NO INTERNET, NO E-MAIL, BUT HEY, AT LEAST HE WATCHES EVERY MOVE WE MAKE ON THE COMPUTER

Okay, so I have a bone to pick. As you will see, that is what I do best.

Yes, you read the title right. My 21st Century Law office does not have e-mail capability. Likewise, we don't have internet access. Well I should say we have very very very limited internet access. When we first got these computers a few years ago, and stopped using the old Unix word processor from 1912, DON-BOY's paranoia went into overdrive. He decided that e-mail is just too scary of a proposition. People could actually contact the outside world, and "oh my god" they might even e-mail something that is not business related. Voila - No e-mails.

Internet is a whole other story. For a while, we were allowed to have internet access. Then the bugs started. He blamed every problem with every computer on the internet sites the employees were visiting. I thought it was much more likely that we would get a virus from one of those pornographic or scam e-mails he would open (pretending all the while he didn't have e-mail access like the rest of us). No, he decided an employee paying a bill online was where the bugs were coming from. Like Visa or Mastercard doesn't have up to date filtering software. So he decides in the modern world of legal thinking (don't forget he's not even a fucking lawyer), that we will go without the internet. No search engines. No Google. Nada.

We do have access to Westlaw, which is the only site we can access without boundaries (of course other than the crap plan that they pay for, but hey at least it's not the books. But Google. Seriously, who doesn't use Google. This makes the office crazy. Of course we have our little secrets. I use my i-phone. Some others use their cells, Blackberrys, whatever. But we have to be careful, because cell phone use is not allowed either. A lot of us do the searches at home, but we loathe it because it is not on their time. However, it makes our jobs easier, so we adjust.

Finally, there is the spying problem. DON-BOY is so anal, that he makes sure to watch us from home. I don't know what he thinks we can do without e-mail, or internet. Hell, he even had the games removed from everyones computer - wasting too much time. Once FAT GODZILLA printed out me playing solitaire. She printed about 5 pages. I was taking a break, and that turned into an office melodrama.

They are so dumb, because you know productivity slows down because people can't take a break. You know, come think of it, I should complain. Half the office goes out for a cigarette break, and I don't. Maybe I should say I want my computer games back, or I will go out for cigarette breaks like everyone else. What's fair is fair. But, I don't want to piss off the smokers. God knows they could go on a Nicotine rampage and go postal!

So, let me know if any of you out there have similar problems in your office. I would appreciate all of your comments.