cases, for my own clients, my own way. I also have to manage to keep some appearances - especially when THE FAMILY expects me to still bring in cases. I tend to bring in only what I think I can't handle on my own for a variety of reasons. Maybe I don't want the client on my own, and the client doesn't know about my own practice, then maybe for appearances it looks good to THE FAMILY if I refer them a case. Maybe I think I am not as well equipped to handle the matter. (That is a hard one to swallow, and luckily I haven't had to do that yet, but I am prepared nonetheless.) Sometimes, more is better, and HELL at least is more that a solo. (More people, more attorneys - not more in "spirit").
Nevertheless, these are some of the incessant ramblings that go on through my head. I need a break from everything, and have no time to take a break from anything. It is a constant dilemma. I catch up as much as I can on the weekend and evenings. But that is both when I catch up on my solo work and my rest. It seems to be a paradox that I cannot escape.
Pills and booze do work on a temporary basis. I go to therapy. My therapist says that more attorneys and doctors go to (and need) therapy than any other professions/careers. Not surprising, but therapy doesn't fix everything. Neither do hookers.
I would like to know what other people think, but I don't have time to contact people about this. I am busy all the time as I am sure all of you are too. I dread HELL, but I also dread not knowing what will happen next.
Any ideas? If you are reading this you must have some spare time. Please comment or e-mail soon. I need help! Thanks - John Doe, Esq.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS
Yes, I did intend the pun.
I spent today writing a motion. I spent 8 hours today going through 3 boxes of a closed file in preparation of a motion to support THE FAMILY's legal fee.
Now the question is, "Did I write the best motion possible?"
Multiple choice:
(A) Of course I did. I have a legal and ethical obligation to be a zealous advocate and officer of the court.
(B) I think I did a good job. I worked hard. I put a lot of time into the motion.
(C) Maybe yes, maybe no. I did write a lot, but I found myself drifting off,
listening to the banality that is "secretarial chatter".
(D) Fuck no. They made me sit in a closed office with no windows suffering through this old file because everyone else is away on vacation. I did a crap job and hope that they suffer because of it. Maybe they will get sanctioned. It won't matter to me because I will make sure someone else signs it. In fact, I wrote stuff in the motion to try to get THE FAMILY screwed. It was a pleasure to hurt them, and I'd do it again.
Now, if you chose (A) you're an "Idealist". Idealists do wonderful in law school, but usually have a nervous break down within 6 months of starting to practice law.
If you chose (B) you're the "Average Joe". You do your job. You might not care for it too much, but, hey, your bills are getting paid, and you are just getting the experience you need to move on to another job. Well guess what Average Joe - there are no other jobs out there. This is it, so suck it.
Choice (C) is interesting. If you picked (C) then you're the "Dead End Guy". You are not going anywhere, and you know it. The scary part is that you prefer it to be this way. You don't want any responsibility. You have totally lost that "something" that made you go to law school to begin with. You will never be promoted. You will never be partner. Your significant other is definitely cheating on you. I think I caught you masturbating in the bathroom at work.
Choice (D) is just fucking awesome. You are "The Man" If you picked Choice (D) then you have the balls of a brass monkey. I tell myself all the time that I would pick Choice (D). Sometimes I even do pick choice (D). Whether or not that's in my head or for real, well I'll leave that up to you.
So do you want to know what choice I picked? I picked Choice (insert the ending to the Sopranos here)....
I spent today writing a motion. I spent 8 hours today going through 3 boxes of a closed file in preparation of a motion to support THE FAMILY's legal fee.
Now the question is, "Did I write the best motion possible?"
Multiple choice:
(A) Of course I did. I have a legal and ethical obligation to be a zealous advocate and officer of the court.
(B) I think I did a good job. I worked hard. I put a lot of time into the motion.
(C) Maybe yes, maybe no. I did write a lot, but I found myself drifting off,
listening to the banality that is "secretarial chatter".
(D) Fuck no. They made me sit in a closed office with no windows suffering through this old file because everyone else is away on vacation. I did a crap job and hope that they suffer because of it. Maybe they will get sanctioned. It won't matter to me because I will make sure someone else signs it. In fact, I wrote stuff in the motion to try to get THE FAMILY screwed. It was a pleasure to hurt them, and I'd do it again.
Now, if you chose (A) you're an "Idealist". Idealists do wonderful in law school, but usually have a nervous break down within 6 months of starting to practice law.
If you chose (B) you're the "Average Joe". You do your job. You might not care for it too much, but, hey, your bills are getting paid, and you are just getting the experience you need to move on to another job. Well guess what Average Joe - there are no other jobs out there. This is it, so suck it.
Choice (C) is interesting. If you picked (C) then you're the "Dead End Guy". You are not going anywhere, and you know it. The scary part is that you prefer it to be this way. You don't want any responsibility. You have totally lost that "something" that made you go to law school to begin with. You will never be promoted. You will never be partner. Your significant other is definitely cheating on you. I think I caught you masturbating in the bathroom at work.
Choice (D) is just fucking awesome. You are "The Man" If you picked Choice (D) then you have the balls of a brass monkey. I tell myself all the time that I would pick Choice (D). Sometimes I even do pick choice (D). Whether or not that's in my head or for real, well I'll leave that up to you.
So do you want to know what choice I picked? I picked Choice (insert the ending to the Sopranos here)....
Sunday, August 31, 2008
LABOR DAY
With Labor Day approaching, it is most important that I share with you my feelings of those who labor with you in a law office.
Let's start with the Legal Secretary. Pros: Most of the legal secretaries in HELL are very nice, very competent people (all women). The ladies are usually very experienced at their job, most of whom have been working as a legal secretary for 1 or 2 and some for even 3 decades. You know you have a good staff of secretaries when the newest one has been doing legal secretary work for over a decade. Cons: Most of the legal secretaries believe they know your job better than you do. As I said most recently in a post - it is sometimes difficult to keep the lawyer-secretary dynamic with a person that has been working twice or three times as long as you have been in the field. Nevertheless, if you keep your degree in mind, and act professional and courteous, that will go a long way.
Next lets move to the Paralegal. Pros: Many of the legal secretaries in our office have studied to be a paralegal to some degree or another. Paralegals usually (and the operative word is "usually" have more training and education than the secretaries.) Cons: Sometimes the term "paralegal" and "secretary" are used interchangeably, but I believe the main difference comes in the extent of ability to research and assist the lawyer on a scholarly level as compared to the simpler (but not always easier) ability to help in drafting/word processing and preparation. In HELL, for instance, THE WEASEL and THE DOMINATRIX are both legal secretaries, both of whom could also be considered paralegals. However, BINGO BETTY and THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS are both more of legal secretaries.
Labor Day wouldn't be noteworthy without the Lawyers. Pros: Of course I will agree that lawyers do most of the work (Not!). Lawyers get paid more to do less work simply because they were smart enough to go to law school and pass the bar exam. That's it. Cons: Secretaries and paralegals often get mad thinking that they are doing the lions share of the work (true). This is not to say that the attorneys don't work (although I readily admit that I do more work than all of the other attorneys in my office combined - no it is not an ego problem, it is a brutal honesty problem I have).
Labor Day is not noteworthy because of the Office Manager - DON BOY thinks he's a lawyer. Although he may be a good business man, he is not a good man. He does not know how to treat his employees. He does not know how to treat his sister, FAT GODZILLA, even if she deserves to be treated like the piece of trash that she is. He does not even know how to treat his wife, DON WIFE. Fact is he is not a bad person. Pro/Con: The fact is, he doesn't know any of this. I don't believe any one person can be as good at what they do and still be as bad at how they do it, and succeed.
I guess this is what Labor Day is really about. We all labor in HELL for THE FAMILY. THE FAMILY benefits, and we get 8 fucking hours off with pay. Ain't life grand.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
SATURDAY NIGHT (Yes, I do get a night off every few years)
I'm at a wedding right now with my wife and extended family. Even lawyers like a good party every now and then. Hey. I'm not in HELL. Like Martha Stewart says - That's a good thing.
Doesn't mean I'm not still working. I e-mailed one client and text messaged another for a while, bug it was mostly down time.
Gotta go. My father-in-law is dancing. What a sight.
I guess the message is to try to enjoy the fun because it is fleeting.
MOBILE BLAWGING
As you have learned in past posts, I do not have e-mail and have only limited access to the Internet (about 10 sites) in HELL. So, I am attempting to start blogging from my cell phone. I have to be careful not to get caught. That too is a thrill.
But since it is the weekend I figured I'd give it a shot. Hopefully this works well so I can keep you up to date on HELL more frequently and sometimes even throughout the day when my reactions and feelings are most intense. Truth and reality baby. Now!!
Friday, August 29, 2008
LET THE FIREWORKS BEGIN (THE BATTLE ROYALE)
Sometimes it's just fun to sit back and watch the idiots do their thing.
As a hired gun in HELL, I often am the one that has to listen to everyone else's bullshit. Most especially, DON BOY. Frequently, FAT GODZILLA. But today, I was just a spectator. And what a show it was...
Today, DON BOY and FAT GODZILLA (don't forget they are brother and sister) went at it. It was a throw down, cat scratching, bear clawing, assault (and battery too!).
This is how it got started. We were in one of our bi-weekly mail/status meetings. We all get together and go through mail and any current client issues we are dealing with. Rather mundane stuff. Well, DON BOY has been all over FAT GODZILLA to get more involved in the personal injury area of our practice. So she has been picking up things to do to try to make it look like she is involved all the while really doing nothing.
Well, last week, DON BOY gave FAT GODZILLA an assignment of sorts. It was her job to follow-up on it and make sure things get done the way they should. She gladly accepted the challenge and was put to task.
I don't think FAT GODZILLA has ever finished anything she started. This task was no different. She was supposed to stay in touch with this potential new personal injury client to determine whether or not a claim had to be filed with the state. Well, she didn't do anything, and it came up on our calendar today. These fireworks were better than anything China did in the Olympics.
He basically called her a complete moron in front of the entire office. Once again, all the secretaries and attorneys got to witness DON BOY being a dick. Not to say she doesn't deserve it, because she did. THE DOMINATRIX always does all of her work and she just signs it anyway. I would like to think she reviews it, but honestly, I don't even know how she passed the third grade, so reading comprehension might be a problem.
She tried to come back at him with her lame excuses. I even thought he was going to bust a blood vessel when she got up in the middle of the argument to take a phone call. He screamed at her asking if we would have to wait for her, and for the first time ever she said "Yes, you will wait for me." I can't believe she finally grew a set and told him. You have to understand that he has zero problems with disrespecting everyone else's schedule. He will gladly come in to my office and start talking to me while I am on the phone. Doesn't matter who it is with, personal, business, otherwise. Whatever he has to say is more important. I just ignore him, but FAT GODZILLA, she usually jumps. Not this time, though. However, I think afterword she got scolded because they went to a closed door meeting (at least once or twice a week they have one but this one was so close in time to the fireworks, he had to bitch slap her a few times.
So, the real next question is, who is gonna give in first? Usually she backs down, and he just rolls right over her. Sometimes she will pout and get DON DADDY involved, but he is about 127 years old now, so it is difficult for him to separate the sparring children. Only time will tell, unless I happen to throw a wrinkle into the system.
I was thinking of causing a little commotion in the office. Maybe go to DON DADDY and tell him that I think FAT GODZILLA is doing too much with the personal injury matters and she should really go back to her general practice. Maybe then I should go to FAT GODZILLA (at the same time) and tell her that DON BOY doesn't think she really knows what she is doing?
What do you think I should do? I'm waiting...
As a hired gun in HELL, I often am the one that has to listen to everyone else's bullshit. Most especially, DON BOY. Frequently, FAT GODZILLA. But today, I was just a spectator. And what a show it was...
Today, DON BOY and FAT GODZILLA (don't forget they are brother and sister) went at it. It was a throw down, cat scratching, bear clawing, assault (and battery too!).
This is how it got started. We were in one of our bi-weekly mail/status meetings. We all get together and go through mail and any current client issues we are dealing with. Rather mundane stuff. Well, DON BOY has been all over FAT GODZILLA to get more involved in the personal injury area of our practice. So she has been picking up things to do to try to make it look like she is involved all the while really doing nothing.
Well, last week, DON BOY gave FAT GODZILLA an assignment of sorts. It was her job to follow-up on it and make sure things get done the way they should. She gladly accepted the challenge and was put to task.
I don't think FAT GODZILLA has ever finished anything she started. This task was no different. She was supposed to stay in touch with this potential new personal injury client to determine whether or not a claim had to be filed with the state. Well, she didn't do anything, and it came up on our calendar today. These fireworks were better than anything China did in the Olympics.
He basically called her a complete moron in front of the entire office. Once again, all the secretaries and attorneys got to witness DON BOY being a dick. Not to say she doesn't deserve it, because she did. THE DOMINATRIX always does all of her work and she just signs it anyway. I would like to think she reviews it, but honestly, I don't even know how she passed the third grade, so reading comprehension might be a problem.
She tried to come back at him with her lame excuses. I even thought he was going to bust a blood vessel when she got up in the middle of the argument to take a phone call. He screamed at her asking if we would have to wait for her, and for the first time ever she said "Yes, you will wait for me." I can't believe she finally grew a set and told him. You have to understand that he has zero problems with disrespecting everyone else's schedule. He will gladly come in to my office and start talking to me while I am on the phone. Doesn't matter who it is with, personal, business, otherwise. Whatever he has to say is more important. I just ignore him, but FAT GODZILLA, she usually jumps. Not this time, though. However, I think afterword she got scolded because they went to a closed door meeting (at least once or twice a week they have one but this one was so close in time to the fireworks, he had to bitch slap her a few times.
So, the real next question is, who is gonna give in first? Usually she backs down, and he just rolls right over her. Sometimes she will pout and get DON DADDY involved, but he is about 127 years old now, so it is difficult for him to separate the sparring children. Only time will tell, unless I happen to throw a wrinkle into the system.
I was thinking of causing a little commotion in the office. Maybe go to DON DADDY and tell him that I think FAT GODZILLA is doing too much with the personal injury matters and she should really go back to her general practice. Maybe then I should go to FAT GODZILLA (at the same time) and tell her that DON BOY doesn't think she really knows what she is doing?
What do you think I should do? I'm waiting...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
CONFRONTATION
Why is it that people are so afraid of confrontation?
Today, FAT GODZILLA was going about her normal day. Trying to be involved in everyone else's business as usual. Normally not something to cause too much controversy. However, when she started barking orders at me, instead of taking it like I usually do, I pushed the envelope.
Okay, I snapped.
I bit her head off, and then proceeded to swallow the whole damn thing. My anger had been growing all day as the titans were clashing with great frequency. She told me to pick up a phone call. I told her that she could take the phone and shove where the sun don't shine.
The best part of the story is that she made a quiet whimpering remark and walked away. No, I did not pick up the phone. She did. However, later, instead of having the confrontation with me, she scolded her secretary for my behavior. Of course, THE DOMINATRIX came and told me what happened.
I just don't get why people are so afraid to confront other people. Since I was a young child, I've always had no problem with getting into an argument. That is why I became an attorney. I fight to win. Pull no punches.
But, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be an attorney, even if she doesn't want to be. Adversaries are often confrontational, but at the end of the day, it was a "professional argument" and people move on. If FAT GODZILLA can't handle the confrontation, how will she ever be able to move on? I guess I shouldn't care, because I am not the one with the problem (this time). Yes, I started the confrontation, but it is not my fault that she has no backbone.
I am not DON BOY, and I will not take advantage of someone that is not even an opponent. But, like I said, I fight to win. She started, and I think it is time that I start finishing some of these battles in HELL.
They better watch out.
Today, FAT GODZILLA was going about her normal day. Trying to be involved in everyone else's business as usual. Normally not something to cause too much controversy. However, when she started barking orders at me, instead of taking it like I usually do, I pushed the envelope.
Okay, I snapped.
I bit her head off, and then proceeded to swallow the whole damn thing. My anger had been growing all day as the titans were clashing with great frequency. She told me to pick up a phone call. I told her that she could take the phone and shove where the sun don't shine.
The best part of the story is that she made a quiet whimpering remark and walked away. No, I did not pick up the phone. She did. However, later, instead of having the confrontation with me, she scolded her secretary for my behavior. Of course, THE DOMINATRIX came and told me what happened.
I just don't get why people are so afraid to confront other people. Since I was a young child, I've always had no problem with getting into an argument. That is why I became an attorney. I fight to win. Pull no punches.
But, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be an attorney, even if she doesn't want to be. Adversaries are often confrontational, but at the end of the day, it was a "professional argument" and people move on. If FAT GODZILLA can't handle the confrontation, how will she ever be able to move on? I guess I shouldn't care, because I am not the one with the problem (this time). Yes, I started the confrontation, but it is not my fault that she has no backbone.
I am not DON BOY, and I will not take advantage of someone that is not even an opponent. But, like I said, I fight to win. She started, and I think it is time that I start finishing some of these battles in HELL.
They better watch out.
Monday, August 25, 2008
THE LIST
Today, I started THE LIST. Every person, every thing in my office seemed to piss me off. Yes, they were all for good reasons. I always have good reasons. But, I really felt the blood boiling today.
As soon as I opened the door today, BINGO BETTY yells out "Mafioso". This was a mediocre attempt at humor. She was trying to make fun of my black pinstripe shirt. Wow, she was real original. BINGO BETTY was the first person on my list.
Next came FAT GODZILLA. FAT GODZILLA decided to follow me around the office. She wanted to tell me something. I just couldn't walk fast enough. Eventually, she just got a phone call and walked away. Why did she have to bother me? I just walked in the door and she wants to be my friend. She started telling me this oh so funny story of how she ran into her ex-boyfriend at the store. Really, I thought she ate him. And not in the fun way. FAT GODZILLA was the second person to make my list.
The next member of the list was DON BOY. He came up the stairs and called me a "Gangster". Apparently BINGO BETTY passed on the memo. I do not believe I looked like a gangster, and even if I did, fuck them for saying it. Was it meant to be a compliment, or just a joke at my expense? Not funny.
Next, THE WEASEL decides it would be appropriate to look at my time sheet to see what time I left for lunch. She pinpointed it down to the minute. Then when my wife and my grandmother called while I was out to lunch, I got quaint messages that I left work at 1:28 p.m. for lunch and was due back exactly 1 hour later. Fuck her for thinking she can have any sort of control over me, my schedule, or my life. THE WEASEL is ingrained on the list.
My next victim is THE SMART OLD HAG. She pissed me off just by walking by. We both walked into the hallway at the same exact time. Instead of acknowledging me with a "hi" or "hey John", she decided it would be most appropriate to lift her hands in a "stop don't run me over gesture." How rude can someone be. First, acknowledge the people you work with (although I could really care less if I ever speak with her, I just don't appreciate the rudeness of the bitch). Second, even if you don't acknowledge the people you work with, at least act civil, maybe human. I don't think I'm asking too much. What a cunt. She is on my list.
My last victim for the day is THE INFANT. He pissed me off just because he's a whiny little bitch. Why can't he do anything? What does he do all day long back in his hole? Does he do anything? Is he afraid to talk? Does he even have a tongue? Stop picking your god damn nose. He is at the bottom of my list.
Lucky for THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH THE CLIENTS that she is on vacation (again) and that THE DOMINATRIX doesn't usually piss me off (and she remembered my birthday so she gets brownie points).
THE LIST will grow. Don't get in my way, or you will be on the list too. By the way, I will let you know soon what I intend to do to those that make it and stay on THE LIST. Just wait, and keep on reading!
As soon as I opened the door today, BINGO BETTY yells out "Mafioso". This was a mediocre attempt at humor. She was trying to make fun of my black pinstripe shirt. Wow, she was real original. BINGO BETTY was the first person on my list.
Next came FAT GODZILLA. FAT GODZILLA decided to follow me around the office. She wanted to tell me something. I just couldn't walk fast enough. Eventually, she just got a phone call and walked away. Why did she have to bother me? I just walked in the door and she wants to be my friend. She started telling me this oh so funny story of how she ran into her ex-boyfriend at the store. Really, I thought she ate him. And not in the fun way. FAT GODZILLA was the second person to make my list.
The next member of the list was DON BOY. He came up the stairs and called me a "Gangster". Apparently BINGO BETTY passed on the memo. I do not believe I looked like a gangster, and even if I did, fuck them for saying it. Was it meant to be a compliment, or just a joke at my expense? Not funny.
Next, THE WEASEL decides it would be appropriate to look at my time sheet to see what time I left for lunch. She pinpointed it down to the minute. Then when my wife and my grandmother called while I was out to lunch, I got quaint messages that I left work at 1:28 p.m. for lunch and was due back exactly 1 hour later. Fuck her for thinking she can have any sort of control over me, my schedule, or my life. THE WEASEL is ingrained on the list.
My next victim is THE SMART OLD HAG. She pissed me off just by walking by. We both walked into the hallway at the same exact time. Instead of acknowledging me with a "hi" or "hey John", she decided it would be most appropriate to lift her hands in a "stop don't run me over gesture." How rude can someone be. First, acknowledge the people you work with (although I could really care less if I ever speak with her, I just don't appreciate the rudeness of the bitch). Second, even if you don't acknowledge the people you work with, at least act civil, maybe human. I don't think I'm asking too much. What a cunt. She is on my list.
My last victim for the day is THE INFANT. He pissed me off just because he's a whiny little bitch. Why can't he do anything? What does he do all day long back in his hole? Does he do anything? Is he afraid to talk? Does he even have a tongue? Stop picking your god damn nose. He is at the bottom of my list.
Lucky for THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH THE CLIENTS that she is on vacation (again) and that THE DOMINATRIX doesn't usually piss me off (and she remembered my birthday so she gets brownie points).
THE LIST will grow. Don't get in my way, or you will be on the list too. By the way, I will let you know soon what I intend to do to those that make it and stay on THE LIST. Just wait, and keep on reading!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
DON'T FORGET THAT I'M THE LAWYER
It's an important fact which often goes overlooked in my office. I believe this is the case with many other small law offices, but I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
As a lawyer, you are entrusted with lots of responsibilities. You are given a certain amount of power over peoples' lives. This includes your staff (all paralegals, legal secretaries, secretaries, receptionists, interns, office staff, bookkeepers, and sometimes even other attorneys), your clients (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and even occasionally your family and friends. All sort of people will come to you with questions, demanding your legal expertise, immediately.
You get the friend that calls out of the blue with quick chit-chat only to rope you in to a 40-minute free legal consultation about a DWI or a car accident that they caused. You also get the phone call from your favorite sibling or cousin, aunt or uncle about that extra money that they need just to get by, the loan that they expect you to be able to provide them. This week alone I already heard twice from my landscaper, and one time from a friend who I haven't seen in years, all scamming for free advice.
The truth is that most of the time the people involved in the DWI know criminal law much better than I do because they are more frequently involved with it because of their activities. As for loans, maybe you don't know how much it actually costs to go to law school. Repaying the four years of college plus the three years of law school. Oh yeah, don't forget the nut that we call a mortgage, homeowners, and all the other expenses that everyone else has, and more likely than not, I will be calling you for a loan.
So how is it that all the same people that come to me with their ever so important questions and concerns, seem to forget that I'm the lawyer when it suits them?!?
This past week, on no less than two separate occasions I heard legal staff giving legal advice to people. I believe that they were clients. More importantly I believe that the advice they gave was probably correct from what I overheard. (These were both telephone conversations). I also heard a family member telling someone else what "the law" is and then throwing in my name as though my lawyerdom had sanctified their opinion. Frankly, I am tired of being used and abused at the discretion of the individual.
I intend to put a stop to it, but how? I can't stop taking calls or questions. As I've told you before I don't get e-mail at work (not allowed), but I do get personal e-mails. Basically, I want to stop giving my life away for free and otherwise. I don't have enough time during the day to work and then work on my own practice if I have to spend so much of my spare time answering mundane questions from the ignorant masses. I want to yell at every one - "Don't forget that I'm the lawyer". Stop asking these stupid question, listen to what I tell you the first time, and don't do what you think you should, do as I say.
They do not care. But I will find the way to get them. Send me your suggestions. Please. Help me destroy the ignorant masses. They must die! (...and with a little pain, too!)
As a lawyer, you are entrusted with lots of responsibilities. You are given a certain amount of power over peoples' lives. This includes your staff (all paralegals, legal secretaries, secretaries, receptionists, interns, office staff, bookkeepers, and sometimes even other attorneys), your clients (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and even occasionally your family and friends. All sort of people will come to you with questions, demanding your legal expertise, immediately.
You get the friend that calls out of the blue with quick chit-chat only to rope you in to a 40-minute free legal consultation about a DWI or a car accident that they caused. You also get the phone call from your favorite sibling or cousin, aunt or uncle about that extra money that they need just to get by, the loan that they expect you to be able to provide them. This week alone I already heard twice from my landscaper, and one time from a friend who I haven't seen in years, all scamming for free advice.
The truth is that most of the time the people involved in the DWI know criminal law much better than I do because they are more frequently involved with it because of their activities. As for loans, maybe you don't know how much it actually costs to go to law school. Repaying the four years of college plus the three years of law school. Oh yeah, don't forget the nut that we call a mortgage, homeowners, and all the other expenses that everyone else has, and more likely than not, I will be calling you for a loan.
So how is it that all the same people that come to me with their ever so important questions and concerns, seem to forget that I'm the lawyer when it suits them?!?
This past week, on no less than two separate occasions I heard legal staff giving legal advice to people. I believe that they were clients. More importantly I believe that the advice they gave was probably correct from what I overheard. (These were both telephone conversations). I also heard a family member telling someone else what "the law" is and then throwing in my name as though my lawyerdom had sanctified their opinion. Frankly, I am tired of being used and abused at the discretion of the individual.
I intend to put a stop to it, but how? I can't stop taking calls or questions. As I've told you before I don't get e-mail at work (not allowed), but I do get personal e-mails. Basically, I want to stop giving my life away for free and otherwise. I don't have enough time during the day to work and then work on my own practice if I have to spend so much of my spare time answering mundane questions from the ignorant masses. I want to yell at every one - "Don't forget that I'm the lawyer". Stop asking these stupid question, listen to what I tell you the first time, and don't do what you think you should, do as I say.
They do not care. But I will find the way to get them. Send me your suggestions. Please. Help me destroy the ignorant masses. They must die! (...and with a little pain, too!)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
SHE'S DOING HER KEGEL EXERCISES, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN THE HOOKER
I heard it from two separate people today. FAT GODZILLA was too busy to answer work-related questions because she was doing her "Kegel" exercises and could not be bothered. I am not going to tell you what they are - you should Google the word for yourself if you are not familiar with it. That being said can you believe that she is such a moron? This is what she has to do all day.
I on the other hand had the pleasure of meeting with client GELATTO. He is not called GELATTO because of his coldness and creamy texture. I don't even think he is Italian. It is just a nickname that he got, and it stuck with him. Well, I was preparing GELATTO for a deposition scheduled for tomorrow. I had THE INFANT with me, learning so much about how to be a great attorney like me, when GELATTO came out with it. He went on for about ten full minutes about how he was with a hooker last night.
Problem # 1: GELATTO is the grossest, smelliest, most disgusting man on the planet.
Problem # 2: GELATTO proceeded to tell us about every angle, who was on top, on bottom, sideways, backwards, everything.
Problem # 3: See Problem # 1.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the occasional dirty story. But this was just so freaking disgusting, I almost puked. In fact, I think I threw up a little in my mouth. After this, I had to go on continue preparing him. He then had to tell us about his numerous incarcerations, and drug history. And, of course, then we had to figure out what we were doing for his current case. What a mess.
My suggestion - don't ask, don't tell!
I on the other hand had the pleasure of meeting with client GELATTO. He is not called GELATTO because of his coldness and creamy texture. I don't even think he is Italian. It is just a nickname that he got, and it stuck with him. Well, I was preparing GELATTO for a deposition scheduled for tomorrow. I had THE INFANT with me, learning so much about how to be a great attorney like me, when GELATTO came out with it. He went on for about ten full minutes about how he was with a hooker last night.
Problem # 1: GELATTO is the grossest, smelliest, most disgusting man on the planet.
Problem # 2: GELATTO proceeded to tell us about every angle, who was on top, on bottom, sideways, backwards, everything.
Problem # 3: See Problem # 1.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the occasional dirty story. But this was just so freaking disgusting, I almost puked. In fact, I think I threw up a little in my mouth. After this, I had to go on continue preparing him. He then had to tell us about his numerous incarcerations, and drug history. And, of course, then we had to figure out what we were doing for his current case. What a mess.
My suggestion - don't ask, don't tell!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
JUST WHEN YOU NEED A HAND, THE WEASEL SHOWS HER TRUE COLORS
It seems that a lot of my posts recently are about THE WEASEL. She showed her true colors tonight.
It's Sunday night, late. My wife and I just realized that we need some personal documents notarized. No big deal. Besides being an attorney, I'm also a notary, and so I notarize documents all the time. So does THE WEASEL. We both have notarized documents for each other at work.
information anywhere?
Well, I needed a favor. It turns out that these documents can't wait until tomorrow, because they will be handed in at about 7:00 a.m. So we call THE WEASEL. We tell her our sob story. She says that she's so sorry but she can't she doesn't have her stamp.
So I remind her that she could just write the information in with a pen. It's about 10 pages. I know it's take about 15 minutes, but we really need them notarized now. So she looks all over for her information. Can't find it anywhere. Calls us a half-hour later. She again says so sorry but no.
Now I am really pissed. First of all, as a notary, you are supposed to have your notary ID card on you whenever you notarize. Next, you're trying to tell me you don't have your information somewhere else. You don't have a copy of anything you notarized in the past twenty-something years. Fucking moron.
I just went online to the state licensing website. Guess what. I found her information in two seconds flat.
Remember to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Remember that I just said that recently. Well, now it's time to keep your friends close, and your enemies far enough away that you can quickly look up their lies online and shoot them down with your information in hand.
I realize that she's not a true friend, but I still thought she would at least be there in an emergency. I guess not. True colors.
It's Sunday night, late. My wife and I just realized that we need some personal documents notarized. No big deal. Besides being an attorney, I'm also a notary, and so I notarize documents all the time. So does THE WEASEL. We both have notarized documents for each other at work.
information anywhere?
Well, I needed a favor. It turns out that these documents can't wait until tomorrow, because they will be handed in at about 7:00 a.m. So we call THE WEASEL. We tell her our sob story. She says that she's so sorry but she can't she doesn't have her stamp.
So I remind her that she could just write the information in with a pen. It's about 10 pages. I know it's take about 15 minutes, but we really need them notarized now. So she looks all over for her information. Can't find it anywhere. Calls us a half-hour later. She again says so sorry but no.
Now I am really pissed. First of all, as a notary, you are supposed to have your notary ID card on you whenever you notarize. Next, you're trying to tell me you don't have your information somewhere else. You don't have a copy of anything you notarized in the past twenty-something years. Fucking moron.
I just went online to the state licensing website. Guess what. I found her information in two seconds flat.
Remember to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Remember that I just said that recently. Well, now it's time to keep your friends close, and your enemies far enough away that you can quickly look up their lies online and shoot them down with your information in hand.
I realize that she's not a true friend, but I still thought she would at least be there in an emergency. I guess not. True colors.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
FEELING BETTER, BUT HOW MUCH BETTER CAN YOU EVER FEEL IN HELL
I thought I was better. Then I got sick again. This was a long haul. It took me about 3-4 weeks to get over it, but now I am feeling myself again. Accordingly, I will try to post more frequently. Of course, as always, I will do so on my own schedule, and I will talk about what I want. Thank you for being patient. This time, I think I have waited long enough and allowed myself to recuperate enough so that I don't just get bogged down again. We will see. Thank you for caring (if you do). If you don't care, go to HELL.
Today's post will be about THE WEASEL. She has so quickly crept back into my mind. She is such a loser. She thinks she can be your best friend all the while egging the boss on to try to get you in trouble.
I am an attorney. I worked damn hard to become an attorney. Just as I know THE WEASEL has worked damn hard to become good at her job. But, as the attorney, I do expect to get some respect. First, I've earned the respect. I've been working in HELL for more than 7 years. I've paid my dues. Second, even if you don't respect my work, you better respect me as a person. I am a good person, and I demand nothing more and expect nothing less than respect. Lastly, if you don't respect me for the good job I do, and if you don't respect me as a person, you had better listen real carefully - I AM THE ATTORNEY - YOU ARE NOT THE ATTORNEY. This is not to say that you are less important than me. I am not one of those attorneys or one of those types of people. But, I am THE ATTORNEY. When it comes to the practice of law, THE ATTORNEY is the top of the pyramid. THE WEASEL needs to learn this lessen and learn it fast.
Maybe DON BOY is in charge of the office, but without THE ATTORNEY, DON BOY has nothing. I don't mean just me. Remember, FAT GODZILLA is gonna bolt eventually. DON DADDY is not going to be around forever. I can't wait for 18 years until DON BOY decides I can take over the practice. So, what is THE WEASEL going to do? She needs THE ATTORNEY.
Maybe she will get what she deserves. So here's the plan...
I know they say you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
I also know you are supposed to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.
So, I will put out the honey, and wheel THE WEASEL in. THE WEASEL will piss me off, but I will take it for now. I want THE WEASEL to feel comfortable. I don't know yet what I will do with THE WEASEL when I get her in my trap. But once I have her, then I hold all the cards. I promise I will let you know what I decide. When I do entrap THE WEASEL, she will suffer as much as she has caused others to suffer. I want her to hurt like she hurt me, like she hurt my friends.
THE WEASEL MUST DIE!
Today's post will be about THE WEASEL. She has so quickly crept back into my mind. She is such a loser. She thinks she can be your best friend all the while egging the boss on to try to get you in trouble.
I am an attorney. I worked damn hard to become an attorney. Just as I know THE WEASEL has worked damn hard to become good at her job. But, as the attorney, I do expect to get some respect. First, I've earned the respect. I've been working in HELL for more than 7 years. I've paid my dues. Second, even if you don't respect my work, you better respect me as a person. I am a good person, and I demand nothing more and expect nothing less than respect. Lastly, if you don't respect me for the good job I do, and if you don't respect me as a person, you had better listen real carefully - I AM THE ATTORNEY - YOU ARE NOT THE ATTORNEY. This is not to say that you are less important than me. I am not one of those attorneys or one of those types of people. But, I am THE ATTORNEY. When it comes to the practice of law, THE ATTORNEY is the top of the pyramid. THE WEASEL needs to learn this lessen and learn it fast.
Maybe DON BOY is in charge of the office, but without THE ATTORNEY, DON BOY has nothing. I don't mean just me. Remember, FAT GODZILLA is gonna bolt eventually. DON DADDY is not going to be around forever. I can't wait for 18 years until DON BOY decides I can take over the practice. So, what is THE WEASEL going to do? She needs THE ATTORNEY.
Maybe she will get what she deserves. So here's the plan...
I know they say you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
I also know you are supposed to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.
So, I will put out the honey, and wheel THE WEASEL in. THE WEASEL will piss me off, but I will take it for now. I want THE WEASEL to feel comfortable. I don't know yet what I will do with THE WEASEL when I get her in my trap. But once I have her, then I hold all the cards. I promise I will let you know what I decide. When I do entrap THE WEASEL, she will suffer as much as she has caused others to suffer. I want her to hurt like she hurt me, like she hurt my friends.
THE WEASEL MUST DIE!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
WEEKEND MESSENGER
Many of my faithful readers know that while being forced into voluntary servitude in HELL, I am also in the process of trying to open my own private practice.
I am a juggler of many balls, all in the air at the same time. This proves to be difficult from time to time, simply because there are just not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Oh, and unfortunately that includes rest, sleep, releaxation, and the occasional "fun". Well, this morning I had to hire a messenger to pick up some of the slack.
You see, I am taking over a case for two clients that are dissatissfied with the way their former attorney was handling matters. In doing so, I need to pick up the file from the former attorney. The problem is, I am a one-man show. It would not look very professional for me to go in and pick up the file by myself on a Saturday. Hence, the messenger. Since I cannot afford to pay for one, my wife, JANE DOE, became the messenger. JANE thought this was hysterical. She got all dressed up in proper business attire, full make-up, hair and all. The full nine-yards.
She got the file for me (of course I was in the car waiting). Things went very smoothly. But, as always, I am going to have to hit her up for more favors. I know she will be benefitting too from my getting out on my own, but I still feel bad that I have to bother her. It's funny, because in my life, there are not many people or many things that make me "feel" anything. But JANE does. I guess the reason for this super-strange weekend post is to let people know that it is okay to rely on others (sometimes). Especially if you have a JANE DOE.
I am a juggler of many balls, all in the air at the same time. This proves to be difficult from time to time, simply because there are just not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Oh, and unfortunately that includes rest, sleep, releaxation, and the occasional "fun". Well, this morning I had to hire a messenger to pick up some of the slack.
You see, I am taking over a case for two clients that are dissatissfied with the way their former attorney was handling matters. In doing so, I need to pick up the file from the former attorney. The problem is, I am a one-man show. It would not look very professional for me to go in and pick up the file by myself on a Saturday. Hence, the messenger. Since I cannot afford to pay for one, my wife, JANE DOE, became the messenger. JANE thought this was hysterical. She got all dressed up in proper business attire, full make-up, hair and all. The full nine-yards.
She got the file for me (of course I was in the car waiting). Things went very smoothly. But, as always, I am going to have to hit her up for more favors. I know she will be benefitting too from my getting out on my own, but I still feel bad that I have to bother her. It's funny, because in my life, there are not many people or many things that make me "feel" anything. But JANE does. I guess the reason for this super-strange weekend post is to let people know that it is okay to rely on others (sometimes). Especially if you have a JANE DOE.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
THE WEASEL STRIKES BACK, LARGE AND IN CHARGE PART DEUX, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT...
For tonight's post, we have an homage to sequels (two bad, and one really good).
THE WEASEL STRIKES BACK: Aside from the obvious reference to Star Wars, THE WEASEL is in many ways like Darth Vader. THE WEASEL is a master of "the force". In HELL, the force is what is known as "information". Today, THE WEASEL proved herself to be the rodent we all knew and expected.
It all started yesterday. BINGO BETTY made the unfortunate choice to be honest in HELL. Big mistake, BINGO BETTY.
DON BOY is still out on vacation. BINGO BETTY has been hinting that she wants to take some time off for the summer because her son is home from school. HELL is actually very slow (quite the norm for what I hear from my friends) just like the rest of the economy. So instead of just calling in sick, BINGO BETTY asks for permission to take an unpaid day off to do some housework. She is flatly denied with the statement that "her work is never done". So, BINGO BETTY decides to call in sick today.
Normally, this wouldn't be too much of a big deal. She would just be out, nobody could really push her on the issue. They don't ask for doctor's notes (yet). So, she would just use one of her sick days.
Well, this was not good enough for THE WEASEL. When questioned about BINGO BETTY's whereabouts, THE WEASEL spilled the beans. All of the beans. She threw BINGO BETTY under the bus faster than she can yell "Bingo!"
The obvious lesson is that no matter how close you think you are, THE WEASEL's first obligation is to HELL and DON BOY. She has loyalty only to them. Friendship doesn't mean a thing to her. You are not her friend, although she will make you believe she is as close as any family member. She is the most dangerous of all types because she actually believes she is doing the right thing. *I am now accepting suggestions for methods of how to kill off THE WEASEL. She is a pest, a rodent. She must be terminated.* PLEASE REPLY BY COMMENT OR E-MAIL. I WILL POST THE WINNING SUGGESTION.
LARGE AND IN CHARGE - PART DEUX
FAT GODZILLA still is in her glory. She is in charge of everyone and everything while DON BOY is away. Today she decided to have a heart-to-heart with me and THE DOMINATRIX. She tried to play on our emotions. Trying to come closer to our hearts by tugging hard on the strings. I am not going to say what she did, other than to say that she has no clue. In life, with family, friends, clients, professionally, unprofessionally. She is completely clueless. THE DOMINATRIX called her "Glinda, the good witch". I agree with the sentiment, accept I would change the name to "Lardo, the pscyho bitch". Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. I am really starting to consider the comment one reader posted about taking over the office. I may do so by force. Kind of like we did in Iraq. We wanted oil fields so badly, and now gas if $4.30 per gallon. Thanks a lot Dubya. Oh, and Dubya, have you met FAT GODZILLA, she thinks she's in charge too.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT... THE BRONX BOMBSHELL
Now that we've gone over the two bad sequels, it's time to talk about the one good one.
It's been about one year now since she left, but she has played such an important part in my life, and in the lives of many others in HELL (i.e. THE DOMINATRIX), I am now going to introduce the first character who does not reside in HELL any longer. May I present to you, THE BRONX BOMBSHELL (a.k.a. The One That Got Away).
Tonight, THE DOMINATRIX and I went to dinner with THE BRONX BOMBSHELL. What a treat and a delight! We had so much fun. At one point, we were all crying so hard and laughing out loud, I though the waiter was going to ask us to leave. It was so nice to reminisce with someone who has escaped. It gave us hope. It made us realize that we are not stuck in these situations. We do choose them for our own very personal reasons. But we are not forced to be there. We can leave. We will leave.
We shared stories about our families. We told her all about HELL, and how it is worse than ever. She told us about her new found happiness living in THE BRONX of all places. Why anyone would ever want to live there, I'll never know. At least she doesn't have to commute.
We told her about how we are dying inside with every breath in HELL. She told us to use these feelings to overpower the masses. She inspired me to destroy HELL. She told us about how she too used to fantasize about DON BOY's death. Her imagination is quite impressive. At least I hope it is her imagination?!?
Mostly, it was really great to spend time with my friends. There aren't many people I consider my friends. I have no attorney friends in HELL. Isn't that an oxymoron?
I miss THE BRONX BOMBSHELL, but hopefully now I will get to see her more often. I know THE DOMINATRIX feels the same. I know many of you may be asking if I am a pimp. Yes, I have THE BRONX BOMBSHELL and THE DOMINATRIX. But they do not work for me. They work with me. They are my friends. Until I kill them in their sleep. Not really. Or maybe really. Is this fact or is this fiction?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "Remember those people you see on your way up. You won't see them on the way down if you step on them hard enough. " -John Doe, Esq.
THE WEASEL STRIKES BACK: Aside from the obvious reference to Star Wars, THE WEASEL is in many ways like Darth Vader. THE WEASEL is a master of "the force". In HELL, the force is what is known as "information". Today, THE WEASEL proved herself to be the rodent we all knew and expected.
It all started yesterday. BINGO BETTY made the unfortunate choice to be honest in HELL. Big mistake, BINGO BETTY.
DON BOY is still out on vacation. BINGO BETTY has been hinting that she wants to take some time off for the summer because her son is home from school. HELL is actually very slow (quite the norm for what I hear from my friends) just like the rest of the economy. So instead of just calling in sick, BINGO BETTY asks for permission to take an unpaid day off to do some housework. She is flatly denied with the statement that "her work is never done". So, BINGO BETTY decides to call in sick today.
Normally, this wouldn't be too much of a big deal. She would just be out, nobody could really push her on the issue. They don't ask for doctor's notes (yet). So, she would just use one of her sick days.
Well, this was not good enough for THE WEASEL. When questioned about BINGO BETTY's whereabouts, THE WEASEL spilled the beans. All of the beans. She threw BINGO BETTY under the bus faster than she can yell "Bingo!"
The obvious lesson is that no matter how close you think you are, THE WEASEL's first obligation is to HELL and DON BOY. She has loyalty only to them. Friendship doesn't mean a thing to her. You are not her friend, although she will make you believe she is as close as any family member. She is the most dangerous of all types because she actually believes she is doing the right thing. *I am now accepting suggestions for methods of how to kill off THE WEASEL. She is a pest, a rodent. She must be terminated.* PLEASE REPLY BY COMMENT OR E-MAIL. I WILL POST THE WINNING SUGGESTION.
LARGE AND IN CHARGE - PART DEUX
FAT GODZILLA still is in her glory. She is in charge of everyone and everything while DON BOY is away. Today she decided to have a heart-to-heart with me and THE DOMINATRIX. She tried to play on our emotions. Trying to come closer to our hearts by tugging hard on the strings. I am not going to say what she did, other than to say that she has no clue. In life, with family, friends, clients, professionally, unprofessionally. She is completely clueless. THE DOMINATRIX called her "Glinda, the good witch". I agree with the sentiment, accept I would change the name to "Lardo, the pscyho bitch". Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. I am really starting to consider the comment one reader posted about taking over the office. I may do so by force. Kind of like we did in Iraq. We wanted oil fields so badly, and now gas if $4.30 per gallon. Thanks a lot Dubya. Oh, and Dubya, have you met FAT GODZILLA, she thinks she's in charge too.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT... THE BRONX BOMBSHELL
Now that we've gone over the two bad sequels, it's time to talk about the one good one.
It's been about one year now since she left, but she has played such an important part in my life, and in the lives of many others in HELL (i.e. THE DOMINATRIX), I am now going to introduce the first character who does not reside in HELL any longer. May I present to you, THE BRONX BOMBSHELL (a.k.a. The One That Got Away).
Tonight, THE DOMINATRIX and I went to dinner with THE BRONX BOMBSHELL. What a treat and a delight! We had so much fun. At one point, we were all crying so hard and laughing out loud, I though the waiter was going to ask us to leave. It was so nice to reminisce with someone who has escaped. It gave us hope. It made us realize that we are not stuck in these situations. We do choose them for our own very personal reasons. But we are not forced to be there. We can leave. We will leave.
We shared stories about our families. We told her all about HELL, and how it is worse than ever. She told us about her new found happiness living in THE BRONX of all places. Why anyone would ever want to live there, I'll never know. At least she doesn't have to commute.
We told her about how we are dying inside with every breath in HELL. She told us to use these feelings to overpower the masses. She inspired me to destroy HELL. She told us about how she too used to fantasize about DON BOY's death. Her imagination is quite impressive. At least I hope it is her imagination?!?
Mostly, it was really great to spend time with my friends. There aren't many people I consider my friends. I have no attorney friends in HELL. Isn't that an oxymoron?
I miss THE BRONX BOMBSHELL, but hopefully now I will get to see her more often. I know THE DOMINATRIX feels the same. I know many of you may be asking if I am a pimp. Yes, I have THE BRONX BOMBSHELL and THE DOMINATRIX. But they do not work for me. They work with me. They are my friends. Until I kill them in their sleep. Not really. Or maybe really. Is this fact or is this fiction?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "Remember those people you see on your way up. You won't see them on the way down if you step on them hard enough. " -John Doe, Esq.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
LARGE AND IN CHARGE
FAT GODZILLA is technically in charge while DON BOY is out. The operative word in the last sentence is "technically". Let's say that the mice let her think she is in charge. Let me recap FAT GODZILLA's very difficulty and trying day in HELL (PARADISE for her).
1) Wake up whenever the hell she feels like it.
2) Go to work - must get there before 12:00 noon or someone might say something to DON BOY.
3) Get to work and sit in the library talking to the secretaries who are on their lunch break (I'm sure that is just what they wanted to do for their meager lunch hour).
4) Leave the office at 1:30 for "Lunch".
5) Come back to work at 3:00 asking some ridiculous question about the banking for the day (of course everyone knows that DON BOY only trusts THE WEASEL with the banking - especially when he is not in the office.)
6) Read through magazines while sitting at her desk for an hour.
7) Going out to the secretarial pool for the rest of the day, complaining about how "ill" she is, and how "dizzy" she feels. (BINGO BETTY was flipping about this one because of how obvious the faking is. How can she drive, walk, stand, etc... if she is sick with vertigo. God damn cunt.)
8) Met with one client's husband who showed up at the end of the day without an appointment. He had to sign a contract so this lasted about 8-10 minutes.
She did also ask me a few times about what "cases" were being worked on. So I pulled out the current list of all work given to each person and she agreed with it. I don't know what it means to "agree" with a list, but that's what she did. I guess when you "agree" with lists, that's what it means to be "in charge."
Oh, and I called this post "Large and in charge" because she's fat. *Note: I am not opposed to fat people in general, but her fatness is much more than her weight, it is what blocks her from being a truly good person. Her emotional bagage, or, her extra weight is what makes her fat. And, yes, that makes her not a good person. I am not convinced that she is a bad person, but not a good person is more than halfway in the wrong direction.
1) Wake up whenever the hell she feels like it.
2) Go to work - must get there before 12:00 noon or someone might say something to DON BOY.
3) Get to work and sit in the library talking to the secretaries who are on their lunch break (I'm sure that is just what they wanted to do for their meager lunch hour).
4) Leave the office at 1:30 for "Lunch".
5) Come back to work at 3:00 asking some ridiculous question about the banking for the day (of course everyone knows that DON BOY only trusts THE WEASEL with the banking - especially when he is not in the office.)
6) Read through magazines while sitting at her desk for an hour.
7) Going out to the secretarial pool for the rest of the day, complaining about how "ill" she is, and how "dizzy" she feels. (BINGO BETTY was flipping about this one because of how obvious the faking is. How can she drive, walk, stand, etc... if she is sick with vertigo. God damn cunt.)
8) Met with one client's husband who showed up at the end of the day without an appointment. He had to sign a contract so this lasted about 8-10 minutes.
She did also ask me a few times about what "cases" were being worked on. So I pulled out the current list of all work given to each person and she agreed with it. I don't know what it means to "agree" with a list, but that's what she did. I guess when you "agree" with lists, that's what it means to be "in charge."
Oh, and I called this post "Large and in charge" because she's fat. *Note: I am not opposed to fat people in general, but her fatness is much more than her weight, it is what blocks her from being a truly good person. Her emotional bagage, or, her extra weight is what makes her fat. And, yes, that makes her not a good person. I am not convinced that she is a bad person, but not a good person is more than halfway in the wrong direction.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
THE WHINER
Oh yeah, I added an e-mail address for those of you so inclined. I intend to answer all e-mails if and when I feel like it. Now, onto THE WHINER...
We have a client at the office, THE WHINER. She is an older lady who was somewhat injured in a MVA about a year ago. Well, somewhere between the accident and today, she has turned into THE WHINER. Many attorneys are used to dealing with THE WHINER. THE WHINER is really the name of many clients who are determined to be the squeaky wheel for everything. The problem arises when you realize that you created this monster.
I personally remember THE WHINER before the accident. She was a nice older lady, that occasionally did some work for DON DAD's wife, DON MOM. Remind me to tell you about DON MOM in the future, for she is a post all unto herself. Anyway, THE WHINER was anything but. She was a calm, gentile older woman, who worked hard her whole life. Then came the tragedy of an accident. The tragedy is not that she actually had an accident, but that she got somehow sucked up into her new job, as a professional personal injury plaintiff. I've touched upon the PRO before, but THE WHINER is a special kind of PRO, so I should delve further.
A PRO client (like THE WHINER) has made a job of being a plaintiff in a personal injury lawsuit. Everything revolves around the case. In the matter of THE WHINER, even the way she expresses herself is involved with the case. THE WHINER has developed this habit of whiiiiiining and cryyyyyyying every time she is poked or prodded. She complains like a yenta. She surrounds herself with family and friends that support her in her latest endeavour. She complains about the weather. About her back, neck, head, thinking, sleeping, everything.
Just like all other PRO's, THE WHINER is an expert at trying to make a buck from a fuck. THE WHINER has no quarms about complaining that she can't do anything, but then let's it slip that she is driving all over town. THE WHINER complains that she is putting her family out, but then continues to do so.
The main function of a PRO is to make money. Turn a trick, make more money. That's it.
The main function of THE WHINER is to make money by whining. Turn a trick while whining, make lots more money. That's it.
The main function of a Hooker is to make money. Turn a trick, make money. Are we seeing a pattern here?
Not that I am opposed to prostitution, or being a PRO, or even being THE WHINER. I do take issue when you don't know enough to stop being a PRO or THE WHINER when you are in my presence.
I know the ropes. I've been around the block plenty of times. INSERT CLICHE HERE. My staff and I just don't want to hear it all the time. In fact, we don't want to hear it ever. You are only pissing us off. We hear every client, every day. They cry, whine, whimper, beg, cry some more. Realize that when you do that to us, you make us suffer. You make us suffer, and since we are mostly just PEONS in HELL, we get the same buck no matter what you do. You get more flies with honey, that's for sure.
Unless you're the SMART OLD HAG, then you just get up another 10,000 times and grab a chip. Then you get more flies with potato chips and cigarettes.
ATTENTION ALL "PRO" and "WHINER" CLIENTS - Bitch and moan all you like, but I promise, there will be consequences. Although, I as an attorney may have taken an "oath" and am governed by a code of ethics/professionalism, sometimes things happen. Especially with swarthy legal secretaries and paralegals gunning for you. Files disappear, papers get "accidentally" shredded, lost, and destroyed. Appointments are mistakenly removed from the calendar. Your court fees are not included. Be ready your PROS & WHINERS. You have only yourself to blame.
We have a client at the office, THE WHINER. She is an older lady who was somewhat injured in a MVA about a year ago. Well, somewhere between the accident and today, she has turned into THE WHINER. Many attorneys are used to dealing with THE WHINER. THE WHINER is really the name of many clients who are determined to be the squeaky wheel for everything. The problem arises when you realize that you created this monster.
I personally remember THE WHINER before the accident. She was a nice older lady, that occasionally did some work for DON DAD's wife, DON MOM. Remind me to tell you about DON MOM in the future, for she is a post all unto herself. Anyway, THE WHINER was anything but. She was a calm, gentile older woman, who worked hard her whole life. Then came the tragedy of an accident. The tragedy is not that she actually had an accident, but that she got somehow sucked up into her new job, as a professional personal injury plaintiff. I've touched upon the PRO before, but THE WHINER is a special kind of PRO, so I should delve further.
A PRO client (like THE WHINER) has made a job of being a plaintiff in a personal injury lawsuit. Everything revolves around the case. In the matter of THE WHINER, even the way she expresses herself is involved with the case. THE WHINER has developed this habit of whiiiiiining and cryyyyyyying every time she is poked or prodded. She complains like a yenta. She surrounds herself with family and friends that support her in her latest endeavour. She complains about the weather. About her back, neck, head, thinking, sleeping, everything.
Just like all other PRO's, THE WHINER is an expert at trying to make a buck from a fuck. THE WHINER has no quarms about complaining that she can't do anything, but then let's it slip that she is driving all over town. THE WHINER complains that she is putting her family out, but then continues to do so.
The main function of a PRO is to make money. Turn a trick, make more money. That's it.
The main function of THE WHINER is to make money by whining. Turn a trick while whining, make lots more money. That's it.
The main function of a Hooker is to make money. Turn a trick, make money. Are we seeing a pattern here?
Not that I am opposed to prostitution, or being a PRO, or even being THE WHINER. I do take issue when you don't know enough to stop being a PRO or THE WHINER when you are in my presence.
I know the ropes. I've been around the block plenty of times. INSERT CLICHE HERE. My staff and I just don't want to hear it all the time. In fact, we don't want to hear it ever. You are only pissing us off. We hear every client, every day. They cry, whine, whimper, beg, cry some more. Realize that when you do that to us, you make us suffer. You make us suffer, and since we are mostly just PEONS in HELL, we get the same buck no matter what you do. You get more flies with honey, that's for sure.
Unless you're the SMART OLD HAG, then you just get up another 10,000 times and grab a chip. Then you get more flies with potato chips and cigarettes.
ATTENTION ALL "PRO" and "WHINER" CLIENTS - Bitch and moan all you like, but I promise, there will be consequences. Although, I as an attorney may have taken an "oath" and am governed by a code of ethics/professionalism, sometimes things happen. Especially with swarthy legal secretaries and paralegals gunning for you. Files disappear, papers get "accidentally" shredded, lost, and destroyed. Appointments are mistakenly removed from the calendar. Your court fees are not included. Be ready your PROS & WHINERS. You have only yourself to blame.
Monday, July 7, 2008
WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY...
I know it has been a while since my last post, but I won't apologize. I will write what I want, when I want. You will read this, or won't, but it is my blog, to write as I desire. That being said, I do appreciate the concern. I am even considering posting an e-mail address for private comments (for those of you that have not yet commented publicly) and to continue the exchange of ideas.
Now back to HELL...
DON BOY is away on vacation this week. Although he is never truly away, because I believe even while he is on vacation he has the phone connected to his head and calls the office once every ten minutes.
Since DON BOY is away, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be in charge. Well, she called in sick. Or, she said she was "dizzy". I guess being "dizzy" means you don't have to work. BINGO BETTY called in sick, sounding like she had THE DOMINATRIX's cold. But THE DOMINATRIX showed up for work.
Mini-drama today was that FAT GODZILLA called THE DOMINATRIX's house because she was 5 minutes and 37 seconds late today. She should be ashamed of herself, I know. Getting caught in traffic, or stopping for coffee. Definite grounds for punishment. At least she's not in Texas, or she'd be dead already. THE DOMINATRIX was rightfully pissed, and told FAT GODZILLA to fuck herself like the fat skank that she is. FAT GODZILLA proceeded to do just that.
Of course, I had the pleasure of telling DON BOY that FAT GODZILLA was not coming in today. She was too scared to call him herself, so she asked me to do it for her. She's the fucking attorney and she's scared of what her little brother might say. I find this very amusing, and thoroughly enjoyed hearing DON BOY squirm while trying to figure out what he was going to do. He's on vacation. She's sick. No one from THE FAMILY is available to watch the mice.
HELL was a lot cooler today than usual. No phones. No screaming. No thoughts in my head of stabbing people with a dull knife. At least not until the SMART OLD HAG cornered me for, no joke, 2-3 hours (all spread out throughout the day). I could not get work done, not because I didn't have any, but because SMART OLD HAG wanted to bull shit all day.
Normally I don't mind the chit-chat, but just for a few minutes, to break up the routine of the day. I typically like to get my work done, and then talk. She wanted to know everything about my law school life, my career up until working in HELL. She even shared all her personal information. I've had enough of SMART OLD HAG. Thank God THE WEASEL went and bought a bag of Potato Chips. At least then I was left alone for one of her 74,321 trips to the chip bag. I still don't understand why she just doesn't put a bunch on a paper plate and be done with it. She's not fooling anybody!
I don't really know what THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS did today. She declared to the entire office that she was done with her work. That is her "code" for saying that she won't be in tomorrow. I guess their is a new client that I don't know about.
So, on occasion the mice do play. So what. We need to play every once in a while. All of our work still got done, and we even got to breathe a little. I know "happy thoughts" are not usually the tone of this blog, but hey, even I have to have an off day every once in a while.
Now back to HELL...
DON BOY is away on vacation this week. Although he is never truly away, because I believe even while he is on vacation he has the phone connected to his head and calls the office once every ten minutes.
Since DON BOY is away, FAT GODZILLA is supposed to be in charge. Well, she called in sick. Or, she said she was "dizzy". I guess being "dizzy" means you don't have to work. BINGO BETTY called in sick, sounding like she had THE DOMINATRIX's cold. But THE DOMINATRIX showed up for work.
Mini-drama today was that FAT GODZILLA called THE DOMINATRIX's house because she was 5 minutes and 37 seconds late today. She should be ashamed of herself, I know. Getting caught in traffic, or stopping for coffee. Definite grounds for punishment. At least she's not in Texas, or she'd be dead already. THE DOMINATRIX was rightfully pissed, and told FAT GODZILLA to fuck herself like the fat skank that she is. FAT GODZILLA proceeded to do just that.
Of course, I had the pleasure of telling DON BOY that FAT GODZILLA was not coming in today. She was too scared to call him herself, so she asked me to do it for her. She's the fucking attorney and she's scared of what her little brother might say. I find this very amusing, and thoroughly enjoyed hearing DON BOY squirm while trying to figure out what he was going to do. He's on vacation. She's sick. No one from THE FAMILY is available to watch the mice.
HELL was a lot cooler today than usual. No phones. No screaming. No thoughts in my head of stabbing people with a dull knife. At least not until the SMART OLD HAG cornered me for, no joke, 2-3 hours (all spread out throughout the day). I could not get work done, not because I didn't have any, but because SMART OLD HAG wanted to bull shit all day.
Normally I don't mind the chit-chat, but just for a few minutes, to break up the routine of the day. I typically like to get my work done, and then talk. She wanted to know everything about my law school life, my career up until working in HELL. She even shared all her personal information. I've had enough of SMART OLD HAG. Thank God THE WEASEL went and bought a bag of Potato Chips. At least then I was left alone for one of her 74,321 trips to the chip bag. I still don't understand why she just doesn't put a bunch on a paper plate and be done with it. She's not fooling anybody!
I don't really know what THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS did today. She declared to the entire office that she was done with her work. That is her "code" for saying that she won't be in tomorrow. I guess their is a new client that I don't know about.
So, on occasion the mice do play. So what. We need to play every once in a while. All of our work still got done, and we even got to breathe a little. I know "happy thoughts" are not usually the tone of this blog, but hey, even I have to have an off day every once in a while.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
WHAT TO DO WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO DO
In most other offices, you have the Internet, E-mail, Colleagues, or even Solitaire. In HELL we have to become a little more creative.
We all have our ways. I know the smokers take extra-long breaks. THE DOMINATRIX does her bills when she thinks no one else is looking. BINGO BETTY does work on her side business (guess what it has to do with?!?) THE INFANT picks his nose. FAT GODZILLA hides in the bathroom, closes her door pretending to have clients and reads magazines. DON-BOY just goes online - of course he has Internet and e-mail. But no one knows what I do.
Of course, they all think they know what I am doing because I have made it fairly obvious that I have an "I-phone". I used to have a Blackberry, but my I-phone is just so much better. So everyone thinks that when I need a break I go on my I-phone, do e-mails, Internet, the works. I do some of it, just to keep the ruse afloat. I even have this trick that when I hear people coming (my office is in the back, well secluded from the rest of the peons), I quick reach for my desk drawer and move it around. Most people usually give that knowing smile, or a quick "wink". It is also easy to do because I eat breakfast and my chocolate snacks out of that drawer. However, I must admit that most of the time I am doing something else.
My plan is simple - get the biggest reaction. I like to stir the pot. I like to cause trouble when nothing is going on. Plain and simple. I am a troublemaker, and I am damn good at it.
For instance, I do little things that I know will annoy other people. I know FAT GODZILLA likes to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. She had that plastic band put around her stomach in her futile effort to lose a couple thousand pounds. Well, I know she likes to read in the bathroom. I also know that she is a "pack rat" and a slob. She can never put things away. I also know that FAT GODZILLA's slovenliness and pack rat qualities drive THE DOMINATRIX crazy. She goes over the edge. So here's what I do...
Every time after FAT GODZILLA uses "our bathroom", the one everyone else uses, I make sure to go in there within the next 15-20 minutes after her. Of course I am not gross, nor am I a pervert. But what I do is I make sure to bring in something. A newspaper. A magazine, Anything, it doesn't matter what. So, I take something and shove it under the sink. It is hilarious. Especially because one of the doors under the sink doesn't close all the way. So there is this huge mess, and I know that THE DOMINATRIX must be going bonkers. I just found out yesterday that THE DOMINATRIX totally blames FAT GODZILLA for this mess. It is fantastic. A delightful little bit of fun that never hurt anyone.
I do this frequently, and the goal is to get bigger and better, all the while never getting caught. My problem is, I have been wanting to get really big. I am looking to pull off the "prank-of-all-pranks". I have been given some suggestions by you guys out there. One person suggested pulling off a total control maneuver -where I would take control of the office, using FAT GODZILLA as a puppet. Not a bad idea. But I don't really want control of HELL. I want control of the entire world. Besides, I need something to do when I am bored, but eventually I will be leaving HELL. I cannot consider taking it over. But I am definitely open to suggestions.
Please let me know what pranks you think I should do. I will post the best one, and of course, I will try it out and let you know how it works. HELL hath no fury like a bored attorney.
We all have our ways. I know the smokers take extra-long breaks. THE DOMINATRIX does her bills when she thinks no one else is looking. BINGO BETTY does work on her side business (guess what it has to do with?!?) THE INFANT picks his nose. FAT GODZILLA hides in the bathroom, closes her door pretending to have clients and reads magazines. DON-BOY just goes online - of course he has Internet and e-mail. But no one knows what I do.
Of course, they all think they know what I am doing because I have made it fairly obvious that I have an "I-phone". I used to have a Blackberry, but my I-phone is just so much better. So everyone thinks that when I need a break I go on my I-phone, do e-mails, Internet, the works. I do some of it, just to keep the ruse afloat. I even have this trick that when I hear people coming (my office is in the back, well secluded from the rest of the peons), I quick reach for my desk drawer and move it around. Most people usually give that knowing smile, or a quick "wink". It is also easy to do because I eat breakfast and my chocolate snacks out of that drawer. However, I must admit that most of the time I am doing something else.
My plan is simple - get the biggest reaction. I like to stir the pot. I like to cause trouble when nothing is going on. Plain and simple. I am a troublemaker, and I am damn good at it.
For instance, I do little things that I know will annoy other people. I know FAT GODZILLA likes to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. She had that plastic band put around her stomach in her futile effort to lose a couple thousand pounds. Well, I know she likes to read in the bathroom. I also know that she is a "pack rat" and a slob. She can never put things away. I also know that FAT GODZILLA's slovenliness and pack rat qualities drive THE DOMINATRIX crazy. She goes over the edge. So here's what I do...
Every time after FAT GODZILLA uses "our bathroom", the one everyone else uses, I make sure to go in there within the next 15-20 minutes after her. Of course I am not gross, nor am I a pervert. But what I do is I make sure to bring in something. A newspaper. A magazine, Anything, it doesn't matter what. So, I take something and shove it under the sink. It is hilarious. Especially because one of the doors under the sink doesn't close all the way. So there is this huge mess, and I know that THE DOMINATRIX must be going bonkers. I just found out yesterday that THE DOMINATRIX totally blames FAT GODZILLA for this mess. It is fantastic. A delightful little bit of fun that never hurt anyone.
I do this frequently, and the goal is to get bigger and better, all the while never getting caught. My problem is, I have been wanting to get really big. I am looking to pull off the "prank-of-all-pranks". I have been given some suggestions by you guys out there. One person suggested pulling off a total control maneuver -where I would take control of the office, using FAT GODZILLA as a puppet. Not a bad idea. But I don't really want control of HELL. I want control of the entire world. Besides, I need something to do when I am bored, but eventually I will be leaving HELL. I cannot consider taking it over. But I am definitely open to suggestions.
Please let me know what pranks you think I should do. I will post the best one, and of course, I will try it out and let you know how it works. HELL hath no fury like a bored attorney.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
POTATO CHIPS & CIGARETTES
PET PEEVE ALERT: I really do not appreciate the amount of cigarette breaks certain people take.
I am not a smoker. I do not like when people smoke. It is a filthy, disgusting habit. That being said, I understand the addiction to nicotine, blah blah blah, so I guess it is okay that cigarette smokers take a break.
I also get that people are going to want to get up and snack throughout the day. A chip here and there never hurt anyone.
My beef is simple. Why is it fair that people get their smokes and their chips, and I get jack squatt? It is not fair. SMART OLD HAG can't go five minutes without a cigarette break and she can't go 2 seconds without a chip. Why the fuck am I working and working and all they are doing is smoking and eating chips. BINGO BETTY smokes, and I barely ever notice her smoking. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS SMOKES, and although she is never around when we need her for weeks at a time, when she is there, she usually is pretty quick. Even THE WEASEL smokes, and it is not too bad. But SMART OLD HAG just abuses the privilege. THE DOMINATRIX and I were discussing it today.
The more I think about it now, the more mad I am getting. If you add up all the time they smoke and stand around the bag of community chips, they must be getting weeks of extra vacation time. I really think this needs to be addressed. But of course if I say something, then I am the prick. Maybe I will convince THE DOMINATRIX to say something. Yeah, she's so easy, I could convince her to do anything.
There is one sticking point - FAT GODZILLA. She is always in her "lying" cloak, and pretends not to eat. But she runs a close second to SMART OLD HAG when it comes to eating chips. Maybe I can get THE INFANT to stop putting his finger up his nose for a second and to join me in my drive to get equal time off. I am perfectly willing to skip chips and smoke breaks for another week's vacation. Maybe this needs to get filed in my "secrets" file. Soon the "secrets" file will be bursting at the seams.
I am not a smoker. I do not like when people smoke. It is a filthy, disgusting habit. That being said, I understand the addiction to nicotine, blah blah blah, so I guess it is okay that cigarette smokers take a break.
I also get that people are going to want to get up and snack throughout the day. A chip here and there never hurt anyone.
My beef is simple. Why is it fair that people get their smokes and their chips, and I get jack squatt? It is not fair. SMART OLD HAG can't go five minutes without a cigarette break and she can't go 2 seconds without a chip. Why the fuck am I working and working and all they are doing is smoking and eating chips. BINGO BETTY smokes, and I barely ever notice her smoking. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS SMOKES, and although she is never around when we need her for weeks at a time, when she is there, she usually is pretty quick. Even THE WEASEL smokes, and it is not too bad. But SMART OLD HAG just abuses the privilege. THE DOMINATRIX and I were discussing it today.
The more I think about it now, the more mad I am getting. If you add up all the time they smoke and stand around the bag of community chips, they must be getting weeks of extra vacation time. I really think this needs to be addressed. But of course if I say something, then I am the prick. Maybe I will convince THE DOMINATRIX to say something. Yeah, she's so easy, I could convince her to do anything.
There is one sticking point - FAT GODZILLA. She is always in her "lying" cloak, and pretends not to eat. But she runs a close second to SMART OLD HAG when it comes to eating chips. Maybe I can get THE INFANT to stop putting his finger up his nose for a second and to join me in my drive to get equal time off. I am perfectly willing to skip chips and smoke breaks for another week's vacation. Maybe this needs to get filed in my "secrets" file. Soon the "secrets" file will be bursting at the seams.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
THE LIAR
In this instance, I happen to be talking about a client. THE LIAR is a generic name for many clients in HELL. As I've told you before it is the mantra of many clients. They just don't want to tell us the truth.
Today, I had a five-hour deposition in a simple motor vehicle accident case. This is extremely long for such a simple deposition. All parties should have been done within 1-2 hours. Not today. Why, you may ask. Simple. THE LIAR.
THE LIAR comes in many forms. She is a wonderful player of the system. Today, THE LIAR is 60 years old. Old enough to know how to work the system. She is the kind of woman that goes out of her way to be very friendly to you, but only so long as she thinks that it is benefiting her.
From the very first day when THE LIAR came to HELL, she was pegged. BINGO BETTY (named for her uncontrollable urge to play bingo - actually it's all gambling, but that's another story), and THE DOMINATRIX (named for her ability to control all mail, mortgage-payments, general-practice clients, FAT GODZILLA, and most importantly, me) both realized right from the beginning that this client was THE LIAR. They told me on many occasions that we had to watch out for THE LIAR. Unfortunately, being that I have absolutely no real power in HELL, I basically passed this piece of advise on and was nicely told to ignore it.
Of course, THE LIAR is good at what she does. Therefore there is no real "proof" that she lies. But, the deposition today sealed the deal for me.
I generally pride myself on being a good judge of character. In my field, this is a quality that you need, not because it really matters if they are telling the truth (clients, bosses, other lawyers, etc... usually never are), but because it gives you an edge. Every edge is helpful because ultimately it could mean another dollar in your pocket. This is always about the money. Although it is nice to help people, I am past that juvenile phase in my career. I was an idealist for a long time, and guess what. You can't afford to be an idealist. Doesn't pay the bills.
So, the deposition went on and on. THE LIAR cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. She didn't really have a purpose to her tears. She would cry when it was time to talk about the accident. Okay, probably legitimate.
She would cry when talking about her injuries and how severely limited they make her. Okay, I get that too.
She would also cry when talking about her treatment. She cried about her doctors. She cried about her therapy. She cried about her emotional pain. All her trauma. All the drama. She cried, cried, cried. Very over the top, but I still did my best to look the part of an earnest lawyer, being the zealous advocate that both the law and my oath require.
But, the straw that broke the camel's back: When she cried because she couldn't spell her doctor's name. Now, I know what you are thinking. Maybe she had some cognitive issues. No, she corrected the way I had spelled the doctor's name on the record, and then cried.
These tears were all of the crocodile variety. Now I'm just pissed. It's one thing for a deposition to last 4 or 5 hours when someone is really injured. It's quite another when my time is being wasted. I know I am in HELL and my time is wasted daily. But this was a simple matter of pride. Basically, you fuck me, and I will fuck you back twice as hard. I haven't decided what THE LIAR will get in return for her performance, but I am open to suggestions.
Another tool in THE LIAR's arsenal.
She lies through tears,
She lies through fears,
She lies when she cries,
She lies as she dies,
I wish she would die.
Now I turn for a moment away from THE LIAR to another liar. FAT GODZILLA. I usually give her as much support as I can muster. But I am just fed up. Today, she spent the day screaming around the office "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY". Like a god damn chicken with it's head cut off. She has nothing better to do. She goes around pretending to be important. Pretending like she has something to say, something to do. All in all, she's probably even more of a liar than THE LIAR. At least THE LIAR has a purpose, a goal. Maybe it is mischievous, maybe it is shady, but at least she has a purpose. FAT GODZILLA truly has no purpose. That is the saddest part of all. I guess I shouldn't get so pissed at her, how sad it must be to be her. I truly pity her. Although I wouldn't mind stabbing her in the eye with a pencil either.
JOKE OF THE DAY THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A MILLION TIMES BEFORE: How do you know when a LAWYER is LYING? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING.
Today, I had a five-hour deposition in a simple motor vehicle accident case. This is extremely long for such a simple deposition. All parties should have been done within 1-2 hours. Not today. Why, you may ask. Simple. THE LIAR.
THE LIAR comes in many forms. She is a wonderful player of the system. Today, THE LIAR is 60 years old. Old enough to know how to work the system. She is the kind of woman that goes out of her way to be very friendly to you, but only so long as she thinks that it is benefiting her.
From the very first day when THE LIAR came to HELL, she was pegged. BINGO BETTY (named for her uncontrollable urge to play bingo - actually it's all gambling, but that's another story), and THE DOMINATRIX (named for her ability to control all mail, mortgage-payments, general-practice clients, FAT GODZILLA, and most importantly, me) both realized right from the beginning that this client was THE LIAR. They told me on many occasions that we had to watch out for THE LIAR. Unfortunately, being that I have absolutely no real power in HELL, I basically passed this piece of advise on and was nicely told to ignore it.
Of course, THE LIAR is good at what she does. Therefore there is no real "proof" that she lies. But, the deposition today sealed the deal for me.
I generally pride myself on being a good judge of character. In my field, this is a quality that you need, not because it really matters if they are telling the truth (clients, bosses, other lawyers, etc... usually never are), but because it gives you an edge. Every edge is helpful because ultimately it could mean another dollar in your pocket. This is always about the money. Although it is nice to help people, I am past that juvenile phase in my career. I was an idealist for a long time, and guess what. You can't afford to be an idealist. Doesn't pay the bills.
So, the deposition went on and on. THE LIAR cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. She didn't really have a purpose to her tears. She would cry when it was time to talk about the accident. Okay, probably legitimate.
She would cry when talking about her injuries and how severely limited they make her. Okay, I get that too.
She would also cry when talking about her treatment. She cried about her doctors. She cried about her therapy. She cried about her emotional pain. All her trauma. All the drama. She cried, cried, cried. Very over the top, but I still did my best to look the part of an earnest lawyer, being the zealous advocate that both the law and my oath require.
But, the straw that broke the camel's back: When she cried because she couldn't spell her doctor's name. Now, I know what you are thinking. Maybe she had some cognitive issues. No, she corrected the way I had spelled the doctor's name on the record, and then cried.
These tears were all of the crocodile variety. Now I'm just pissed. It's one thing for a deposition to last 4 or 5 hours when someone is really injured. It's quite another when my time is being wasted. I know I am in HELL and my time is wasted daily. But this was a simple matter of pride. Basically, you fuck me, and I will fuck you back twice as hard. I haven't decided what THE LIAR will get in return for her performance, but I am open to suggestions.
Another tool in THE LIAR's arsenal.
She lies through tears,
She lies through fears,
She lies when she cries,
She lies as she dies,
I wish she would die.
Now I turn for a moment away from THE LIAR to another liar. FAT GODZILLA. I usually give her as much support as I can muster. But I am just fed up. Today, she spent the day screaming around the office "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY". Like a god damn chicken with it's head cut off. She has nothing better to do. She goes around pretending to be important. Pretending like she has something to say, something to do. All in all, she's probably even more of a liar than THE LIAR. At least THE LIAR has a purpose, a goal. Maybe it is mischievous, maybe it is shady, but at least she has a purpose. FAT GODZILLA truly has no purpose. That is the saddest part of all. I guess I shouldn't get so pissed at her, how sad it must be to be her. I truly pity her. Although I wouldn't mind stabbing her in the eye with a pencil either.
JOKE OF THE DAY THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A MILLION TIMES BEFORE: How do you know when a LAWYER is LYING? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING.
Monday, June 23, 2008
WHAT DOES THE WEASEL DO?
THE WEASEL is a paralegal/legal secretary. She has been at the office for 20 years. So how come now that she is on vacation this week, nothing is really any different. Sure, she left us a memo with a list of clients to call and EBTs to confirm, but we would have known to do that by simply reading the calendar. So what exactly is it that THE WEASEL does.
Well, we all know that she is DON-BOY's sidekick. She is his #1 yes-man! Her nose is so far up his ass on a daily basis that it looks like he's growing a WEASEL from his nether-regions. Gross.
After discussing the matter at length with a few of my colleagues, we have decided that THE WEASEL's sole contribution to the office is that she buys the potato chips on a daily basis. Well, that's important!
I know she is smart. In fact THE WEASEL is very intelligent. It's not that she can't do the work. It's that DON-BOY has her do all of his personal errands, pay his bills, wax his balls, and so on. I think at some point she might get tired of being his day-bitch. At least his wife gets to sit home all day and do nothing. But, I don't want to know what she has to do at night. But why THE WEASEL has allowed herself to fall into the position of peon-snitch-day-bitch, I just can't grasp.
I know she needs the feeling of power. She craves that. But, how much power does someone have making sure your MasterCard is paid on time. Yeah, she can fuck up your credit score, but she wouldn't dare. I don't think THE WEASEL has a soul. She is like a ghost. The days pass her by, and all the while, she makes no impact whatsoever. It is sad. Very, very sad.
I've told you before that I do like THE WEASEL a lot. But it is so freaking boring to be her that I find it hard to keep her close to me. I also can't trust her. This leads me to a very important topic in a small, family-run firm. Trust is everything.
At the end of the day today, FAT GODZILLA came to me, crying. She was crying because her brother, our office manager, DON-BOY berated her yet again. He thinks she is not pulling her weight (no pun intended, but it is funny as hell). I don't know why she would trust me with this. I think it is because I've been around the longest (as far as other attorneys go), and she just needed a shoulder to cry on. Frankly, I'm getting tired of her crying because she is the one that truly has the power, she is just afraid to use it. But, I do feel bad for her, because, well, like any other loser, she is pathetic at times. I guess I'm just a real soft touch.
So, the question is, why does FAT GODZILLA trust me? Why does anyone trust anyone?
I know that THE WEASEL's whole goal in life is to have DON-BOY trust her. I know that I trust a select few in HELL, and have shared with them and them alone my ambition and my taking on new clients on my own. My own practice is a great source of trust. For me, my clients, and those that I choose to share this with. But, can you ever really trust the people you work with. In HELL, the answer seems obvious, but it's not always that way.
I pick and chose whom to trust. FAT GODZILLA seems to trust everyone implicitly, without any regard. DON-BOY trusts no one at all. I don't even think he trusts himself. I've already told you how he trusts me with certain things, and THE WEASEL with others. But, he doesn't trust anyone completely.
To answer the main question of this post - What does THE WEASEL do? She spends her days and nights trying to come up with ways to gain the trust of others. Mostly DON-BOY's trust, but she tries to gain favor with everyone. Well, remember the story of Adam & Eve, you know, the two jerks in the Garden of Eden. Yeah, I read Genesis, get over it. Eve (like THE WEASEL) openly trusted the serpent (DON-BOY). And look what happened to her. She fucked it up for the rest of us. Typical fucking secretary!!
Well, we all know that she is DON-BOY's sidekick. She is his #1 yes-man! Her nose is so far up his ass on a daily basis that it looks like he's growing a WEASEL from his nether-regions. Gross.
After discussing the matter at length with a few of my colleagues, we have decided that THE WEASEL's sole contribution to the office is that she buys the potato chips on a daily basis. Well, that's important!
I know she is smart. In fact THE WEASEL is very intelligent. It's not that she can't do the work. It's that DON-BOY has her do all of his personal errands, pay his bills, wax his balls, and so on. I think at some point she might get tired of being his day-bitch. At least his wife gets to sit home all day and do nothing. But, I don't want to know what she has to do at night. But why THE WEASEL has allowed herself to fall into the position of peon-snitch-day-bitch, I just can't grasp.
I know she needs the feeling of power. She craves that. But, how much power does someone have making sure your MasterCard is paid on time. Yeah, she can fuck up your credit score, but she wouldn't dare. I don't think THE WEASEL has a soul. She is like a ghost. The days pass her by, and all the while, she makes no impact whatsoever. It is sad. Very, very sad.
I've told you before that I do like THE WEASEL a lot. But it is so freaking boring to be her that I find it hard to keep her close to me. I also can't trust her. This leads me to a very important topic in a small, family-run firm. Trust is everything.
At the end of the day today, FAT GODZILLA came to me, crying. She was crying because her brother, our office manager, DON-BOY berated her yet again. He thinks she is not pulling her weight (no pun intended, but it is funny as hell). I don't know why she would trust me with this. I think it is because I've been around the longest (as far as other attorneys go), and she just needed a shoulder to cry on. Frankly, I'm getting tired of her crying because she is the one that truly has the power, she is just afraid to use it. But, I do feel bad for her, because, well, like any other loser, she is pathetic at times. I guess I'm just a real soft touch.
So, the question is, why does FAT GODZILLA trust me? Why does anyone trust anyone?
I know that THE WEASEL's whole goal in life is to have DON-BOY trust her. I know that I trust a select few in HELL, and have shared with them and them alone my ambition and my taking on new clients on my own. My own practice is a great source of trust. For me, my clients, and those that I choose to share this with. But, can you ever really trust the people you work with. In HELL, the answer seems obvious, but it's not always that way.
I pick and chose whom to trust. FAT GODZILLA seems to trust everyone implicitly, without any regard. DON-BOY trusts no one at all. I don't even think he trusts himself. I've already told you how he trusts me with certain things, and THE WEASEL with others. But, he doesn't trust anyone completely.
To answer the main question of this post - What does THE WEASEL do? She spends her days and nights trying to come up with ways to gain the trust of others. Mostly DON-BOY's trust, but she tries to gain favor with everyone. Well, remember the story of Adam & Eve, you know, the two jerks in the Garden of Eden. Yeah, I read Genesis, get over it. Eve (like THE WEASEL) openly trusted the serpent (DON-BOY). And look what happened to her. She fucked it up for the rest of us. Typical fucking secretary!!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
5000 VOLTS
Quick story about 5000 VOLTS. "5V" as I like to refer to him is one of our fun clients. He was referred to me by a friend, so I was kind of obligated to take the case. What a loser (both the case and the client). 5V was severely shocked (thus the name) by some faulty electrical equipment while at work. It should have killed him. Unfortunately it didn't. He complains of memory loss, but he's a client, probably lying. I'll get more into that in a few. He is suing the company he was working for - he was an independent contractor for this company, and he is alleging negligence, defective product design, defective product manufacture, unsafe working conditions...the whole kit and kaboodle.
Well, we take the case, get into a whole bunch of litigation (basically just paperwork back and forth), and have depositions. Well at the deposition we get the "bombshell" moment. Turns out our client is an in-the-closet junkee. Heroine, crack, cocaine, crystal meth - the whole nine yards.
Please know that this should not be a surprise. Most attorneys know that their client's lie to them all the time. Even with attorney-client privilege, must people are just too embarrassed to tell the whole truth. So usually we get a truth that is skewed to reflect the client in a "favorable light." Unfortunately, when we say we need the whole truth - that is just what we mean. When a client doesn't tell us about his habit of doing lines in the bathroom, or fucking every woman that he knows, sometimes it turns around and bites us, and in turn him/herself right between the legs.
So, 5V screwed us over. We have tactics for this too. We may try to destroy the defendant's credibility. We may try to have the evidence kicked on a technicality. I am definitely not above that, and suggest technicalities wherever possible. You hire me to be a "zealous advocate". I am going to try to find every loophole. People think that "zealous" only counts for criminal attorneys, but that law is on my side. I will do everything legally in my power to get my client money. That's how I get paid. Yes, it is about the Benjamins. Sometimes it is about the client, but usually not. I work for money. I am a prostitute. I am okay with it.
In law school, I had such high ambitions. I was going to be a prosecutor. I was going to put all of the criminal trash behind bars where it belongs. That dream died with 1L orientation. Then I was going to be a corporate lawyer. I would negotiate huge business deals for mega-clients. Unfortunately, I live about two hours away from the next big city. So I would be facing a big commute. Oh and those corporate lawyers have no life. I mean "no" life. Billable hours. 2500 hours a year. Not for me. So I kind of fell into personal injury. I fell into it, but I also fell into love with it. No turning back.
Back to 5V - tomorrow I have a deposition. For those of you that are not familiar with law practice, we go to court very rarely. A deposition is usually the next best thing. I get a chance to question the other side, while they get a chance to question my client. However, tomorrow, I have to do some damage control. We already did 5V's deposition, like I said above. Plaintiff's always go first. Then we did defendant's deposition - pretty straight forward - no real help. Tomorrow, the defendant's attorneys want to question 5V's employer. The problem is, I don't know how much the employer knows. Won't talk to me. Won't talk to my investigator. 5V doesn't know, but hell he was probably on crack when he got electrocuted. That's probably how it happened anyway. So what do I do? I have a strategy. I am going to play it cool. Let the other side do their thing. I will fill in whatever gaps, and ask the questions the other side can't or won't ask. But all in all, I get to sit in a room for a few hours, and listen to how crappy my client was an employee. How often he was late. How close he came to getting fired.
Not exactly Law & Order or Boston Legal. Both the truth never is. But hey, I get paid to sit in a room and basically do nothing. And I make a lot more money than most people could ever dream. I may be a prostitute, but who's really the fool?
I'll take 1/3 every time baby.
Well, we take the case, get into a whole bunch of litigation (basically just paperwork back and forth), and have depositions. Well at the deposition we get the "bombshell" moment. Turns out our client is an in-the-closet junkee. Heroine, crack, cocaine, crystal meth - the whole nine yards.
Please know that this should not be a surprise. Most attorneys know that their client's lie to them all the time. Even with attorney-client privilege, must people are just too embarrassed to tell the whole truth. So usually we get a truth that is skewed to reflect the client in a "favorable light." Unfortunately, when we say we need the whole truth - that is just what we mean. When a client doesn't tell us about his habit of doing lines in the bathroom, or fucking every woman that he knows, sometimes it turns around and bites us, and in turn him/herself right between the legs.
So, 5V screwed us over. We have tactics for this too. We may try to destroy the defendant's credibility. We may try to have the evidence kicked on a technicality. I am definitely not above that, and suggest technicalities wherever possible. You hire me to be a "zealous advocate". I am going to try to find every loophole. People think that "zealous" only counts for criminal attorneys, but that law is on my side. I will do everything legally in my power to get my client money. That's how I get paid. Yes, it is about the Benjamins. Sometimes it is about the client, but usually not. I work for money. I am a prostitute. I am okay with it.
In law school, I had such high ambitions. I was going to be a prosecutor. I was going to put all of the criminal trash behind bars where it belongs. That dream died with 1L orientation. Then I was going to be a corporate lawyer. I would negotiate huge business deals for mega-clients. Unfortunately, I live about two hours away from the next big city. So I would be facing a big commute. Oh and those corporate lawyers have no life. I mean "no" life. Billable hours. 2500 hours a year. Not for me. So I kind of fell into personal injury. I fell into it, but I also fell into love with it. No turning back.
Back to 5V - tomorrow I have a deposition. For those of you that are not familiar with law practice, we go to court very rarely. A deposition is usually the next best thing. I get a chance to question the other side, while they get a chance to question my client. However, tomorrow, I have to do some damage control. We already did 5V's deposition, like I said above. Plaintiff's always go first. Then we did defendant's deposition - pretty straight forward - no real help. Tomorrow, the defendant's attorneys want to question 5V's employer. The problem is, I don't know how much the employer knows. Won't talk to me. Won't talk to my investigator. 5V doesn't know, but hell he was probably on crack when he got electrocuted. That's probably how it happened anyway. So what do I do? I have a strategy. I am going to play it cool. Let the other side do their thing. I will fill in whatever gaps, and ask the questions the other side can't or won't ask. But all in all, I get to sit in a room for a few hours, and listen to how crappy my client was an employee. How often he was late. How close he came to getting fired.
Not exactly Law & Order or Boston Legal. Both the truth never is. But hey, I get paid to sit in a room and basically do nothing. And I make a lot more money than most people could ever dream. I may be a prostitute, but who's really the fool?
I'll take 1/3 every time baby.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
THE MAIL MEETING
I suppose normal offices have status meetings. Others hand out mail to the appropriate party. Well, in HELL, we do things a little bit differently. Go figure.
First, you should understand that attorneys in HELL are not individually assigned to cases. How could DON-BOY control things if we each were permitted to run with our own files. No, we prefer to be counterproductive and do things as ass-backwards as possible. I think it has something to do with his lack of control due to being disabled. I know I told you he was in a car accident and in a wheelchair, but that was a "poetic license" I took, because I don't want you to know exactly what DON-BOY's disability is. I may tell you some day, but for right now, I don't think that it matters. It is not his disability that makes him a fool, it is he that does that all on his own.
So, we don't have individual cases, but rather, we work as a group. All cases are monitored by all involved. It is a group effort. In theory it sounds like it might work. You know, more eyes looking over documents means less mistakes in the final product. But it is more like the saying "too many cooks spoil the broth." Everyone gets involved, and it becomes a harried mess.
For instance, the other day I was working on another motion. Well DON-BOY decides that everyone should look at it. I say "fine" even though I think it is a waste of time. Eventually I am given multiple suggestions, and have to spend more time going through the changes, corrections, etc... Almost everything suggested was just a matter of style, and since I am always right, their drivel was useless. But I put some stuff in, just to appease the crowds. The main problem with this is that where it would have taken 2 or 3 hours, the process turned into a 2-3 day event. Waste, waste and more waste. We are very good at overkill in HELL, and DON-BOY is the best.
So, now you know how the office works. This is where the mail meeting comes into play. Instead of having a "status meeting", or just a "case review", we have a mail meeting. Now, this usually takes 30-45 minutes. All this time, the entire office essentially closes down - no other meetings, no client appointments, no lunch breaks, no telephone calls - yes we put it through to an answering machine from 1984 (the year, not the book). During this time we all sit around the conference room table and wait to be handed our mail from DON-BOY. He has to look at each piece of mail and assign it individually to each person. SMART OLD HAG, here review this motion. INFANT, pretend you are doing something other than picking your nose. JOHN DOE, get a doctor to review this. Even the secretaries are there. Of course, they get most of the mail, because a lot of it just ends up being filed. It is at this time, and pretty much only at this time, that we get to throw in the occasional comment about a case. We have to throw it at DON-BOY because he manages everything, and he really doesn't listen unless you make him.
Incidentally, I am very good at managing DON-BOY. Others are not. This is where today's mail meeting became a little more interesting.
It was nearing the end of the day, about 4:00. The secretaries leave at 5:00, and the attorneys leave at 6:00. Everything is punctual and there is no more than half an hour give-way in the time because otherwise DON-BOY can't control our bowel movements. So DON-BOY is in his usual position, quickly scanning mail, evaluating and handing out so he doesn't have to ever think about it again. He lulls himself into a false sense that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing. I put that in boldface because I thought it warranted extreme emphasis. DON-BOY is a dumbass that knows nothing. Sorry, I can't help myself. I am bold crazy tonight.
As we were about 3/4 of the way through with the mail, I was reviewing the assignments. I have the fun job of keeping track of everyone's assignments. Usually we will go over this at the end of the mail meeting, if we have time. So we were almost done with the mail when she said it. SMART OLD HAG makes one of her off the cuff comments that cuts like a warm knife through butter.
She said that in the deposition today, SMART OLD HAG stated on the record that her attorney, DON-BOY, had helped her fill out some stupid form. At first he thought it was just another barb from SMART OLD HAG. She goes at it with him on a daily basis. He is too smart to fire her, because she is really good at her job, and she is too old to leave. They are stuck with each other. But, this cut a little deeper. It wasn't the fact that someone said that DON-BOY was an attorney. Something I think he should be more worried about. I have even told him so. But he doesn't care, he doesn't have a license. It's DON-DADDY's license on the line, and maybe even FAT GODZILLA's (at least according to him). Actually, he straddles the line, and has always stayed on the right side of it. He doesn't tell people he is an attorney, he tells them he's an office manager. It's just a matter of perception. Some people perceive things in different ways. I can understand the client's view too. I meet with DON-BOY a lot, why wouldn't I think he is my attorney. Well, did you ever think to ask? DON-BOY always makes sure that there is an attorney with him when he meets with clients. The clients usually don't know that it is the INFANT that is actually licensed.
Think of it this way, when you go to a doctor's office, you don't always know who is the doctor. Do you always know if you are even seeing a doctor. Maybe it is a physician's assistant, a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a technician, a student. You don't know unless you ask. When was the last time you asked in your doctor's office? Have you ever asked? The same applies in lawyers offices.
Further, in fairness to DON-BOY, he has been doing this a long time, and knows more than almost any lawyer I know. That is not to say that I think he is right. He could be totally open and tell every single person that he is not a lawyer. But I don't see the paralegals or the secretaries doing that either. The truth is (I know I said I wouldn't use that phrase again, but I just had to), that he acts in the same capacity as an adjuster or negotiator. The lawyers do all the legal work, court appearances, motions, etc..., and he usually does the phone call with the insurance company, or the like. It works for him and for the most part, it works okay in HELL.
Now that I got sidetracked again, I believe we were at the point in the mail meeting where SMART OLD HAG said what she said. But it really wasn't what she said - we all had heard it before. A simple client error that would be corrected in the deposition transcript. It definitely wouldn't even be questioned, but we are really good with that because DON-BOY is paranoid. He knows where his bread is buttered. It wasn't even how she said it, that sarcastic tone of superiority that she uses. She is a good attorney. I am not sure that she is a good person. She has terrible manners, smokes like a chimney, and is often rude. She used to be rude to me, but I put her in her place once, and now, we have an attorney bond of sorts.
The problem was where she said it. In the middle of the mail meeting. Everyone was there. From the top banana, all the way down the food chain to the bottom. Everyone heard this. She was openly insulting her with her tone and sarcasm, using a client's words, and stabbing him all at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had to hide my face because the instant she said it I started to smile from ear to ear. I almost thought I was going to burst out laughing. I even heard THE INFANT snicker a few times. The secretaries and paralegals all remained quiet, but I saw it on their faces too. The shock. The surprise. The delight. And of course, the silence. Silence is deadly.
Had he been a real man, he would have fired her (or had his daddy do it for him). But he had no balls (no that is not his disability - although one could say it is a disability for him). After a few seconds that lasted for hours, he retorted something that it was the SMART OLD HAG's fault for not better prepping the client. His words of course were hollow, because he was in prepping the client just as much as SMART OLD HAG and even THE INFANT. How could he not be, he has to be the mastermind of everything in HELL. So even his own comeback bit him in the ass. Another thing for my "Secrets" file. DON-BOY bit himself in the ass today, and I was there to witness it. Even better, I had nothing to do with this client or her prep yesterday because I was so busy conforming everybody's corrections and changes.
I can't wait for the mail meeting tomorrow.
First, you should understand that attorneys in HELL are not individually assigned to cases. How could DON-BOY control things if we each were permitted to run with our own files. No, we prefer to be counterproductive and do things as ass-backwards as possible. I think it has something to do with his lack of control due to being disabled. I know I told you he was in a car accident and in a wheelchair, but that was a "poetic license" I took, because I don't want you to know exactly what DON-BOY's disability is. I may tell you some day, but for right now, I don't think that it matters. It is not his disability that makes him a fool, it is he that does that all on his own.
So, we don't have individual cases, but rather, we work as a group. All cases are monitored by all involved. It is a group effort. In theory it sounds like it might work. You know, more eyes looking over documents means less mistakes in the final product. But it is more like the saying "too many cooks spoil the broth." Everyone gets involved, and it becomes a harried mess.
For instance, the other day I was working on another motion. Well DON-BOY decides that everyone should look at it. I say "fine" even though I think it is a waste of time. Eventually I am given multiple suggestions, and have to spend more time going through the changes, corrections, etc... Almost everything suggested was just a matter of style, and since I am always right, their drivel was useless. But I put some stuff in, just to appease the crowds. The main problem with this is that where it would have taken 2 or 3 hours, the process turned into a 2-3 day event. Waste, waste and more waste. We are very good at overkill in HELL, and DON-BOY is the best.
So, now you know how the office works. This is where the mail meeting comes into play. Instead of having a "status meeting", or just a "case review", we have a mail meeting. Now, this usually takes 30-45 minutes. All this time, the entire office essentially closes down - no other meetings, no client appointments, no lunch breaks, no telephone calls - yes we put it through to an answering machine from 1984 (the year, not the book). During this time we all sit around the conference room table and wait to be handed our mail from DON-BOY. He has to look at each piece of mail and assign it individually to each person. SMART OLD HAG, here review this motion. INFANT, pretend you are doing something other than picking your nose. JOHN DOE, get a doctor to review this. Even the secretaries are there. Of course, they get most of the mail, because a lot of it just ends up being filed. It is at this time, and pretty much only at this time, that we get to throw in the occasional comment about a case. We have to throw it at DON-BOY because he manages everything, and he really doesn't listen unless you make him.
Incidentally, I am very good at managing DON-BOY. Others are not. This is where today's mail meeting became a little more interesting.
It was nearing the end of the day, about 4:00. The secretaries leave at 5:00, and the attorneys leave at 6:00. Everything is punctual and there is no more than half an hour give-way in the time because otherwise DON-BOY can't control our bowel movements. So DON-BOY is in his usual position, quickly scanning mail, evaluating and handing out so he doesn't have to ever think about it again. He lulls himself into a false sense that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing. I put that in boldface because I thought it warranted extreme emphasis. DON-BOY is a dumbass that knows nothing. Sorry, I can't help myself. I am bold crazy tonight.
As we were about 3/4 of the way through with the mail, I was reviewing the assignments. I have the fun job of keeping track of everyone's assignments. Usually we will go over this at the end of the mail meeting, if we have time. So we were almost done with the mail when she said it. SMART OLD HAG makes one of her off the cuff comments that cuts like a warm knife through butter.
She said that in the deposition today, SMART OLD HAG stated on the record that her attorney, DON-BOY, had helped her fill out some stupid form. At first he thought it was just another barb from SMART OLD HAG. She goes at it with him on a daily basis. He is too smart to fire her, because she is really good at her job, and she is too old to leave. They are stuck with each other. But, this cut a little deeper. It wasn't the fact that someone said that DON-BOY was an attorney. Something I think he should be more worried about. I have even told him so. But he doesn't care, he doesn't have a license. It's DON-DADDY's license on the line, and maybe even FAT GODZILLA's (at least according to him). Actually, he straddles the line, and has always stayed on the right side of it. He doesn't tell people he is an attorney, he tells them he's an office manager. It's just a matter of perception. Some people perceive things in different ways. I can understand the client's view too. I meet with DON-BOY a lot, why wouldn't I think he is my attorney. Well, did you ever think to ask? DON-BOY always makes sure that there is an attorney with him when he meets with clients. The clients usually don't know that it is the INFANT that is actually licensed.
Think of it this way, when you go to a doctor's office, you don't always know who is the doctor. Do you always know if you are even seeing a doctor. Maybe it is a physician's assistant, a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a technician, a student. You don't know unless you ask. When was the last time you asked in your doctor's office? Have you ever asked? The same applies in lawyers offices.
Further, in fairness to DON-BOY, he has been doing this a long time, and knows more than almost any lawyer I know. That is not to say that I think he is right. He could be totally open and tell every single person that he is not a lawyer. But I don't see the paralegals or the secretaries doing that either. The truth is (I know I said I wouldn't use that phrase again, but I just had to), that he acts in the same capacity as an adjuster or negotiator. The lawyers do all the legal work, court appearances, motions, etc..., and he usually does the phone call with the insurance company, or the like. It works for him and for the most part, it works okay in HELL.
Now that I got sidetracked again, I believe we were at the point in the mail meeting where SMART OLD HAG said what she said. But it really wasn't what she said - we all had heard it before. A simple client error that would be corrected in the deposition transcript. It definitely wouldn't even be questioned, but we are really good with that because DON-BOY is paranoid. He knows where his bread is buttered. It wasn't even how she said it, that sarcastic tone of superiority that she uses. She is a good attorney. I am not sure that she is a good person. She has terrible manners, smokes like a chimney, and is often rude. She used to be rude to me, but I put her in her place once, and now, we have an attorney bond of sorts.
The problem was where she said it. In the middle of the mail meeting. Everyone was there. From the top banana, all the way down the food chain to the bottom. Everyone heard this. She was openly insulting her with her tone and sarcasm, using a client's words, and stabbing him all at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had to hide my face because the instant she said it I started to smile from ear to ear. I almost thought I was going to burst out laughing. I even heard THE INFANT snicker a few times. The secretaries and paralegals all remained quiet, but I saw it on their faces too. The shock. The surprise. The delight. And of course, the silence. Silence is deadly.
Had he been a real man, he would have fired her (or had his daddy do it for him). But he had no balls (no that is not his disability - although one could say it is a disability for him). After a few seconds that lasted for hours, he retorted something that it was the SMART OLD HAG's fault for not better prepping the client. His words of course were hollow, because he was in prepping the client just as much as SMART OLD HAG and even THE INFANT. How could he not be, he has to be the mastermind of everything in HELL. So even his own comeback bit him in the ass. Another thing for my "Secrets" file. DON-BOY bit himself in the ass today, and I was there to witness it. Even better, I had nothing to do with this client or her prep yesterday because I was so busy conforming everybody's corrections and changes.
I can't wait for the mail meeting tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS (IS THE ONE THAT RULES THE WORLD)
One of the skank-whore secretaries sleeps with clients. At least that's the rumor. I think it's true.
About 1 year ago THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a client. Mind you, she is a secretary so she gets no money, just the privilege of bringing in a client. I don't know why any of the secretaries would bring in a client, although I believe THE WEASEL might get something, maybe a performance "bonus" or something. I don't know, I don't care. I just don't understand what incentive the secretaries have to bring'em in.
However, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a friend of hers, CLIENT LOSER.
CLIENT LOSER is a real piece of work. He was speeding on a motorcycle without a helmet, driving erratically and somehow hit into the rear end of a car crossing the road at an intersection. He slid on his belly, and ripped his gut up. He got a settlement for half a million and was pissed at us for not doing enough for him. Very typical for clients to not be happy, they always think we lawyers are trying to scam them just because we are taking 1/3. Guess what, if we billed the clients for our time, which we have the right to do - instead of the 1/3, they probably couldn't afford to make payments. At a low figure of $200/hour, with an avergage of 50 hours per case (just a lowball guess) your looking at $10,000. So unless your $30,000 settlement is achieved in 50 hours or less, you lose on the deal. Yeah, we make out more on cases requiring less time, but that's our reward for the risk of taking a contingency case. Okay, thanks for letting me blow off some steam. Back to CLIENT LOSER.
So, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS took advantage. I guess she thought they wouldn't fire her while she had her hands on the strings controlling CLIENT LOSER (she was right). So she would take off days and weeks at a time. She didn't get paid because she was fairly new, but she had the job there when she wanted it, and could get all the time off she desired. Not bad. Except for the anger, animosity, and jealousy of the rest of the office.
That's how the rumor began. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is banging CLIENT LOSER. Then it started to actually fall into place. Every time THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is out of the office, either CLIENT LOSER calls, or CLIENT LOSER's WIFE. CLIENT LOSER'S WIFE is also friends with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS. Then throw into the mix THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS' HUSBAND who calls every five minutes because he doesn't have a job, and doesn't have a life. We now have a mystery brew of sex, intrigue, and retardedness.
Whether or not THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is actually banging CLIENT LOSER, who fucking cares? I don't. But nothing makes the day go by like office gossip, and she provides lots of it. She is a crappy secretary, so at least this way she provides entertainment. At least that's what they tell me.
So now the question is, where does it stop. In HELL it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with a client, steal all there money, or murder them! (yes that is for those of you that think that I might really murder someone - it's called FANTASY, or maybe it is reality - you will never know for sure - but like I said in my comment, you don't even know if any of these people are real. I am more than glad to entertain your pathetic attempts to figure out what firm I am with - I have already had guesses from around the world. I promise to tell you the truth if you guess!)
Does it stop with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS, or is there some sort of trickle down effect. Maybe the other secretaries will start to revolt. Maybe they will all take time off and start banging the clients. I know two of them that are both whore-enough to do it. Not THE WEASEL, nobody wants to tap that. Maybe I will e-mail this to my boss to see if he realizes that it is about him. DON-BOY, I know you are reading this blog right now and wondering. Well wonder no more - if you think it is you - then it is you! How and when it stops is a mystery. But I hope it goes on for a while.
About 1 year ago THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a client. Mind you, she is a secretary so she gets no money, just the privilege of bringing in a client. I don't know why any of the secretaries would bring in a client, although I believe THE WEASEL might get something, maybe a performance "bonus" or something. I don't know, I don't care. I just don't understand what incentive the secretaries have to bring'em in.
However, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a friend of hers, CLIENT LOSER.
CLIENT LOSER is a real piece of work. He was speeding on a motorcycle without a helmet, driving erratically and somehow hit into the rear end of a car crossing the road at an intersection. He slid on his belly, and ripped his gut up. He got a settlement for half a million and was pissed at us for not doing enough for him. Very typical for clients to not be happy, they always think we lawyers are trying to scam them just because we are taking 1/3. Guess what, if we billed the clients for our time, which we have the right to do - instead of the 1/3, they probably couldn't afford to make payments. At a low figure of $200/hour, with an avergage of 50 hours per case (just a lowball guess) your looking at $10,000. So unless your $30,000 settlement is achieved in 50 hours or less, you lose on the deal. Yeah, we make out more on cases requiring less time, but that's our reward for the risk of taking a contingency case. Okay, thanks for letting me blow off some steam. Back to CLIENT LOSER.
So, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS took advantage. I guess she thought they wouldn't fire her while she had her hands on the strings controlling CLIENT LOSER (she was right). So she would take off days and weeks at a time. She didn't get paid because she was fairly new, but she had the job there when she wanted it, and could get all the time off she desired. Not bad. Except for the anger, animosity, and jealousy of the rest of the office.
That's how the rumor began. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is banging CLIENT LOSER. Then it started to actually fall into place. Every time THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is out of the office, either CLIENT LOSER calls, or CLIENT LOSER's WIFE. CLIENT LOSER'S WIFE is also friends with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS. Then throw into the mix THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS' HUSBAND who calls every five minutes because he doesn't have a job, and doesn't have a life. We now have a mystery brew of sex, intrigue, and retardedness.
Whether or not THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is actually banging CLIENT LOSER, who fucking cares? I don't. But nothing makes the day go by like office gossip, and she provides lots of it. She is a crappy secretary, so at least this way she provides entertainment. At least that's what they tell me.
So now the question is, where does it stop. In HELL it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with a client, steal all there money, or murder them! (yes that is for those of you that think that I might really murder someone - it's called FANTASY, or maybe it is reality - you will never know for sure - but like I said in my comment, you don't even know if any of these people are real. I am more than glad to entertain your pathetic attempts to figure out what firm I am with - I have already had guesses from around the world. I promise to tell you the truth if you guess!)
Does it stop with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS, or is there some sort of trickle down effect. Maybe the other secretaries will start to revolt. Maybe they will all take time off and start banging the clients. I know two of them that are both whore-enough to do it. Not THE WEASEL, nobody wants to tap that. Maybe I will e-mail this to my boss to see if he realizes that it is about him. DON-BOY, I know you are reading this blog right now and wondering. Well wonder no more - if you think it is you - then it is you! How and when it stops is a mystery. But I hope it goes on for a while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)