In most other offices, you have the Internet, E-mail, Colleagues, or even Solitaire. In HELL we have to become a little more creative.
We all have our ways. I know the smokers take extra-long breaks. THE DOMINATRIX does her bills when she thinks no one else is looking. BINGO BETTY does work on her side business (guess what it has to do with?!?) THE INFANT picks his nose. FAT GODZILLA hides in the bathroom, closes her door pretending to have clients and reads magazines. DON-BOY just goes online - of course he has Internet and e-mail. But no one knows what I do.
Of course, they all think they know what I am doing because I have made it fairly obvious that I have an "I-phone". I used to have a Blackberry, but my I-phone is just so much better. So everyone thinks that when I need a break I go on my I-phone, do e-mails, Internet, the works. I do some of it, just to keep the ruse afloat. I even have this trick that when I hear people coming (my office is in the back, well secluded from the rest of the peons), I quick reach for my desk drawer and move it around. Most people usually give that knowing smile, or a quick "wink". It is also easy to do because I eat breakfast and my chocolate snacks out of that drawer. However, I must admit that most of the time I am doing something else.
My plan is simple - get the biggest reaction. I like to stir the pot. I like to cause trouble when nothing is going on. Plain and simple. I am a troublemaker, and I am damn good at it.
For instance, I do little things that I know will annoy other people. I know FAT GODZILLA likes to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. She had that plastic band put around her stomach in her futile effort to lose a couple thousand pounds. Well, I know she likes to read in the bathroom. I also know that she is a "pack rat" and a slob. She can never put things away. I also know that FAT GODZILLA's slovenliness and pack rat qualities drive THE DOMINATRIX crazy. She goes over the edge. So here's what I do...
Every time after FAT GODZILLA uses "our bathroom", the one everyone else uses, I make sure to go in there within the next 15-20 minutes after her. Of course I am not gross, nor am I a pervert. But what I do is I make sure to bring in something. A newspaper. A magazine, Anything, it doesn't matter what. So, I take something and shove it under the sink. It is hilarious. Especially because one of the doors under the sink doesn't close all the way. So there is this huge mess, and I know that THE DOMINATRIX must be going bonkers. I just found out yesterday that THE DOMINATRIX totally blames FAT GODZILLA for this mess. It is fantastic. A delightful little bit of fun that never hurt anyone.
I do this frequently, and the goal is to get bigger and better, all the while never getting caught. My problem is, I have been wanting to get really big. I am looking to pull off the "prank-of-all-pranks". I have been given some suggestions by you guys out there. One person suggested pulling off a total control maneuver -where I would take control of the office, using FAT GODZILLA as a puppet. Not a bad idea. But I don't really want control of HELL. I want control of the entire world. Besides, I need something to do when I am bored, but eventually I will be leaving HELL. I cannot consider taking it over. But I am definitely open to suggestions.
Please let me know what pranks you think I should do. I will post the best one, and of course, I will try it out and let you know how it works. HELL hath no fury like a bored attorney.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
POTATO CHIPS & CIGARETTES
PET PEEVE ALERT: I really do not appreciate the amount of cigarette breaks certain people take.
I am not a smoker. I do not like when people smoke. It is a filthy, disgusting habit. That being said, I understand the addiction to nicotine, blah blah blah, so I guess it is okay that cigarette smokers take a break.
I also get that people are going to want to get up and snack throughout the day. A chip here and there never hurt anyone.
My beef is simple. Why is it fair that people get their smokes and their chips, and I get jack squatt? It is not fair. SMART OLD HAG can't go five minutes without a cigarette break and she can't go 2 seconds without a chip. Why the fuck am I working and working and all they are doing is smoking and eating chips. BINGO BETTY smokes, and I barely ever notice her smoking. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS SMOKES, and although she is never around when we need her for weeks at a time, when she is there, she usually is pretty quick. Even THE WEASEL smokes, and it is not too bad. But SMART OLD HAG just abuses the privilege. THE DOMINATRIX and I were discussing it today.
The more I think about it now, the more mad I am getting. If you add up all the time they smoke and stand around the bag of community chips, they must be getting weeks of extra vacation time. I really think this needs to be addressed. But of course if I say something, then I am the prick. Maybe I will convince THE DOMINATRIX to say something. Yeah, she's so easy, I could convince her to do anything.
There is one sticking point - FAT GODZILLA. She is always in her "lying" cloak, and pretends not to eat. But she runs a close second to SMART OLD HAG when it comes to eating chips. Maybe I can get THE INFANT to stop putting his finger up his nose for a second and to join me in my drive to get equal time off. I am perfectly willing to skip chips and smoke breaks for another week's vacation. Maybe this needs to get filed in my "secrets" file. Soon the "secrets" file will be bursting at the seams.
I am not a smoker. I do not like when people smoke. It is a filthy, disgusting habit. That being said, I understand the addiction to nicotine, blah blah blah, so I guess it is okay that cigarette smokers take a break.
I also get that people are going to want to get up and snack throughout the day. A chip here and there never hurt anyone.
My beef is simple. Why is it fair that people get their smokes and their chips, and I get jack squatt? It is not fair. SMART OLD HAG can't go five minutes without a cigarette break and she can't go 2 seconds without a chip. Why the fuck am I working and working and all they are doing is smoking and eating chips. BINGO BETTY smokes, and I barely ever notice her smoking. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS SMOKES, and although she is never around when we need her for weeks at a time, when she is there, she usually is pretty quick. Even THE WEASEL smokes, and it is not too bad. But SMART OLD HAG just abuses the privilege. THE DOMINATRIX and I were discussing it today.
The more I think about it now, the more mad I am getting. If you add up all the time they smoke and stand around the bag of community chips, they must be getting weeks of extra vacation time. I really think this needs to be addressed. But of course if I say something, then I am the prick. Maybe I will convince THE DOMINATRIX to say something. Yeah, she's so easy, I could convince her to do anything.
There is one sticking point - FAT GODZILLA. She is always in her "lying" cloak, and pretends not to eat. But she runs a close second to SMART OLD HAG when it comes to eating chips. Maybe I can get THE INFANT to stop putting his finger up his nose for a second and to join me in my drive to get equal time off. I am perfectly willing to skip chips and smoke breaks for another week's vacation. Maybe this needs to get filed in my "secrets" file. Soon the "secrets" file will be bursting at the seams.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
THE LIAR
In this instance, I happen to be talking about a client. THE LIAR is a generic name for many clients in HELL. As I've told you before it is the mantra of many clients. They just don't want to tell us the truth.
Today, I had a five-hour deposition in a simple motor vehicle accident case. This is extremely long for such a simple deposition. All parties should have been done within 1-2 hours. Not today. Why, you may ask. Simple. THE LIAR.
THE LIAR comes in many forms. She is a wonderful player of the system. Today, THE LIAR is 60 years old. Old enough to know how to work the system. She is the kind of woman that goes out of her way to be very friendly to you, but only so long as she thinks that it is benefiting her.
From the very first day when THE LIAR came to HELL, she was pegged. BINGO BETTY (named for her uncontrollable urge to play bingo - actually it's all gambling, but that's another story), and THE DOMINATRIX (named for her ability to control all mail, mortgage-payments, general-practice clients, FAT GODZILLA, and most importantly, me) both realized right from the beginning that this client was THE LIAR. They told me on many occasions that we had to watch out for THE LIAR. Unfortunately, being that I have absolutely no real power in HELL, I basically passed this piece of advise on and was nicely told to ignore it.
Of course, THE LIAR is good at what she does. Therefore there is no real "proof" that she lies. But, the deposition today sealed the deal for me.
I generally pride myself on being a good judge of character. In my field, this is a quality that you need, not because it really matters if they are telling the truth (clients, bosses, other lawyers, etc... usually never are), but because it gives you an edge. Every edge is helpful because ultimately it could mean another dollar in your pocket. This is always about the money. Although it is nice to help people, I am past that juvenile phase in my career. I was an idealist for a long time, and guess what. You can't afford to be an idealist. Doesn't pay the bills.
So, the deposition went on and on. THE LIAR cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. She didn't really have a purpose to her tears. She would cry when it was time to talk about the accident. Okay, probably legitimate.
She would cry when talking about her injuries and how severely limited they make her. Okay, I get that too.
She would also cry when talking about her treatment. She cried about her doctors. She cried about her therapy. She cried about her emotional pain. All her trauma. All the drama. She cried, cried, cried. Very over the top, but I still did my best to look the part of an earnest lawyer, being the zealous advocate that both the law and my oath require.
But, the straw that broke the camel's back: When she cried because she couldn't spell her doctor's name. Now, I know what you are thinking. Maybe she had some cognitive issues. No, she corrected the way I had spelled the doctor's name on the record, and then cried.
These tears were all of the crocodile variety. Now I'm just pissed. It's one thing for a deposition to last 4 or 5 hours when someone is really injured. It's quite another when my time is being wasted. I know I am in HELL and my time is wasted daily. But this was a simple matter of pride. Basically, you fuck me, and I will fuck you back twice as hard. I haven't decided what THE LIAR will get in return for her performance, but I am open to suggestions.
Another tool in THE LIAR's arsenal.
She lies through tears,
She lies through fears,
She lies when she cries,
She lies as she dies,
I wish she would die.
Now I turn for a moment away from THE LIAR to another liar. FAT GODZILLA. I usually give her as much support as I can muster. But I am just fed up. Today, she spent the day screaming around the office "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY". Like a god damn chicken with it's head cut off. She has nothing better to do. She goes around pretending to be important. Pretending like she has something to say, something to do. All in all, she's probably even more of a liar than THE LIAR. At least THE LIAR has a purpose, a goal. Maybe it is mischievous, maybe it is shady, but at least she has a purpose. FAT GODZILLA truly has no purpose. That is the saddest part of all. I guess I shouldn't get so pissed at her, how sad it must be to be her. I truly pity her. Although I wouldn't mind stabbing her in the eye with a pencil either.
JOKE OF THE DAY THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A MILLION TIMES BEFORE: How do you know when a LAWYER is LYING? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING.
Today, I had a five-hour deposition in a simple motor vehicle accident case. This is extremely long for such a simple deposition. All parties should have been done within 1-2 hours. Not today. Why, you may ask. Simple. THE LIAR.
THE LIAR comes in many forms. She is a wonderful player of the system. Today, THE LIAR is 60 years old. Old enough to know how to work the system. She is the kind of woman that goes out of her way to be very friendly to you, but only so long as she thinks that it is benefiting her.
From the very first day when THE LIAR came to HELL, she was pegged. BINGO BETTY (named for her uncontrollable urge to play bingo - actually it's all gambling, but that's another story), and THE DOMINATRIX (named for her ability to control all mail, mortgage-payments, general-practice clients, FAT GODZILLA, and most importantly, me) both realized right from the beginning that this client was THE LIAR. They told me on many occasions that we had to watch out for THE LIAR. Unfortunately, being that I have absolutely no real power in HELL, I basically passed this piece of advise on and was nicely told to ignore it.
Of course, THE LIAR is good at what she does. Therefore there is no real "proof" that she lies. But, the deposition today sealed the deal for me.
I generally pride myself on being a good judge of character. In my field, this is a quality that you need, not because it really matters if they are telling the truth (clients, bosses, other lawyers, etc... usually never are), but because it gives you an edge. Every edge is helpful because ultimately it could mean another dollar in your pocket. This is always about the money. Although it is nice to help people, I am past that juvenile phase in my career. I was an idealist for a long time, and guess what. You can't afford to be an idealist. Doesn't pay the bills.
So, the deposition went on and on. THE LIAR cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. She didn't really have a purpose to her tears. She would cry when it was time to talk about the accident. Okay, probably legitimate.
She would cry when talking about her injuries and how severely limited they make her. Okay, I get that too.
She would also cry when talking about her treatment. She cried about her doctors. She cried about her therapy. She cried about her emotional pain. All her trauma. All the drama. She cried, cried, cried. Very over the top, but I still did my best to look the part of an earnest lawyer, being the zealous advocate that both the law and my oath require.
But, the straw that broke the camel's back: When she cried because she couldn't spell her doctor's name. Now, I know what you are thinking. Maybe she had some cognitive issues. No, she corrected the way I had spelled the doctor's name on the record, and then cried.
These tears were all of the crocodile variety. Now I'm just pissed. It's one thing for a deposition to last 4 or 5 hours when someone is really injured. It's quite another when my time is being wasted. I know I am in HELL and my time is wasted daily. But this was a simple matter of pride. Basically, you fuck me, and I will fuck you back twice as hard. I haven't decided what THE LIAR will get in return for her performance, but I am open to suggestions.
Another tool in THE LIAR's arsenal.
She lies through tears,
She lies through fears,
She lies when she cries,
She lies as she dies,
I wish she would die.
Now I turn for a moment away from THE LIAR to another liar. FAT GODZILLA. I usually give her as much support as I can muster. But I am just fed up. Today, she spent the day screaming around the office "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY", "DON-BOY". Like a god damn chicken with it's head cut off. She has nothing better to do. She goes around pretending to be important. Pretending like she has something to say, something to do. All in all, she's probably even more of a liar than THE LIAR. At least THE LIAR has a purpose, a goal. Maybe it is mischievous, maybe it is shady, but at least she has a purpose. FAT GODZILLA truly has no purpose. That is the saddest part of all. I guess I shouldn't get so pissed at her, how sad it must be to be her. I truly pity her. Although I wouldn't mind stabbing her in the eye with a pencil either.
JOKE OF THE DAY THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A MILLION TIMES BEFORE: How do you know when a LAWYER is LYING? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING.
Monday, June 23, 2008
WHAT DOES THE WEASEL DO?
THE WEASEL is a paralegal/legal secretary. She has been at the office for 20 years. So how come now that she is on vacation this week, nothing is really any different. Sure, she left us a memo with a list of clients to call and EBTs to confirm, but we would have known to do that by simply reading the calendar. So what exactly is it that THE WEASEL does.
Well, we all know that she is DON-BOY's sidekick. She is his #1 yes-man! Her nose is so far up his ass on a daily basis that it looks like he's growing a WEASEL from his nether-regions. Gross.
After discussing the matter at length with a few of my colleagues, we have decided that THE WEASEL's sole contribution to the office is that she buys the potato chips on a daily basis. Well, that's important!
I know she is smart. In fact THE WEASEL is very intelligent. It's not that she can't do the work. It's that DON-BOY has her do all of his personal errands, pay his bills, wax his balls, and so on. I think at some point she might get tired of being his day-bitch. At least his wife gets to sit home all day and do nothing. But, I don't want to know what she has to do at night. But why THE WEASEL has allowed herself to fall into the position of peon-snitch-day-bitch, I just can't grasp.
I know she needs the feeling of power. She craves that. But, how much power does someone have making sure your MasterCard is paid on time. Yeah, she can fuck up your credit score, but she wouldn't dare. I don't think THE WEASEL has a soul. She is like a ghost. The days pass her by, and all the while, she makes no impact whatsoever. It is sad. Very, very sad.
I've told you before that I do like THE WEASEL a lot. But it is so freaking boring to be her that I find it hard to keep her close to me. I also can't trust her. This leads me to a very important topic in a small, family-run firm. Trust is everything.
At the end of the day today, FAT GODZILLA came to me, crying. She was crying because her brother, our office manager, DON-BOY berated her yet again. He thinks she is not pulling her weight (no pun intended, but it is funny as hell). I don't know why she would trust me with this. I think it is because I've been around the longest (as far as other attorneys go), and she just needed a shoulder to cry on. Frankly, I'm getting tired of her crying because she is the one that truly has the power, she is just afraid to use it. But, I do feel bad for her, because, well, like any other loser, she is pathetic at times. I guess I'm just a real soft touch.
So, the question is, why does FAT GODZILLA trust me? Why does anyone trust anyone?
I know that THE WEASEL's whole goal in life is to have DON-BOY trust her. I know that I trust a select few in HELL, and have shared with them and them alone my ambition and my taking on new clients on my own. My own practice is a great source of trust. For me, my clients, and those that I choose to share this with. But, can you ever really trust the people you work with. In HELL, the answer seems obvious, but it's not always that way.
I pick and chose whom to trust. FAT GODZILLA seems to trust everyone implicitly, without any regard. DON-BOY trusts no one at all. I don't even think he trusts himself. I've already told you how he trusts me with certain things, and THE WEASEL with others. But, he doesn't trust anyone completely.
To answer the main question of this post - What does THE WEASEL do? She spends her days and nights trying to come up with ways to gain the trust of others. Mostly DON-BOY's trust, but she tries to gain favor with everyone. Well, remember the story of Adam & Eve, you know, the two jerks in the Garden of Eden. Yeah, I read Genesis, get over it. Eve (like THE WEASEL) openly trusted the serpent (DON-BOY). And look what happened to her. She fucked it up for the rest of us. Typical fucking secretary!!
Well, we all know that she is DON-BOY's sidekick. She is his #1 yes-man! Her nose is so far up his ass on a daily basis that it looks like he's growing a WEASEL from his nether-regions. Gross.
After discussing the matter at length with a few of my colleagues, we have decided that THE WEASEL's sole contribution to the office is that she buys the potato chips on a daily basis. Well, that's important!
I know she is smart. In fact THE WEASEL is very intelligent. It's not that she can't do the work. It's that DON-BOY has her do all of his personal errands, pay his bills, wax his balls, and so on. I think at some point she might get tired of being his day-bitch. At least his wife gets to sit home all day and do nothing. But, I don't want to know what she has to do at night. But why THE WEASEL has allowed herself to fall into the position of peon-snitch-day-bitch, I just can't grasp.
I know she needs the feeling of power. She craves that. But, how much power does someone have making sure your MasterCard is paid on time. Yeah, she can fuck up your credit score, but she wouldn't dare. I don't think THE WEASEL has a soul. She is like a ghost. The days pass her by, and all the while, she makes no impact whatsoever. It is sad. Very, very sad.
I've told you before that I do like THE WEASEL a lot. But it is so freaking boring to be her that I find it hard to keep her close to me. I also can't trust her. This leads me to a very important topic in a small, family-run firm. Trust is everything.
At the end of the day today, FAT GODZILLA came to me, crying. She was crying because her brother, our office manager, DON-BOY berated her yet again. He thinks she is not pulling her weight (no pun intended, but it is funny as hell). I don't know why she would trust me with this. I think it is because I've been around the longest (as far as other attorneys go), and she just needed a shoulder to cry on. Frankly, I'm getting tired of her crying because she is the one that truly has the power, she is just afraid to use it. But, I do feel bad for her, because, well, like any other loser, she is pathetic at times. I guess I'm just a real soft touch.
So, the question is, why does FAT GODZILLA trust me? Why does anyone trust anyone?
I know that THE WEASEL's whole goal in life is to have DON-BOY trust her. I know that I trust a select few in HELL, and have shared with them and them alone my ambition and my taking on new clients on my own. My own practice is a great source of trust. For me, my clients, and those that I choose to share this with. But, can you ever really trust the people you work with. In HELL, the answer seems obvious, but it's not always that way.
I pick and chose whom to trust. FAT GODZILLA seems to trust everyone implicitly, without any regard. DON-BOY trusts no one at all. I don't even think he trusts himself. I've already told you how he trusts me with certain things, and THE WEASEL with others. But, he doesn't trust anyone completely.
To answer the main question of this post - What does THE WEASEL do? She spends her days and nights trying to come up with ways to gain the trust of others. Mostly DON-BOY's trust, but she tries to gain favor with everyone. Well, remember the story of Adam & Eve, you know, the two jerks in the Garden of Eden. Yeah, I read Genesis, get over it. Eve (like THE WEASEL) openly trusted the serpent (DON-BOY). And look what happened to her. She fucked it up for the rest of us. Typical fucking secretary!!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
5000 VOLTS
Quick story about 5000 VOLTS. "5V" as I like to refer to him is one of our fun clients. He was referred to me by a friend, so I was kind of obligated to take the case. What a loser (both the case and the client). 5V was severely shocked (thus the name) by some faulty electrical equipment while at work. It should have killed him. Unfortunately it didn't. He complains of memory loss, but he's a client, probably lying. I'll get more into that in a few. He is suing the company he was working for - he was an independent contractor for this company, and he is alleging negligence, defective product design, defective product manufacture, unsafe working conditions...the whole kit and kaboodle.
Well, we take the case, get into a whole bunch of litigation (basically just paperwork back and forth), and have depositions. Well at the deposition we get the "bombshell" moment. Turns out our client is an in-the-closet junkee. Heroine, crack, cocaine, crystal meth - the whole nine yards.
Please know that this should not be a surprise. Most attorneys know that their client's lie to them all the time. Even with attorney-client privilege, must people are just too embarrassed to tell the whole truth. So usually we get a truth that is skewed to reflect the client in a "favorable light." Unfortunately, when we say we need the whole truth - that is just what we mean. When a client doesn't tell us about his habit of doing lines in the bathroom, or fucking every woman that he knows, sometimes it turns around and bites us, and in turn him/herself right between the legs.
So, 5V screwed us over. We have tactics for this too. We may try to destroy the defendant's credibility. We may try to have the evidence kicked on a technicality. I am definitely not above that, and suggest technicalities wherever possible. You hire me to be a "zealous advocate". I am going to try to find every loophole. People think that "zealous" only counts for criminal attorneys, but that law is on my side. I will do everything legally in my power to get my client money. That's how I get paid. Yes, it is about the Benjamins. Sometimes it is about the client, but usually not. I work for money. I am a prostitute. I am okay with it.
In law school, I had such high ambitions. I was going to be a prosecutor. I was going to put all of the criminal trash behind bars where it belongs. That dream died with 1L orientation. Then I was going to be a corporate lawyer. I would negotiate huge business deals for mega-clients. Unfortunately, I live about two hours away from the next big city. So I would be facing a big commute. Oh and those corporate lawyers have no life. I mean "no" life. Billable hours. 2500 hours a year. Not for me. So I kind of fell into personal injury. I fell into it, but I also fell into love with it. No turning back.
Back to 5V - tomorrow I have a deposition. For those of you that are not familiar with law practice, we go to court very rarely. A deposition is usually the next best thing. I get a chance to question the other side, while they get a chance to question my client. However, tomorrow, I have to do some damage control. We already did 5V's deposition, like I said above. Plaintiff's always go first. Then we did defendant's deposition - pretty straight forward - no real help. Tomorrow, the defendant's attorneys want to question 5V's employer. The problem is, I don't know how much the employer knows. Won't talk to me. Won't talk to my investigator. 5V doesn't know, but hell he was probably on crack when he got electrocuted. That's probably how it happened anyway. So what do I do? I have a strategy. I am going to play it cool. Let the other side do their thing. I will fill in whatever gaps, and ask the questions the other side can't or won't ask. But all in all, I get to sit in a room for a few hours, and listen to how crappy my client was an employee. How often he was late. How close he came to getting fired.
Not exactly Law & Order or Boston Legal. Both the truth never is. But hey, I get paid to sit in a room and basically do nothing. And I make a lot more money than most people could ever dream. I may be a prostitute, but who's really the fool?
I'll take 1/3 every time baby.
Well, we take the case, get into a whole bunch of litigation (basically just paperwork back and forth), and have depositions. Well at the deposition we get the "bombshell" moment. Turns out our client is an in-the-closet junkee. Heroine, crack, cocaine, crystal meth - the whole nine yards.
Please know that this should not be a surprise. Most attorneys know that their client's lie to them all the time. Even with attorney-client privilege, must people are just too embarrassed to tell the whole truth. So usually we get a truth that is skewed to reflect the client in a "favorable light." Unfortunately, when we say we need the whole truth - that is just what we mean. When a client doesn't tell us about his habit of doing lines in the bathroom, or fucking every woman that he knows, sometimes it turns around and bites us, and in turn him/herself right between the legs.
So, 5V screwed us over. We have tactics for this too. We may try to destroy the defendant's credibility. We may try to have the evidence kicked on a technicality. I am definitely not above that, and suggest technicalities wherever possible. You hire me to be a "zealous advocate". I am going to try to find every loophole. People think that "zealous" only counts for criminal attorneys, but that law is on my side. I will do everything legally in my power to get my client money. That's how I get paid. Yes, it is about the Benjamins. Sometimes it is about the client, but usually not. I work for money. I am a prostitute. I am okay with it.
In law school, I had such high ambitions. I was going to be a prosecutor. I was going to put all of the criminal trash behind bars where it belongs. That dream died with 1L orientation. Then I was going to be a corporate lawyer. I would negotiate huge business deals for mega-clients. Unfortunately, I live about two hours away from the next big city. So I would be facing a big commute. Oh and those corporate lawyers have no life. I mean "no" life. Billable hours. 2500 hours a year. Not for me. So I kind of fell into personal injury. I fell into it, but I also fell into love with it. No turning back.
Back to 5V - tomorrow I have a deposition. For those of you that are not familiar with law practice, we go to court very rarely. A deposition is usually the next best thing. I get a chance to question the other side, while they get a chance to question my client. However, tomorrow, I have to do some damage control. We already did 5V's deposition, like I said above. Plaintiff's always go first. Then we did defendant's deposition - pretty straight forward - no real help. Tomorrow, the defendant's attorneys want to question 5V's employer. The problem is, I don't know how much the employer knows. Won't talk to me. Won't talk to my investigator. 5V doesn't know, but hell he was probably on crack when he got electrocuted. That's probably how it happened anyway. So what do I do? I have a strategy. I am going to play it cool. Let the other side do their thing. I will fill in whatever gaps, and ask the questions the other side can't or won't ask. But all in all, I get to sit in a room for a few hours, and listen to how crappy my client was an employee. How often he was late. How close he came to getting fired.
Not exactly Law & Order or Boston Legal. Both the truth never is. But hey, I get paid to sit in a room and basically do nothing. And I make a lot more money than most people could ever dream. I may be a prostitute, but who's really the fool?
I'll take 1/3 every time baby.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
THE MAIL MEETING
I suppose normal offices have status meetings. Others hand out mail to the appropriate party. Well, in HELL, we do things a little bit differently. Go figure.
First, you should understand that attorneys in HELL are not individually assigned to cases. How could DON-BOY control things if we each were permitted to run with our own files. No, we prefer to be counterproductive and do things as ass-backwards as possible. I think it has something to do with his lack of control due to being disabled. I know I told you he was in a car accident and in a wheelchair, but that was a "poetic license" I took, because I don't want you to know exactly what DON-BOY's disability is. I may tell you some day, but for right now, I don't think that it matters. It is not his disability that makes him a fool, it is he that does that all on his own.
So, we don't have individual cases, but rather, we work as a group. All cases are monitored by all involved. It is a group effort. In theory it sounds like it might work. You know, more eyes looking over documents means less mistakes in the final product. But it is more like the saying "too many cooks spoil the broth." Everyone gets involved, and it becomes a harried mess.
For instance, the other day I was working on another motion. Well DON-BOY decides that everyone should look at it. I say "fine" even though I think it is a waste of time. Eventually I am given multiple suggestions, and have to spend more time going through the changes, corrections, etc... Almost everything suggested was just a matter of style, and since I am always right, their drivel was useless. But I put some stuff in, just to appease the crowds. The main problem with this is that where it would have taken 2 or 3 hours, the process turned into a 2-3 day event. Waste, waste and more waste. We are very good at overkill in HELL, and DON-BOY is the best.
So, now you know how the office works. This is where the mail meeting comes into play. Instead of having a "status meeting", or just a "case review", we have a mail meeting. Now, this usually takes 30-45 minutes. All this time, the entire office essentially closes down - no other meetings, no client appointments, no lunch breaks, no telephone calls - yes we put it through to an answering machine from 1984 (the year, not the book). During this time we all sit around the conference room table and wait to be handed our mail from DON-BOY. He has to look at each piece of mail and assign it individually to each person. SMART OLD HAG, here review this motion. INFANT, pretend you are doing something other than picking your nose. JOHN DOE, get a doctor to review this. Even the secretaries are there. Of course, they get most of the mail, because a lot of it just ends up being filed. It is at this time, and pretty much only at this time, that we get to throw in the occasional comment about a case. We have to throw it at DON-BOY because he manages everything, and he really doesn't listen unless you make him.
Incidentally, I am very good at managing DON-BOY. Others are not. This is where today's mail meeting became a little more interesting.
It was nearing the end of the day, about 4:00. The secretaries leave at 5:00, and the attorneys leave at 6:00. Everything is punctual and there is no more than half an hour give-way in the time because otherwise DON-BOY can't control our bowel movements. So DON-BOY is in his usual position, quickly scanning mail, evaluating and handing out so he doesn't have to ever think about it again. He lulls himself into a false sense that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing. I put that in boldface because I thought it warranted extreme emphasis. DON-BOY is a dumbass that knows nothing. Sorry, I can't help myself. I am bold crazy tonight.
As we were about 3/4 of the way through with the mail, I was reviewing the assignments. I have the fun job of keeping track of everyone's assignments. Usually we will go over this at the end of the mail meeting, if we have time. So we were almost done with the mail when she said it. SMART OLD HAG makes one of her off the cuff comments that cuts like a warm knife through butter.
She said that in the deposition today, SMART OLD HAG stated on the record that her attorney, DON-BOY, had helped her fill out some stupid form. At first he thought it was just another barb from SMART OLD HAG. She goes at it with him on a daily basis. He is too smart to fire her, because she is really good at her job, and she is too old to leave. They are stuck with each other. But, this cut a little deeper. It wasn't the fact that someone said that DON-BOY was an attorney. Something I think he should be more worried about. I have even told him so. But he doesn't care, he doesn't have a license. It's DON-DADDY's license on the line, and maybe even FAT GODZILLA's (at least according to him). Actually, he straddles the line, and has always stayed on the right side of it. He doesn't tell people he is an attorney, he tells them he's an office manager. It's just a matter of perception. Some people perceive things in different ways. I can understand the client's view too. I meet with DON-BOY a lot, why wouldn't I think he is my attorney. Well, did you ever think to ask? DON-BOY always makes sure that there is an attorney with him when he meets with clients. The clients usually don't know that it is the INFANT that is actually licensed.
Think of it this way, when you go to a doctor's office, you don't always know who is the doctor. Do you always know if you are even seeing a doctor. Maybe it is a physician's assistant, a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a technician, a student. You don't know unless you ask. When was the last time you asked in your doctor's office? Have you ever asked? The same applies in lawyers offices.
Further, in fairness to DON-BOY, he has been doing this a long time, and knows more than almost any lawyer I know. That is not to say that I think he is right. He could be totally open and tell every single person that he is not a lawyer. But I don't see the paralegals or the secretaries doing that either. The truth is (I know I said I wouldn't use that phrase again, but I just had to), that he acts in the same capacity as an adjuster or negotiator. The lawyers do all the legal work, court appearances, motions, etc..., and he usually does the phone call with the insurance company, or the like. It works for him and for the most part, it works okay in HELL.
Now that I got sidetracked again, I believe we were at the point in the mail meeting where SMART OLD HAG said what she said. But it really wasn't what she said - we all had heard it before. A simple client error that would be corrected in the deposition transcript. It definitely wouldn't even be questioned, but we are really good with that because DON-BOY is paranoid. He knows where his bread is buttered. It wasn't even how she said it, that sarcastic tone of superiority that she uses. She is a good attorney. I am not sure that she is a good person. She has terrible manners, smokes like a chimney, and is often rude. She used to be rude to me, but I put her in her place once, and now, we have an attorney bond of sorts.
The problem was where she said it. In the middle of the mail meeting. Everyone was there. From the top banana, all the way down the food chain to the bottom. Everyone heard this. She was openly insulting her with her tone and sarcasm, using a client's words, and stabbing him all at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had to hide my face because the instant she said it I started to smile from ear to ear. I almost thought I was going to burst out laughing. I even heard THE INFANT snicker a few times. The secretaries and paralegals all remained quiet, but I saw it on their faces too. The shock. The surprise. The delight. And of course, the silence. Silence is deadly.
Had he been a real man, he would have fired her (or had his daddy do it for him). But he had no balls (no that is not his disability - although one could say it is a disability for him). After a few seconds that lasted for hours, he retorted something that it was the SMART OLD HAG's fault for not better prepping the client. His words of course were hollow, because he was in prepping the client just as much as SMART OLD HAG and even THE INFANT. How could he not be, he has to be the mastermind of everything in HELL. So even his own comeback bit him in the ass. Another thing for my "Secrets" file. DON-BOY bit himself in the ass today, and I was there to witness it. Even better, I had nothing to do with this client or her prep yesterday because I was so busy conforming everybody's corrections and changes.
I can't wait for the mail meeting tomorrow.
First, you should understand that attorneys in HELL are not individually assigned to cases. How could DON-BOY control things if we each were permitted to run with our own files. No, we prefer to be counterproductive and do things as ass-backwards as possible. I think it has something to do with his lack of control due to being disabled. I know I told you he was in a car accident and in a wheelchair, but that was a "poetic license" I took, because I don't want you to know exactly what DON-BOY's disability is. I may tell you some day, but for right now, I don't think that it matters. It is not his disability that makes him a fool, it is he that does that all on his own.
So, we don't have individual cases, but rather, we work as a group. All cases are monitored by all involved. It is a group effort. In theory it sounds like it might work. You know, more eyes looking over documents means less mistakes in the final product. But it is more like the saying "too many cooks spoil the broth." Everyone gets involved, and it becomes a harried mess.
For instance, the other day I was working on another motion. Well DON-BOY decides that everyone should look at it. I say "fine" even though I think it is a waste of time. Eventually I am given multiple suggestions, and have to spend more time going through the changes, corrections, etc... Almost everything suggested was just a matter of style, and since I am always right, their drivel was useless. But I put some stuff in, just to appease the crowds. The main problem with this is that where it would have taken 2 or 3 hours, the process turned into a 2-3 day event. Waste, waste and more waste. We are very good at overkill in HELL, and DON-BOY is the best.
So, now you know how the office works. This is where the mail meeting comes into play. Instead of having a "status meeting", or just a "case review", we have a mail meeting. Now, this usually takes 30-45 minutes. All this time, the entire office essentially closes down - no other meetings, no client appointments, no lunch breaks, no telephone calls - yes we put it through to an answering machine from 1984 (the year, not the book). During this time we all sit around the conference room table and wait to be handed our mail from DON-BOY. He has to look at each piece of mail and assign it individually to each person. SMART OLD HAG, here review this motion. INFANT, pretend you are doing something other than picking your nose. JOHN DOE, get a doctor to review this. Even the secretaries are there. Of course, they get most of the mail, because a lot of it just ends up being filed. It is at this time, and pretty much only at this time, that we get to throw in the occasional comment about a case. We have to throw it at DON-BOY because he manages everything, and he really doesn't listen unless you make him.
Incidentally, I am very good at managing DON-BOY. Others are not. This is where today's mail meeting became a little more interesting.
It was nearing the end of the day, about 4:00. The secretaries leave at 5:00, and the attorneys leave at 6:00. Everything is punctual and there is no more than half an hour give-way in the time because otherwise DON-BOY can't control our bowel movements. So DON-BOY is in his usual position, quickly scanning mail, evaluating and handing out so he doesn't have to ever think about it again. He lulls himself into a false sense that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing. I put that in boldface because I thought it warranted extreme emphasis. DON-BOY is a dumbass that knows nothing. Sorry, I can't help myself. I am bold crazy tonight.
As we were about 3/4 of the way through with the mail, I was reviewing the assignments. I have the fun job of keeping track of everyone's assignments. Usually we will go over this at the end of the mail meeting, if we have time. So we were almost done with the mail when she said it. SMART OLD HAG makes one of her off the cuff comments that cuts like a warm knife through butter.
She said that in the deposition today, SMART OLD HAG stated on the record that her attorney, DON-BOY, had helped her fill out some stupid form. At first he thought it was just another barb from SMART OLD HAG. She goes at it with him on a daily basis. He is too smart to fire her, because she is really good at her job, and she is too old to leave. They are stuck with each other. But, this cut a little deeper. It wasn't the fact that someone said that DON-BOY was an attorney. Something I think he should be more worried about. I have even told him so. But he doesn't care, he doesn't have a license. It's DON-DADDY's license on the line, and maybe even FAT GODZILLA's (at least according to him). Actually, he straddles the line, and has always stayed on the right side of it. He doesn't tell people he is an attorney, he tells them he's an office manager. It's just a matter of perception. Some people perceive things in different ways. I can understand the client's view too. I meet with DON-BOY a lot, why wouldn't I think he is my attorney. Well, did you ever think to ask? DON-BOY always makes sure that there is an attorney with him when he meets with clients. The clients usually don't know that it is the INFANT that is actually licensed.
Think of it this way, when you go to a doctor's office, you don't always know who is the doctor. Do you always know if you are even seeing a doctor. Maybe it is a physician's assistant, a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a technician, a student. You don't know unless you ask. When was the last time you asked in your doctor's office? Have you ever asked? The same applies in lawyers offices.
Further, in fairness to DON-BOY, he has been doing this a long time, and knows more than almost any lawyer I know. That is not to say that I think he is right. He could be totally open and tell every single person that he is not a lawyer. But I don't see the paralegals or the secretaries doing that either. The truth is (I know I said I wouldn't use that phrase again, but I just had to), that he acts in the same capacity as an adjuster or negotiator. The lawyers do all the legal work, court appearances, motions, etc..., and he usually does the phone call with the insurance company, or the like. It works for him and for the most part, it works okay in HELL.
Now that I got sidetracked again, I believe we were at the point in the mail meeting where SMART OLD HAG said what she said. But it really wasn't what she said - we all had heard it before. A simple client error that would be corrected in the deposition transcript. It definitely wouldn't even be questioned, but we are really good with that because DON-BOY is paranoid. He knows where his bread is buttered. It wasn't even how she said it, that sarcastic tone of superiority that she uses. She is a good attorney. I am not sure that she is a good person. She has terrible manners, smokes like a chimney, and is often rude. She used to be rude to me, but I put her in her place once, and now, we have an attorney bond of sorts.
The problem was where she said it. In the middle of the mail meeting. Everyone was there. From the top banana, all the way down the food chain to the bottom. Everyone heard this. She was openly insulting her with her tone and sarcasm, using a client's words, and stabbing him all at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had to hide my face because the instant she said it I started to smile from ear to ear. I almost thought I was going to burst out laughing. I even heard THE INFANT snicker a few times. The secretaries and paralegals all remained quiet, but I saw it on their faces too. The shock. The surprise. The delight. And of course, the silence. Silence is deadly.
Had he been a real man, he would have fired her (or had his daddy do it for him). But he had no balls (no that is not his disability - although one could say it is a disability for him). After a few seconds that lasted for hours, he retorted something that it was the SMART OLD HAG's fault for not better prepping the client. His words of course were hollow, because he was in prepping the client just as much as SMART OLD HAG and even THE INFANT. How could he not be, he has to be the mastermind of everything in HELL. So even his own comeback bit him in the ass. Another thing for my "Secrets" file. DON-BOY bit himself in the ass today, and I was there to witness it. Even better, I had nothing to do with this client or her prep yesterday because I was so busy conforming everybody's corrections and changes.
I can't wait for the mail meeting tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS (IS THE ONE THAT RULES THE WORLD)
One of the skank-whore secretaries sleeps with clients. At least that's the rumor. I think it's true.
About 1 year ago THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a client. Mind you, she is a secretary so she gets no money, just the privilege of bringing in a client. I don't know why any of the secretaries would bring in a client, although I believe THE WEASEL might get something, maybe a performance "bonus" or something. I don't know, I don't care. I just don't understand what incentive the secretaries have to bring'em in.
However, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a friend of hers, CLIENT LOSER.
CLIENT LOSER is a real piece of work. He was speeding on a motorcycle without a helmet, driving erratically and somehow hit into the rear end of a car crossing the road at an intersection. He slid on his belly, and ripped his gut up. He got a settlement for half a million and was pissed at us for not doing enough for him. Very typical for clients to not be happy, they always think we lawyers are trying to scam them just because we are taking 1/3. Guess what, if we billed the clients for our time, which we have the right to do - instead of the 1/3, they probably couldn't afford to make payments. At a low figure of $200/hour, with an avergage of 50 hours per case (just a lowball guess) your looking at $10,000. So unless your $30,000 settlement is achieved in 50 hours or less, you lose on the deal. Yeah, we make out more on cases requiring less time, but that's our reward for the risk of taking a contingency case. Okay, thanks for letting me blow off some steam. Back to CLIENT LOSER.
So, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS took advantage. I guess she thought they wouldn't fire her while she had her hands on the strings controlling CLIENT LOSER (she was right). So she would take off days and weeks at a time. She didn't get paid because she was fairly new, but she had the job there when she wanted it, and could get all the time off she desired. Not bad. Except for the anger, animosity, and jealousy of the rest of the office.
That's how the rumor began. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is banging CLIENT LOSER. Then it started to actually fall into place. Every time THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is out of the office, either CLIENT LOSER calls, or CLIENT LOSER's WIFE. CLIENT LOSER'S WIFE is also friends with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS. Then throw into the mix THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS' HUSBAND who calls every five minutes because he doesn't have a job, and doesn't have a life. We now have a mystery brew of sex, intrigue, and retardedness.
Whether or not THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is actually banging CLIENT LOSER, who fucking cares? I don't. But nothing makes the day go by like office gossip, and she provides lots of it. She is a crappy secretary, so at least this way she provides entertainment. At least that's what they tell me.
So now the question is, where does it stop. In HELL it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with a client, steal all there money, or murder them! (yes that is for those of you that think that I might really murder someone - it's called FANTASY, or maybe it is reality - you will never know for sure - but like I said in my comment, you don't even know if any of these people are real. I am more than glad to entertain your pathetic attempts to figure out what firm I am with - I have already had guesses from around the world. I promise to tell you the truth if you guess!)
Does it stop with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS, or is there some sort of trickle down effect. Maybe the other secretaries will start to revolt. Maybe they will all take time off and start banging the clients. I know two of them that are both whore-enough to do it. Not THE WEASEL, nobody wants to tap that. Maybe I will e-mail this to my boss to see if he realizes that it is about him. DON-BOY, I know you are reading this blog right now and wondering. Well wonder no more - if you think it is you - then it is you! How and when it stops is a mystery. But I hope it goes on for a while.
About 1 year ago THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a client. Mind you, she is a secretary so she gets no money, just the privilege of bringing in a client. I don't know why any of the secretaries would bring in a client, although I believe THE WEASEL might get something, maybe a performance "bonus" or something. I don't know, I don't care. I just don't understand what incentive the secretaries have to bring'em in.
However, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS brought in a friend of hers, CLIENT LOSER.
CLIENT LOSER is a real piece of work. He was speeding on a motorcycle without a helmet, driving erratically and somehow hit into the rear end of a car crossing the road at an intersection. He slid on his belly, and ripped his gut up. He got a settlement for half a million and was pissed at us for not doing enough for him. Very typical for clients to not be happy, they always think we lawyers are trying to scam them just because we are taking 1/3. Guess what, if we billed the clients for our time, which we have the right to do - instead of the 1/3, they probably couldn't afford to make payments. At a low figure of $200/hour, with an avergage of 50 hours per case (just a lowball guess) your looking at $10,000. So unless your $30,000 settlement is achieved in 50 hours or less, you lose on the deal. Yeah, we make out more on cases requiring less time, but that's our reward for the risk of taking a contingency case. Okay, thanks for letting me blow off some steam. Back to CLIENT LOSER.
So, THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS took advantage. I guess she thought they wouldn't fire her while she had her hands on the strings controlling CLIENT LOSER (she was right). So she would take off days and weeks at a time. She didn't get paid because she was fairly new, but she had the job there when she wanted it, and could get all the time off she desired. Not bad. Except for the anger, animosity, and jealousy of the rest of the office.
That's how the rumor began. THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is banging CLIENT LOSER. Then it started to actually fall into place. Every time THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is out of the office, either CLIENT LOSER calls, or CLIENT LOSER's WIFE. CLIENT LOSER'S WIFE is also friends with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS. Then throw into the mix THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS' HUSBAND who calls every five minutes because he doesn't have a job, and doesn't have a life. We now have a mystery brew of sex, intrigue, and retardedness.
Whether or not THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS is actually banging CLIENT LOSER, who fucking cares? I don't. But nothing makes the day go by like office gossip, and she provides lots of it. She is a crappy secretary, so at least this way she provides entertainment. At least that's what they tell me.
So now the question is, where does it stop. In HELL it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with a client, steal all there money, or murder them! (yes that is for those of you that think that I might really murder someone - it's called FANTASY, or maybe it is reality - you will never know for sure - but like I said in my comment, you don't even know if any of these people are real. I am more than glad to entertain your pathetic attempts to figure out what firm I am with - I have already had guesses from around the world. I promise to tell you the truth if you guess!)
Does it stop with THE ONE THAT SLEEPS WITH CLIENTS, or is there some sort of trickle down effect. Maybe the other secretaries will start to revolt. Maybe they will all take time off and start banging the clients. I know two of them that are both whore-enough to do it. Not THE WEASEL, nobody wants to tap that. Maybe I will e-mail this to my boss to see if he realizes that it is about him. DON-BOY, I know you are reading this blog right now and wondering. Well wonder no more - if you think it is you - then it is you! How and when it stops is a mystery. But I hope it goes on for a while.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'VE BEEN PLANNING A MURDER
Today started out rather quiet. FAT GODZILLA is off all week - she took a vacation. I think her brother, DON-BOY is going to have a fit. I found out the FAT GODZILLA and DON-BOY's mother, MOM WHO THINKS SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU, had a fall over the weekend and was hospitalized. But, I found this out from DON-BOY's wife, we'll just call her CRAZY. CRAZY showed up at the end of the day to pick up DON-BOY. I think they had an appointment they were going to together, and she told me. How freakin' weird is it that I had to hear this from CRAZY and that DON-BOY didn't mention a word. Remember, this isn't one of those large corporate firms. HELL is a small firm, family-run. Everybody knows everything. And, as far as I can tell, no one else even heard about this until CRAZY let it spill. Very interesting. Something else I will have to lock away into my "Secrets" file. You know you all have one. You pile them up for a rainy day. Well, I intend to use my "Secrets" file one day, you'll see.
So, now to get on topic, I've been planning a MURDER. I know that sounds ominous, but I digress...
Ever since I started working in HELL, I've been planning the ways I could kill certain people. And, as a lawyer, the fun is not in killing them, but in planning the perfect crime, and how I will get away with it. So, I guess you could say that I've been planning a MURDER for years.
Today, being that FAT GODZILLA was not in the office, my mind was particularly able to focus on the death of DON-BOY. Now, I should tell you that DON-BOY does have a physical handicap. I will not tell you what it is (I don't want to give too much away - not yet anyway), but I will let you imagine the most horrible, hideous and grotesque disability you can imagine.
So, I picture walking next to DON-BOY, and being a larger man in every way then DON-BOY, I imagine discussing the case of the day when DON-BOY accidentally bumps into me. Well, I could use this loss of balance in my favor. I would accidentally-on purpose guide DON-BOY right down the stairs. If you can picture, my office is directly across the hall from an interior staircase. It would be the perfect accident. No one could blame me. We just collided and down he went. The flight of stairs is about 8-10 feet high, but because of his disability, he couldn't manage to stop his freefall. I picture him landing as a mangled swastika on the floor, like a pretzel. His head would snap instantly breaking his neck. His spinal cord would start to tear, but enough fibers would stay in place to allow DON-BOY to feel every ounce of pain and despair.
I thoroughly enjoy the notion that he would die almost instantly. Freedom at hand is hard to pass up. But, I might have just enough will-power to let him languish. Watching him suffer might be the cherry on top. Seeing him lay on the floor in the inevitable pile of blood and urine (assuming all things to be equal, he would have to piss himself). Just when I got to the point where I was ready to decide if and/or how he would live or die, he came into my office.
He got in and I didn't realize because I was so enthralled with my fantasy. Now he wants me to do some crap work. I am working on a motion and a cross-motion, and he wants me to track down a disability note for an asshole client. But, I will do it. I need my paycheck on Friday. I guess for now, I will be best served by imagining my own death - that final release from HELL.
So, now to get on topic, I've been planning a MURDER. I know that sounds ominous, but I digress...
Ever since I started working in HELL, I've been planning the ways I could kill certain people. And, as a lawyer, the fun is not in killing them, but in planning the perfect crime, and how I will get away with it. So, I guess you could say that I've been planning a MURDER for years.
Today, being that FAT GODZILLA was not in the office, my mind was particularly able to focus on the death of DON-BOY. Now, I should tell you that DON-BOY does have a physical handicap. I will not tell you what it is (I don't want to give too much away - not yet anyway), but I will let you imagine the most horrible, hideous and grotesque disability you can imagine.
So, I picture walking next to DON-BOY, and being a larger man in every way then DON-BOY, I imagine discussing the case of the day when DON-BOY accidentally bumps into me. Well, I could use this loss of balance in my favor. I would accidentally-on purpose guide DON-BOY right down the stairs. If you can picture, my office is directly across the hall from an interior staircase. It would be the perfect accident. No one could blame me. We just collided and down he went. The flight of stairs is about 8-10 feet high, but because of his disability, he couldn't manage to stop his freefall. I picture him landing as a mangled swastika on the floor, like a pretzel. His head would snap instantly breaking his neck. His spinal cord would start to tear, but enough fibers would stay in place to allow DON-BOY to feel every ounce of pain and despair.
I thoroughly enjoy the notion that he would die almost instantly. Freedom at hand is hard to pass up. But, I might have just enough will-power to let him languish. Watching him suffer might be the cherry on top. Seeing him lay on the floor in the inevitable pile of blood and urine (assuming all things to be equal, he would have to piss himself). Just when I got to the point where I was ready to decide if and/or how he would live or die, he came into my office.
He got in and I didn't realize because I was so enthralled with my fantasy. Now he wants me to do some crap work. I am working on a motion and a cross-motion, and he wants me to track down a disability note for an asshole client. But, I will do it. I need my paycheck on Friday. I guess for now, I will be best served by imagining my own death - that final release from HELL.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
WEASEL PART II - RETURN OF THE WEASEL
The reason for this post is simple. If you read the last post, the one about THE WEASEL, then you know how I feel about the office tattletail. Just thought you would like to know that I heard from THE WEASEL this weekend. She was trying to get a group together to play cards. Luckily I had a valid excuse and was away for Father's Day Weekend.
I just want for you to know that THE WEASEL is always working her angles. Even though it is the weekend, time doesn't stand still for THE WEASEL. You must remain vigilant. You must stand strong and protect yourself from THE WEASEL at all times.
I know that I said you should keep your friends close, but keep THE WEASEL closer, but that definitely does not apply to all of your spare time. You must separate yourself (at least sometimes) from HELL. You have to weigh out the need to keep THE WEASEL close with the need to keep your own sanity.
I just want for you to know that THE WEASEL is always working her angles. Even though it is the weekend, time doesn't stand still for THE WEASEL. You must remain vigilant. You must stand strong and protect yourself from THE WEASEL at all times.
I know that I said you should keep your friends close, but keep THE WEASEL closer, but that definitely does not apply to all of your spare time. You must separate yourself (at least sometimes) from HELL. You have to weigh out the need to keep THE WEASEL close with the need to keep your own sanity.
Friday, June 13, 2008
THE WEASEL
Let me tell you about THE WEASEL. THE WEASEL is the first other employee that I am going to tell you about. She is not a member of the FAMILY. However, she thinks she is.
Truth be told (I hate when people say that - "No, I'd prefer you lie to me." - I'll try not to do that anymore... Actually, THE WEASEL and I are somewhat friends. We are the two employees that have been in HELL the longest. However, that is a bit misleading, because while I've been in HELL for 7 years, THE WEASEL has been in HELL for more than 20 years.
I like THE WEASEL, as do most people. I guess that's her charm. She is very nice to you - well, to your face anyway. I call her THE WEASEL because she is still a rodent. She will pretend to be your friend every step of the way, but will run back to the FAMILY and tell them everything. She is a spy. She has no backbone. She toes the company line. I don't even think she knows she is THE WEASEL, it just comes so damn naturally to her.
THE WEASEL has on more than one occasion been to my home. No one else that I work with has ever been to my house. She will come over with her husband for social visits. We play cards. Go to graduations. Other family functions. Just like real friends. But I always must stay vigilant. It easy to forget. But once a WEASEL, always a WEASEL.
I found out that she was a WEASEL a few years ago, on two separate occasions. The first time was blatant WEASELRY. I was in my office, and quietly walked out to the secretarial area - oh yeah the WEASEL is a secretary - not that that makes a difference. I am not one of those elitist better than you attorneys - although I probably am better than you (insert laugh). So, I went walking out into the secretarial area and I was on one side of a wall. She couldn't see me standing there talking to someone else. I overheard her say something disparaging about me. She obviously didn't know I was there, because she is not the type for sarcasm. She is truly without wit. But, I popped my head around and said something to let her know I was standing there, and that she should basically shut the fuck up. She did, and about 15-20 minutes later, she came crawling into my office on her hands and knees and started to pull a Hillary. I'm sorry, I mean that she started to cry. Right there in my office. She didn't even have the courage to explain herself.
When I think now about what she said, I really can't remember. It was a simple disagreement which she made personal. Had she at least defended herself, I could respect that. I've had lots of people call me an ass hole, and I probably deserved it. I may have even deserved whatever THE WEASEL said, but I just don't remember. What I do remember is that she said it to other co-workers, which was very unprofessional, and she did it while still under the guise of being my friend. Eventually I let her off the hook, about a week or two later. But I don't forget these things. I may forget the details, but I don't forget that they happened.
Her next trip into THE LAND OF WEASEL was one that I probably would never have known about, had she been smart enough to erase her private computer file from the company directory. First, who saves things on the company computer. If you read my last post you know we are watched at every move. Well, I went into her directory, innocently looking for a file that I needed for the office. We all have access to each other's directories for these reasons. Well I go in, and I find a memo detailing my movements in the office. She was preparing a memo for DON-BOY about what time I got in, if I was 10 or 15 minutes late here. If I was late coming back from lunch.
I was so pissed when I found this. So, I did what any normal person would do. I told everyone. I printed out the memo, and circulated it amongst all other employees and non-FAMILY members. I let them know exactly who we were dealing with. Eventually the memo was deleted, either because she didn't want it on the company directory anymore - like because she finally handed it in, or, and what I believe to be more likely, it got back to her. That's what I hope happened. Not that I care what the FAMILY thinks of my occasional lateness, etc... I more than make up for it timewise, and besides, now, we have timecards - yes even the salaried attorneys. (Don't get me started, just refer to the Internet/E-mail post.)
So, now you now why THE WEASEL is a WEASEL. Today she was overly friendly to me. She even asked me if my wife and I wanted to come to her house. Well, I might just do that. I follow the old saying, "Keep your friends close, and keep your WEASELS even closer!!"
Thursday, June 12, 2008
NO INTERNET, NO E-MAIL, BUT HEY, AT LEAST HE WATCHES EVERY MOVE WE MAKE ON THE COMPUTER
Okay, so I have a bone to pick. As you will see, that is what I do best.
Yes, you read the title right. My 21st Century Law office does not have e-mail capability. Likewise, we don't have internet access. Well I should say we have very very very limited internet access. When we first got these computers a few years ago, and stopped using the old Unix word processor from 1912, DON-BOY's paranoia went into overdrive. He decided that e-mail is just too scary of a proposition. People could actually contact the outside world, and "oh my god" they might even e-mail something that is not business related. Voila - No e-mails.
Internet is a whole other story. For a while, we were allowed to have internet access. Then the bugs started. He blamed every problem with every computer on the internet sites the employees were visiting. I thought it was much more likely that we would get a virus from one of those pornographic or scam e-mails he would open (pretending all the while he didn't have e-mail access like the rest of us). No, he decided an employee paying a bill online was where the bugs were coming from. Like Visa or Mastercard doesn't have up to date filtering software. So he decides in the modern world of legal thinking (don't forget he's not even a fucking lawyer), that we will go without the internet. No search engines. No Google. Nada.
We do have access to Westlaw, which is the only site we can access without boundaries (of course other than the crap plan that they pay for, but hey at least it's not the books. But Google. Seriously, who doesn't use Google. This makes the office crazy. Of course we have our little secrets. I use my i-phone. Some others use their cells, Blackberrys, whatever. But we have to be careful, because cell phone use is not allowed either. A lot of us do the searches at home, but we loathe it because it is not on their time. However, it makes our jobs easier, so we adjust.
Finally, there is the spying problem. DON-BOY is so anal, that he makes sure to watch us from home. I don't know what he thinks we can do without e-mail, or internet. Hell, he even had the games removed from everyones computer - wasting too much time. Once FAT GODZILLA printed out me playing solitaire. She printed about 5 pages. I was taking a break, and that turned into an office melodrama.
They are so dumb, because you know productivity slows down because people can't take a break. You know, come think of it, I should complain. Half the office goes out for a cigarette break, and I don't. Maybe I should say I want my computer games back, or I will go out for cigarette breaks like everyone else. What's fair is fair. But, I don't want to piss off the smokers. God knows they could go on a Nicotine rampage and go postal!
So, let me know if any of you out there have similar problems in your office. I would appreciate all of your comments.
Yes, you read the title right. My 21st Century Law office does not have e-mail capability. Likewise, we don't have internet access. Well I should say we have very very very limited internet access. When we first got these computers a few years ago, and stopped using the old Unix word processor from 1912, DON-BOY's paranoia went into overdrive. He decided that e-mail is just too scary of a proposition. People could actually contact the outside world, and "oh my god" they might even e-mail something that is not business related. Voila - No e-mails.
Internet is a whole other story. For a while, we were allowed to have internet access. Then the bugs started. He blamed every problem with every computer on the internet sites the employees were visiting. I thought it was much more likely that we would get a virus from one of those pornographic or scam e-mails he would open (pretending all the while he didn't have e-mail access like the rest of us). No, he decided an employee paying a bill online was where the bugs were coming from. Like Visa or Mastercard doesn't have up to date filtering software. So he decides in the modern world of legal thinking (don't forget he's not even a fucking lawyer), that we will go without the internet. No search engines. No Google. Nada.
We do have access to Westlaw, which is the only site we can access without boundaries (of course other than the crap plan that they pay for, but hey at least it's not the books. But Google. Seriously, who doesn't use Google. This makes the office crazy. Of course we have our little secrets. I use my i-phone. Some others use their cells, Blackberrys, whatever. But we have to be careful, because cell phone use is not allowed either. A lot of us do the searches at home, but we loathe it because it is not on their time. However, it makes our jobs easier, so we adjust.
Finally, there is the spying problem. DON-BOY is so anal, that he makes sure to watch us from home. I don't know what he thinks we can do without e-mail, or internet. Hell, he even had the games removed from everyones computer - wasting too much time. Once FAT GODZILLA printed out me playing solitaire. She printed about 5 pages. I was taking a break, and that turned into an office melodrama.
They are so dumb, because you know productivity slows down because people can't take a break. You know, come think of it, I should complain. Half the office goes out for a cigarette break, and I don't. Maybe I should say I want my computer games back, or I will go out for cigarette breaks like everyone else. What's fair is fair. But, I don't want to piss off the smokers. God knows they could go on a Nicotine rampage and go postal!
So, let me know if any of you out there have similar problems in your office. I would appreciate all of your comments.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
FAT GODZILLA - Friend or Foe?
Today was somewhat better. HELL (my firm) is usually a nice place - that is whenever the FAMILY is not around. When the FAMILY gets in (anywhere between 9:30 am - for the least important FAMILY member - her name is GODZILLA THE FAT) to around 12:00 noon - for the more important ones - i.e. DON BOY. DON DAD rarely comes in anymore. I think they probably have him strapped to a gurney somewhere with a morphine drip.
FAT GODZILLA is usually very friendly. She tries to be the "friend" type of boss. You know the one that always is there for you. She is usually your friend about 80% of the time. The other 20& she is your "boss", asking stupid, nonsensical questions. Once again, she is your friend and tries to get your "advice" on everything, when really she is just trying to spy on you. Actually, the story on FAT GODZILLA goes a little deeper...
FAT GODZILLA never really wanted to be an attorney. She had another career for years before coming around to the dark side. She worked as an aspiring artist - with some sort of textile. She always claims that she was very good at it. She was very much the hippie-type. Burning incense. All that spiritual/holistic bullshit. I guess it works for her, or she thinks it does.
So, FAT GODZILLA was happy with her whole life, all the while DON DAD is teaching DON BOY the ropes at the law office. DON BOY doesn't tell DON DAD that he doesn't want to do it, but he learns the ropes as a back-up. Well it is a good thing he did. DON BOY was severely injured in a bad car accident, and ended up in a wheelchair for life. So, he was stuck with the FAMILY business.
FAT GODZILLA, felt loads of guilt that her brother DON BOY was injured, and in a self-sacrificing gesture - you guessed it - she comes home to help the FAMILY. (Of course, the real reason is that she wants the FAMILY to look at her as the good, doting daughter because she lacks something - probably because the FAMILY always praised DON BOY and ignored FAT GODZILLA, but again, I digress.)
FAT GODZILLA went to law school, took and passed the bar, and became a practicing attorney. The FAMILY really forced her to do this (not that she would ever admit it - except for when she is so pissed at them she comes crying to me with nobody else willing to listen). But, she did it, and there she is. FAT GODZILLA, Attorney and Counselor at Law.
Moving on, FAT GODZILLA is usually very nice, but today she had some hemorrhoids or something and was unusually grouchy. I heard her secretary threaten to quit to at least three different people (on 3 separate occasions), but I think she was just looking for sympathy. FAT GODZILLA apparently needed to vent, so her secretary got the brunt of it.
The problem with every member of the FAMILY is that they think they are owed something. It's kind of like they just "expect" people to do things for them. Not for any reason. We, the world, just owe them, the FAMILY. They have not earned anything, but they still believe they have it coming to them. So when FAT GODZILLA speaks, you just want to choke her.
Some more helpful background information: Although FAT GODZILLA is very book smart (she did pass the bar exam after all), she is not very people smart. She has horrid social skills, she burps in the middle of conversations and does not asked to be excused. Her office and her car are a total mess - and I mean a disaster - literally like a bomb went off. Worst of all, she is not the best lawyer out there. I guess she is pretty good with doing minor real estate deals, wills, and the other general practice areas. But our firm is 98% devoted to plaintiff's personal injury work. She has been at HELL in a professional capacity for the past 10-15 years, and she still can't even find anything in the file.
So she is technically my "boss". DON DAD comes down on DON BOY for less than expected profits. DON BOY in turn comes down on FAT GODZILLA. FAT GODZILLA comes down on her secretary. But, in an effort to prove DON BOY wrong, FAT GODZILLA tries to learn about the P.I. business by taking a file and trying to work it. She ends up wasting my time with a million dumb ass questions, not really learning anything, and trying to show she's in charge. All along she just wastes everyone's time - especially mine, and still is a twit.
But, what makes it worse, is when DON BOY comes down on everyone in the office, he pretends like FAT GODZILLA needs to learn the P.I. side. He feels like she is taking advantage by not pulling her own weight (PUN INTENDED!!). He makes a fool of her around the office, in front of the employees, and screams at her constantly. He curses at her behind closed door, without the doors being closed, on the phone, anywhere. You name it and he has done it to her. I even once witnessed throw a telephone at her. A god damn telephone. I am not talking about a cell phone or an i-phone. I mean a full size Merlin-style phone with multiple lines. And what does FAT GODZILLA do?
Nothing.
She does nothing because she still has the residual guilt that her brother is in a wheelchair. So who has to take up the ass? You guessed it! Me and the other PEONS.
So where in HELL and she comes in to my office to collect $3.00 from each person for a secretary's birthday cake and card. Do you believe it? They collect money from us for a firm birthday party. I mean come on. Why they can't spring for the cake like every other company is beyond me. But to top it off -- they give us 10-15 minutes to wolf down a piece of cake and celebrate the birthday. They are actually making us pay them for our "time off". It's absurd. And FAT GODZILLA has nothing better to do than to personally come around, collect the money, go buy the cake and the card (of course it was a HALLMARK CARD THAT PLAYS MUSIC). Her secretary told me she has loads of work that is backed up but she ignores it. Maybe that is her way at getting back at the FAMILY, just like this blog is my own personal score - my own raging against the machine. But as long as she continues to cooperate and not stand up for herself (or the rest of us), she is just a dirty little cog-whore part of the system that is HELL.
I understand that it is hard to stand up to your family. I am sure it is even harder to stand up when you have the obstacle of a disabled brother, who always took the spotlight before, and now by reason of his disability gets the spotlight more. However, sometimes there is right and there is wrong. FAT GODZILLA chooses to stay on the side of wrong. Even if she hates them behind the scenes, she keeps shouting the "company line" at us. She gets sympathy from a few of the secretaries for the way she is abused - physically and emotionally, by her family. I feel bad for half-a-second, but I feel worse that i had to deal with her issues - I have enough of my own and work is not a place for her family squabbles.
So, I say "fuck it, and fuck her!" She deserves to be abused for not having grown a backbone, and for being such a pathetic loser who blames all of her problems on society. That's why she can't get a boyfriend. Not because she's fat (which she is), or because her nose hairs are longer than that guy in the Guinness Book. It's because any guy would walk all over her (before he realizes what he was stuck with and pokes out his own eyes like Oedipus (I think).) I know I will probably go to hell for saying that, but since I am already in HELL every workday, what's the difference?
f
FAT GODZILLA is usually very friendly. She tries to be the "friend" type of boss. You know the one that always is there for you. She is usually your friend about 80% of the time. The other 20& she is your "boss", asking stupid, nonsensical questions. Once again, she is your friend and tries to get your "advice" on everything, when really she is just trying to spy on you. Actually, the story on FAT GODZILLA goes a little deeper...
FAT GODZILLA never really wanted to be an attorney. She had another career for years before coming around to the dark side. She worked as an aspiring artist - with some sort of textile. She always claims that she was very good at it. She was very much the hippie-type. Burning incense. All that spiritual/holistic bullshit. I guess it works for her, or she thinks it does.
So, FAT GODZILLA was happy with her whole life, all the while DON DAD is teaching DON BOY the ropes at the law office. DON BOY doesn't tell DON DAD that he doesn't want to do it, but he learns the ropes as a back-up. Well it is a good thing he did. DON BOY was severely injured in a bad car accident, and ended up in a wheelchair for life. So, he was stuck with the FAMILY business.
FAT GODZILLA, felt loads of guilt that her brother DON BOY was injured, and in a self-sacrificing gesture - you guessed it - she comes home to help the FAMILY. (Of course, the real reason is that she wants the FAMILY to look at her as the good, doting daughter because she lacks something - probably because the FAMILY always praised DON BOY and ignored FAT GODZILLA, but again, I digress.)
FAT GODZILLA went to law school, took and passed the bar, and became a practicing attorney. The FAMILY really forced her to do this (not that she would ever admit it - except for when she is so pissed at them she comes crying to me with nobody else willing to listen). But, she did it, and there she is. FAT GODZILLA, Attorney and Counselor at Law.
Moving on, FAT GODZILLA is usually very nice, but today she had some hemorrhoids or something and was unusually grouchy. I heard her secretary threaten to quit to at least three different people (on 3 separate occasions), but I think she was just looking for sympathy. FAT GODZILLA apparently needed to vent, so her secretary got the brunt of it.
The problem with every member of the FAMILY is that they think they are owed something. It's kind of like they just "expect" people to do things for them. Not for any reason. We, the world, just owe them, the FAMILY. They have not earned anything, but they still believe they have it coming to them. So when FAT GODZILLA speaks, you just want to choke her.
Some more helpful background information: Although FAT GODZILLA is very book smart (she did pass the bar exam after all), she is not very people smart. She has horrid social skills, she burps in the middle of conversations and does not asked to be excused. Her office and her car are a total mess - and I mean a disaster - literally like a bomb went off. Worst of all, she is not the best lawyer out there. I guess she is pretty good with doing minor real estate deals, wills, and the other general practice areas. But our firm is 98% devoted to plaintiff's personal injury work. She has been at HELL in a professional capacity for the past 10-15 years, and she still can't even find anything in the file.
So she is technically my "boss". DON DAD comes down on DON BOY for less than expected profits. DON BOY in turn comes down on FAT GODZILLA. FAT GODZILLA comes down on her secretary. But, in an effort to prove DON BOY wrong, FAT GODZILLA tries to learn about the P.I. business by taking a file and trying to work it. She ends up wasting my time with a million dumb ass questions, not really learning anything, and trying to show she's in charge. All along she just wastes everyone's time - especially mine, and still is a twit.
But, what makes it worse, is when DON BOY comes down on everyone in the office, he pretends like FAT GODZILLA needs to learn the P.I. side. He feels like she is taking advantage by not pulling her own weight (PUN INTENDED!!). He makes a fool of her around the office, in front of the employees, and screams at her constantly. He curses at her behind closed door, without the doors being closed, on the phone, anywhere. You name it and he has done it to her. I even once witnessed throw a telephone at her. A god damn telephone. I am not talking about a cell phone or an i-phone. I mean a full size Merlin-style phone with multiple lines. And what does FAT GODZILLA do?
Nothing.
She does nothing because she still has the residual guilt that her brother is in a wheelchair. So who has to take up the ass? You guessed it! Me and the other PEONS.
So where in HELL and she comes in to my office to collect $3.00 from each person for a secretary's birthday cake and card. Do you believe it? They collect money from us for a firm birthday party. I mean come on. Why they can't spring for the cake like every other company is beyond me. But to top it off -- they give us 10-15 minutes to wolf down a piece of cake and celebrate the birthday. They are actually making us pay them for our "time off". It's absurd. And FAT GODZILLA has nothing better to do than to personally come around, collect the money, go buy the cake and the card (of course it was a HALLMARK CARD THAT PLAYS MUSIC). Her secretary told me she has loads of work that is backed up but she ignores it. Maybe that is her way at getting back at the FAMILY, just like this blog is my own personal score - my own raging against the machine. But as long as she continues to cooperate and not stand up for herself (or the rest of us), she is just a dirty little cog-whore part of the system that is HELL.
I understand that it is hard to stand up to your family. I am sure it is even harder to stand up when you have the obstacle of a disabled brother, who always took the spotlight before, and now by reason of his disability gets the spotlight more. However, sometimes there is right and there is wrong. FAT GODZILLA chooses to stay on the side of wrong. Even if she hates them behind the scenes, she keeps shouting the "company line" at us. She gets sympathy from a few of the secretaries for the way she is abused - physically and emotionally, by her family. I feel bad for half-a-second, but I feel worse that i had to deal with her issues - I have enough of my own and work is not a place for her family squabbles.
So, I say "fuck it, and fuck her!" She deserves to be abused for not having grown a backbone, and for being such a pathetic loser who blames all of her problems on society. That's why she can't get a boyfriend. Not because she's fat (which she is), or because her nose hairs are longer than that guy in the Guinness Book. It's because any guy would walk all over her (before he realizes what he was stuck with and pokes out his own eyes like Oedipus (I think).) I know I will probably go to hell for saying that, but since I am already in HELL every workday, what's the difference?
f
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
INSULT
Being a "non-FAMILY" member, or "PEON", I expect to be insulted by members of the FAMILY on a regular basis.
Today, my OFFICE MANAGER insulted me on a whole new level. For privacy purposes let's call him DON-BOY. DON-BOY is the son of DON-DADDY, the named owner of the firm. DON-BOY thinks he is an attorney, but he is not. He is just a lowlife office manager that needs to leech off of other people to get things done. Incidentally, I think I see a pattern that I attract these people in my life (people that are dependent on me to do their work). I will have to talk to my SHRINK about that.
Moving on. DON-BOY does have years of experience acting as a "negotiator" of sorts on cases, but he must always defer to an attorney. The problem is, DON-DADDY has given DON-BOY full authority to control the way the office is run. DON-DADDY is available, but basically just rubber stamps everything DON-BOY says or does. I am sure this is a problem that many of you have, but the dynamic of the FAMILY causes this problem to be out of control. For instance, imagine you are at work and your spouse constantly tells your secretary how to type a brief. Maybe your spouse does have some understanding, but your secretary is gonna get pissed real fast.
Okay, so I have been rambling on and I still haven't gotten to the insult. DON-BOY was in a meeting with me today. We were with two other attorneys (SMART OLD HAG & THE INFANT). We were reviewing a brief that I prepared for grammar problems, clerical errors, and any suggestions. This is part and parcel of our practice, and we do it intentionally to help weed out the problems that always pop up because we are so busy.
So THE INFANT gives one minor suggestion - no problem. He's been at the firm for less than 6 months, so we don't let him say anything anyway.
Next, SMART OLD HAG gives some worthwhile suggestions, and we discuss the same. Here's where the insult comes in. DON-BOY, in his everlasting quest to be "smart", says that he agrees with SMART OLD HAG, and asks her if she wants to make the changes. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but this is my baby. To SMART OLD HAG's credit, she immediately said that I could and should do it, and I immediately and simultaneously said the same thing. He backed down right away, but I am tired of his nonsense. This non-attorney is now trying to tell me how to practice. No f-in way!! Next time I am going to skip the review step and just serve my motion/response and see what he can do about it.
Besides, my own practice is growing. Can't wait to tell him what he and the FAMILY can do with their crap job! Well, alas, it is very late again. I will try to remeber to update this blog more often, and to follow-up on what I said I would reply to.
-John Doe, Esq.
Today, my OFFICE MANAGER insulted me on a whole new level. For privacy purposes let's call him DON-BOY. DON-BOY is the son of DON-DADDY, the named owner of the firm. DON-BOY thinks he is an attorney, but he is not. He is just a lowlife office manager that needs to leech off of other people to get things done. Incidentally, I think I see a pattern that I attract these people in my life (people that are dependent on me to do their work). I will have to talk to my SHRINK about that.
Moving on. DON-BOY does have years of experience acting as a "negotiator" of sorts on cases, but he must always defer to an attorney. The problem is, DON-DADDY has given DON-BOY full authority to control the way the office is run. DON-DADDY is available, but basically just rubber stamps everything DON-BOY says or does. I am sure this is a problem that many of you have, but the dynamic of the FAMILY causes this problem to be out of control. For instance, imagine you are at work and your spouse constantly tells your secretary how to type a brief. Maybe your spouse does have some understanding, but your secretary is gonna get pissed real fast.
Okay, so I have been rambling on and I still haven't gotten to the insult. DON-BOY was in a meeting with me today. We were with two other attorneys (SMART OLD HAG & THE INFANT). We were reviewing a brief that I prepared for grammar problems, clerical errors, and any suggestions. This is part and parcel of our practice, and we do it intentionally to help weed out the problems that always pop up because we are so busy.
So THE INFANT gives one minor suggestion - no problem. He's been at the firm for less than 6 months, so we don't let him say anything anyway.
Next, SMART OLD HAG gives some worthwhile suggestions, and we discuss the same. Here's where the insult comes in. DON-BOY, in his everlasting quest to be "smart", says that he agrees with SMART OLD HAG, and asks her if she wants to make the changes. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but this is my baby. To SMART OLD HAG's credit, she immediately said that I could and should do it, and I immediately and simultaneously said the same thing. He backed down right away, but I am tired of his nonsense. This non-attorney is now trying to tell me how to practice. No f-in way!! Next time I am going to skip the review step and just serve my motion/response and see what he can do about it.
Besides, my own practice is growing. Can't wait to tell him what he and the FAMILY can do with their crap job! Well, alas, it is very late again. I will try to remeber to update this blog more often, and to follow-up on what I said I would reply to.
-John Doe, Esq.
Monday, June 9, 2008
FIRST BLOG EVER - PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER WORKING IN A FAMILY-RUN FIRM
Hello. My name is John Doe, Esq. I am a relatively young attorney. I work in a small, plaintiff's personal injury firm, and I am looking for a place to vent. I will try not to reveal too much identifying information, but I will be glad to let you figure out who I am, if you think you can.
I have been working at this same firm for more than 7 years, and I prefer the idea of stabbing myself in the eye with a dull shank made out of a toothbrush - you know the ones - like you see on those "prison" television programs - rather than having to stay at my current firm for another second. But, I digress...
The firm I currently work at is a family owned firm with less than 10 lawyers. I am not a family member, so no matter how hard I work, I will always be a peon. Of course when I started working there, I was promised the world, and I was naive enough to believe their promises. What an asshole I was.
As the years have passed, I have learned the business well. That is one thing I must give some credit to the FAMILY for (but not a lot). It really is a lot like the mafia. We have the BOSS, with his children acting as the CAPTAINS, and then the rest of us. The other attorneys, paralegals, secretaries, receptionists, and even the office handyman. We are all the same. We work for the FAMILY, but we will never be "made".
The funny part is that I always hear about other lawyers in big firms and the hierarchy of power. The truth is that in my firm, the lawyers are really only needed to sign the documents, and the real power comes from below. Nevertheless, all employees are just employees and will never be anything more to the FAMILY.
So, you may ask, how do I cope. Easy, I perform sabotage. I don't mean to say that I would interfere with a client/representation - I know the boundaries and believe myself to be quite ethical. However, I know that I CANNOT STAY ANOTHER FUCKING SECOND. That thought just keeps on creeping into my mind. My sabotage comes by playing head games. Maybe in my next post I will go into more depth about the head games, but it is getting late now.
I hope this is a good start for a blog. I got the idea to blog bassed on having just read the book "Anonymous Lawyer". Having read that book, I liked some of the ideas of being able to speak your mind, anonymously - something you can rarely do as an attorney. I think I want to take that author's idea, and mold it into something so other attorneys, paralegals, secretarys, etc... can also have a place to vent - by reading and joing in. My goal is to focus on the needs of the small P.I. firms, family firms, etc..., and blast them. Plus, like any good attorney with a healthy ego (like me), I think I can do a better job than illustrated by the book. I have to go check his blog out too (if you want the site, you will have to read the book - I am not looking to promote the book, or the site, so you can do your own leg work).
Oh, I also should tell you that I have secretly started taking new clients on my own. But of course only those that come to me (I wouldn't dare poach a client - even if I do dream about it sometimes). But this information is for another day.
Please comment as much as you would like, as I intend to update this Blog as much as possible. It is however difficult as we do not have internet or e-mail access at my firm (no, I am not kidding!).
-John Doe, Esq.
I have been working at this same firm for more than 7 years, and I prefer the idea of stabbing myself in the eye with a dull shank made out of a toothbrush - you know the ones - like you see on those "prison" television programs - rather than having to stay at my current firm for another second. But, I digress...
The firm I currently work at is a family owned firm with less than 10 lawyers. I am not a family member, so no matter how hard I work, I will always be a peon. Of course when I started working there, I was promised the world, and I was naive enough to believe their promises. What an asshole I was.
As the years have passed, I have learned the business well. That is one thing I must give some credit to the FAMILY for (but not a lot). It really is a lot like the mafia. We have the BOSS, with his children acting as the CAPTAINS, and then the rest of us. The other attorneys, paralegals, secretaries, receptionists, and even the office handyman. We are all the same. We work for the FAMILY, but we will never be "made".
The funny part is that I always hear about other lawyers in big firms and the hierarchy of power. The truth is that in my firm, the lawyers are really only needed to sign the documents, and the real power comes from below. Nevertheless, all employees are just employees and will never be anything more to the FAMILY.
So, you may ask, how do I cope. Easy, I perform sabotage. I don't mean to say that I would interfere with a client/representation - I know the boundaries and believe myself to be quite ethical. However, I know that I CANNOT STAY ANOTHER FUCKING SECOND. That thought just keeps on creeping into my mind. My sabotage comes by playing head games. Maybe in my next post I will go into more depth about the head games, but it is getting late now.
I hope this is a good start for a blog. I got the idea to blog bassed on having just read the book "Anonymous Lawyer". Having read that book, I liked some of the ideas of being able to speak your mind, anonymously - something you can rarely do as an attorney. I think I want to take that author's idea, and mold it into something so other attorneys, paralegals, secretarys, etc... can also have a place to vent - by reading and joing in. My goal is to focus on the needs of the small P.I. firms, family firms, etc..., and blast them. Plus, like any good attorney with a healthy ego (like me), I think I can do a better job than illustrated by the book. I have to go check his blog out too (if you want the site, you will have to read the book - I am not looking to promote the book, or the site, so you can do your own leg work).
Oh, I also should tell you that I have secretly started taking new clients on my own. But of course only those that come to me (I wouldn't dare poach a client - even if I do dream about it sometimes). But this information is for another day.
Please comment as much as you would like, as I intend to update this Blog as much as possible. It is however difficult as we do not have internet or e-mail access at my firm (no, I am not kidding!).
-John Doe, Esq.
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