WHAT TO DO WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO DO

In most other offices, you have the Internet, E-mail, Colleagues, or even Solitaire. In HELL we have to become a little more creative.

We all have our ways. I know the smokers take extra-long breaks. THE DOMINATRIX does her bills when she thinks no one else is looking. BINGO BETTY does work on her side business (guess what it has to do with?!?) THE INFANT picks his nose. FAT GODZILLA hides in the bathroom, closes her door pretending to have clients and reads magazines. DON-BOY just goes online - of course he has Internet and e-mail. But no one knows what I do.

Of course, they all think they know what I am doing because I have made it fairly obvious that I have an "I-phone". I used to have a Blackberry, but my I-phone is just so much better. So everyone thinks that when I need a break I go on my I-phone, do e-mails, Internet, the works. I do some of it, just to keep the ruse afloat. I even have this trick that when I hear people coming (my office is in the back, well secluded from the rest of the peons), I quick reach for my desk drawer and move it around. Most people usually give that knowing smile, or a quick "wink". It is also easy to do because I eat breakfast and my chocolate snacks out of that drawer. However, I must admit that most of the time I am doing something else.

My plan is simple - get the biggest reaction. I like to stir the pot. I like to cause trouble when nothing is going on. Plain and simple. I am a troublemaker, and I am damn good at it.

For instance, I do little things that I know will annoy other people. I know FAT GODZILLA likes to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. She had that plastic band put around her stomach in her futile effort to lose a couple thousand pounds. Well, I know she likes to read in the bathroom. I also know that she is a "pack rat" and a slob. She can never put things away. I also know that FAT GODZILLA's slovenliness and pack rat qualities drive THE DOMINATRIX crazy. She goes over the edge. So here's what I do...

Every time after FAT GODZILLA uses "our bathroom", the one everyone else uses, I make sure to go in there within the next 15-20 minutes after her. Of course I am not gross, nor am I a pervert. But what I do is I make sure to bring in something. A newspaper. A magazine, Anything, it doesn't matter what. So, I take something and shove it under the sink. It is hilarious. Especially because one of the doors under the sink doesn't close all the way. So there is this huge mess, and I know that THE DOMINATRIX must be going bonkers. I just found out yesterday that THE DOMINATRIX totally blames FAT GODZILLA for this mess. It is fantastic. A delightful little bit of fun that never hurt anyone.

I do this frequently, and the goal is to get bigger and better, all the while never getting caught. My problem is, I have been wanting to get really big. I am looking to pull off the "prank-of-all-pranks". I have been given some suggestions by you guys out there. One person suggested pulling off a total control maneuver -where I would take control of the office, using FAT GODZILLA as a puppet. Not a bad idea. But I don't really want control of HELL. I want control of the entire world. Besides, I need something to do when I am bored, but eventually I will be leaving HELL. I cannot consider taking it over. But I am definitely open to suggestions.

Please let me know what pranks you think I should do. I will post the best one, and of course, I will try it out and let you know how it works. HELL hath no fury like a bored attorney.