THE MAIL MEETING

I suppose normal offices have status meetings. Others hand out mail to the appropriate party. Well, in HELL, we do things a little bit differently. Go figure.



First, you should understand that attorneys in HELL are not individually assigned to cases. How could DON-BOY control things if we each were permitted to run with our own files. No, we prefer to be counterproductive and do things as ass-backwards as possible. I think it has something to do with his lack of control due to being disabled. I know I told you he was in a car accident and in a wheelchair, but that was a "poetic license" I took, because I don't want you to know exactly what DON-BOY's disability is. I may tell you some day, but for right now, I don't think that it matters. It is not his disability that makes him a fool, it is he that does that all on his own.

So, we don't have individual cases, but rather, we work as a group. All cases are monitored by all involved. It is a group effort. In theory it sounds like it might work. You know, more eyes looking over documents means less mistakes in the final product. But it is more like the saying "too many cooks spoil the broth." Everyone gets involved, and it becomes a harried mess.

For instance, the other day I was working on another motion. Well DON-BOY decides that everyone should look at it. I say "fine" even though I think it is a waste of time. Eventually I am given multiple suggestions, and have to spend more time going through the changes, corrections, etc... Almost everything suggested was just a matter of style, and since I am always right, their drivel was useless. But I put some stuff in, just to appease the crowds. The main problem with this is that where it would have taken 2 or 3 hours, the process turned into a 2-3 day event. Waste, waste and more waste. We are very good at overkill in HELL, and DON-BOY is the best.

So, now you know how the office works. This is where the mail meeting comes into play. Instead of having a "status meeting", or just a "case review", we have a mail meeting. Now, this usually takes 30-45 minutes. All this time, the entire office essentially closes down - no other meetings, no client appointments, no lunch breaks, no telephone calls - yes we put it through to an answering machine from 1984 (the year, not the book). During this time we all sit around the conference room table and wait to be handed our mail from DON-BOY. He has to look at each piece of mail and assign it individually to each person. SMART OLD HAG, here review this motion. INFANT, pretend you are doing something other than picking your nose. JOHN DOE, get a doctor to review this. Even the secretaries are there. Of course, they get most of the mail, because a lot of it just ends up being filed. It is at this time, and pretty much only at this time, that we get to throw in the occasional comment about a case. We have to throw it at DON-BOY because he manages everything, and he really doesn't listen unless you make him.

Incidentally, I am very good at managing DON-BOY. Others are not. This is where today's mail meeting became a little more interesting.

It was nearing the end of the day, about 4:00. The secretaries leave at 5:00, and the attorneys leave at 6:00. Everything is punctual and there is no more than half an hour give-way in the time because otherwise DON-BOY can't control our bowel movements. So DON-BOY is in his usual position, quickly scanning mail, evaluating and handing out so he doesn't have to ever think about it again. He lulls himself into a false sense that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing. I put that in boldface because I thought it warranted extreme emphasis. DON-BOY is a dumbass that knows nothing. Sorry, I can't help myself. I am bold crazy tonight.

As we were about 3/4 of the way through with the mail, I was reviewing the assignments. I have the fun job of keeping track of everyone's assignments. Usually we will go over this at the end of the mail meeting, if we have time. So we were almost done with the mail when she said it. SMART OLD HAG makes one of her off the cuff comments that cuts like a warm knife through butter.

She said that in the deposition today, SMART OLD HAG stated on the record that her attorney, DON-BOY, had helped her fill out some stupid form. At first he thought it was just another barb from SMART OLD HAG. She goes at it with him on a daily basis. He is too smart to fire her, because she is really good at her job, and she is too old to leave. They are stuck with each other. But, this cut a little deeper. It wasn't the fact that someone said that DON-BOY was an attorney. Something I think he should be more worried about. I have even told him so. But he doesn't care, he doesn't have a license. It's DON-DADDY's license on the line, and maybe even FAT GODZILLA's (at least according to him). Actually, he straddles the line, and has always stayed on the right side of it. He doesn't tell people he is an attorney, he tells them he's an office manager. It's just a matter of perception. Some people perceive things in different ways. I can understand the client's view too. I meet with DON-BOY a lot, why wouldn't I think he is my attorney. Well, did you ever think to ask? DON-BOY always makes sure that there is an attorney with him when he meets with clients. The clients usually don't know that it is the INFANT that is actually licensed.

Think of it this way, when you go to a doctor's office, you don't always know who is the doctor. Do you always know if you are even seeing a doctor. Maybe it is a physician's assistant, a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a technician, a student. You don't know unless you ask. When was the last time you asked in your doctor's office? Have you ever asked? The same applies in lawyers offices.

Further, in fairness to DON-BOY, he has been doing this a long time, and knows more than almost any lawyer I know. That is not to say that I think he is right. He could be totally open and tell every single person that he is not a lawyer. But I don't see the paralegals or the secretaries doing that either. The truth is (I know I said I wouldn't use that phrase again, but I just had to), that he acts in the same capacity as an adjuster or negotiator. The lawyers do all the legal work, court appearances, motions, etc..., and he usually does the phone call with the insurance company, or the like. It works for him and for the most part, it works okay in HELL.

Now that I got sidetracked again, I believe we were at the point in the mail meeting where SMART OLD HAG said what she said. But it really wasn't what she said - we all had heard it before. A simple client error that would be corrected in the deposition transcript. It definitely wouldn't even be questioned, but we are really good with that because DON-BOY is paranoid. He knows where his bread is buttered. It wasn't even how she said it, that sarcastic tone of superiority that she uses. She is a good attorney. I am not sure that she is a good person. She has terrible manners, smokes like a chimney, and is often rude. She used to be rude to me, but I put her in her place once, and now, we have an attorney bond of sorts.

The problem was where she said it. In the middle of the mail meeting. Everyone was there. From the top banana, all the way down the food chain to the bottom. Everyone heard this. She was openly insulting her with her tone and sarcasm, using a client's words, and stabbing him all at the same time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had to hide my face because the instant she said it I started to smile from ear to ear. I almost thought I was going to burst out laughing. I even heard THE INFANT snicker a few times. The secretaries and paralegals all remained quiet, but I saw it on their faces too. The shock. The surprise. The delight. And of course, the silence. Silence is deadly.

Had he been a real man, he would have fired her (or had his daddy do it for him). But he had no balls (no that is not his disability - although one could say it is a disability for him). After a few seconds that lasted for hours, he retorted something that it was the SMART OLD HAG's fault for not better prepping the client. His words of course were hollow, because he was in prepping the client just as much as SMART OLD HAG and even THE INFANT. How could he not be, he has to be the mastermind of everything in HELL. So even his own comeback bit him in the ass. Another thing for my "Secrets" file. DON-BOY bit himself in the ass today, and I was there to witness it. Even better, I had nothing to do with this client or her prep yesterday because I was so busy conforming everybody's corrections and changes.

I can't wait for the mail meeting tomorrow.