THE LIAR

In this instance, I happen to be talking about a client. THE LIAR is a generic name for many clients in HELL. As I've told you before it is the mantra of many clients. They just don't want to tell us the truth.

Today, I had a five-hour deposition in a simple motor vehicle accident case. This is extremely long for such a simple deposition. All parties should have been done within 1-2 hours. Not today. Why, you may ask. Simple. THE LIAR.

THE LIAR comes in many forms. She is a wonderful player of the system. Today, THE LIAR is 60 years old. Old enough to know how to work the system. She is the kind of woman that goes out of her way to be very friendly to you, but only so long as she thinks that it is benefiting her.

From the very first day when THE LIAR came to HELL, she was pegged. BINGO BETTY (named for her uncontrollable urge to play bingo - actually it's all gambling, but that's another story), and THE DOMINATRIX (named for her ability to control all mail, mortgage-payments, general-practice clients, FAT GODZILLA, and most importantly, me) both realized right from the beginning that this client was THE LIAR. They told me on many occasions that we had to watch out for THE LIAR. Unfortunately, being that I have absolutely no real power in HELL, I basically passed this piece of advise on and was nicely told to ignore it.

Of course, THE LIAR is good at what she does. Therefore there is no real "proof" that she lies. But, the deposition today sealed the deal for me.

I generally pride myself on being a good judge of character. In my field, this is a quality that you need, not because it really matters if they are telling the truth (clients, bosses, other lawyers, etc... usually never are), but because it gives you an edge. Every edge is helpful because ultimately it could mean another dollar in your pocket. This is always about the money. Although it is nice to help people, I am past that juvenile phase in my career. I was an idealist for a long time, and guess what. You can't afford to be an idealist. Doesn't pay the bills.

So, the deposition went on and on. THE LIAR cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. She didn't really have a purpose to her tears. She would cry when it was time to talk about the accident. Okay, probably legitimate.

She would cry when talking about her injuries and how severely limited they make her. Okay, I get that too.

She would also cry when talking about her treatment. She cried about her doctors. She cried about her therapy. She cried about her emotional pain. All her trauma. All the drama. She cried, cried, cried. Very over the top, but I still did my best to look the part of an earnest lawyer, being the zealous advocate that both the law and my oath require.

But, the straw that broke the camel's back: When she cried because she couldn't spell her doctor's name. Now, I know what you are thinking. Maybe she had some cognitive issues. No, she corrected the way I had spelled the doctor's name on the record, and then cried.

These tears were all of the crocodile variety. Now I'm just pissed. It's one thing for a deposition to last 4 or 5 hours when someone is really injured. It's quite another when my time is being wasted. I know I am in HELL and my time is wasted daily. But this was a simple matter of pride. Basically, you fuck me, and I will fuck you back twice as hard. I haven't decided what THE LIAR will get in return for her performance, but I am open to suggestions.
Another tool in THE LIAR's arsenal.

She lies through tears,
She lies through fears,
She lies when she cries,
She lies as she dies,
I wish she would die.

Now I turn for a moment away from THE LIAR to another liar. FAT GODZILLA. I usually give her as much support as I can muster. But I am just fed up. Today, she spent the day screaming around the office "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY". Like a god damn chicken with it's head cut off. She has nothing better to do. She goes around pretending to be important. Pretending like she has something to say, something to do. All in all, she's probably even more of a liar than THE LIAR. At least THE LIAR has a purpose, a goal. Maybe it is mischievous, maybe it is shady, but at least she has a purpose. FAT GODZILLA truly has no purpose. That is the saddest part of all. I guess I shouldn't get so pissed at her, how sad it must be to be her. I truly pity her. Although I wouldn't mind stabbing her in the eye with a pencil either.

JOKE OF THE DAY THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A MILLION TIMES BEFORE: How do you know when a LAWYER is LYING? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING.