5000 VOLTS

Quick story about 5000 VOLTS. "5V" as I like to refer to him is one of our fun clients. He was referred to me by a friend, so I was kind of obligated to take the case. What a loser (both the case and the client). 5V was severely shocked (thus the name) by some faulty electrical equipment while at work. It should have killed him. Unfortunately it didn't. He complains of memory loss, but he's a client, probably lying. I'll get more into that in a few. He is suing the company he was working for - he was an independent contractor for this company, and he is alleging negligence, defective product design, defective product manufacture, unsafe working conditions...the whole kit and kaboodle.

Well, we take the case, get into a whole bunch of litigation (basically just paperwork back and forth), and have depositions. Well at the deposition we get the "bombshell" moment. Turns out our client is an in-the-closet junkee. Heroine, crack, cocaine, crystal meth - the whole nine yards.

Please know that this should not be a surprise. Most attorneys know that their client's lie to them all the time. Even with attorney-client privilege, must people are just too embarrassed to tell the whole truth. So usually we get a truth that is skewed to reflect the client in a "favorable light." Unfortunately, when we say we need the whole truth - that is just what we mean. When a client doesn't tell us about his habit of doing lines in the bathroom, or fucking every woman that he knows, sometimes it turns around and bites us, and in turn him/herself right between the legs.

So, 5V screwed us over. We have tactics for this too. We may try to destroy the defendant's credibility. We may try to have the evidence kicked on a technicality. I am definitely not above that, and suggest technicalities wherever possible. You hire me to be a "zealous advocate". I am going to try to find every loophole. People think that "zealous" only counts for criminal attorneys, but that law is on my side. I will do everything legally in my power to get my client money. That's how I get paid. Yes, it is about the Benjamins. Sometimes it is about the client, but usually not. I work for money. I am a prostitute. I am okay with it.

In law school, I had such high ambitions. I was going to be a prosecutor. I was going to put all of the criminal trash behind bars where it belongs. That dream died with 1L orientation. Then I was going to be a corporate lawyer. I would negotiate huge business deals for mega-clients. Unfortunately, I live about two hours away from the next big city. So I would be facing a big commute. Oh and those corporate lawyers have no life. I mean "no" life. Billable hours. 2500 hours a year. Not for me. So I kind of fell into personal injury. I fell into it, but I also fell into love with it. No turning back.

Back to 5V - tomorrow I have a deposition. For those of you that are not familiar with law practice, we go to court very rarely. A deposition is usually the next best thing. I get a chance to question the other side, while they get a chance to question my client. However, tomorrow, I have to do some damage control. We already did 5V's deposition, like I said above. Plaintiff's always go first. Then we did defendant's deposition - pretty straight forward - no real help. Tomorrow, the defendant's attorneys want to question 5V's employer. The problem is, I don't know how much the employer knows. Won't talk to me. Won't talk to my investigator. 5V doesn't know, but hell he was probably on crack when he got electrocuted. That's probably how it happened anyway. So what do I do? I have a strategy. I am going to play it cool. Let the other side do their thing. I will fill in whatever gaps, and ask the questions the other side can't or won't ask. But all in all, I get to sit in a room for a few hours, and listen to how crappy my client was an employee. How often he was late. How close he came to getting fired.

Not exactly Law & Order or Boston Legal. Both the truth never is. But hey, I get paid to sit in a room and basically do nothing. And I make a lot more money than most people could ever dream. I may be a prostitute, but who's really the fool?

I'll take 1/3 every time baby.